Saturday, December 4, 2010
When you are missing someone you love so much, the holidays are hard. There is no way around it. Really, Christmas has not been "the same" since Rachel and Rebecca died, 11 years ago. While i never had a Christmas with them, I still feel the emptiness so much on holidays like Christmas. It changed again when my grandfather died, and again when my grandmother died. it has changed with the loss of Brock, Erik, Joe, and now, Noah. Just a lot of thinking about what it would be like. What would they ask for. Would they be all into Santa, or scared to death? So many questions I will never have the answer to. However, i work hard, each year, to make Christmas special, and not just for my kids, but for me too. I dont feel hopeless and miserable all year long, so why would i want to make a holiday hopeless and miserable? Sure, there are moments of sadness, and i am gearing up now. I am taking the time to recognize what I am feeling and and allowing myself to do what I need to do to get thru each moment.
Today was tree trimming, house decorating and gearing up to get ready for all that is to come this month. I decided to let my girls decorate the tree by themselves, and while it is not perfect, i am finding joy in their pride. I also decided not to put all my angel ornaments on the tree. I am hoping to get a small tree to display all my angels. My angel ornaments had begun to take over the tree, and I feel it is time for a change. At this moment, i am not sure how i feel about it all.
Today has been emotional. But I will be OK. I will find the balance. I will learn to parent ALL of my kids, in the best way I can. I know my moments of happiness will continue to increase. I know my pain will dull, even if it is just a little. I know I can do hard things. I can do this. I will be mindful of my needs, but I will push myself.
In January I will start steadily working on becoming. Become who i need to be, become who i truly am. I am so much more than people see. I am a good person, and the people that choose to only see my hard times, will be eliminated from my life. I will surround myself with the positive. However, do not mistake that for forgetting. I will never Forget. My love will go on until forever, i will always feel the ache, I will never "get over it" or be "better". I am a bereaved mother that has decided not to just survive, but to become.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
The night we found out you died is still so vivid in my mind. I remember Mary coming over for my first homebirth prenatal. After a couple hours, it was time to check and listen to you. I was actually thinking you might be twins, because when i would listen to your heart, i would get major variations in your heart rate. From 130's to 180's. I had just listened to you earlier that day, so i was feeling pretty good. However, when we tried to listen to you, there was a very loud silence in my womb. We tried for almost an hour to find your heartbeat, but i knew you were gone. After she left, i went to my room, fell to my knees, and began begging God to put life back into your body. I couldnt believe you were taken from me. It had only been 5 months since we laid Brock to rest, and now i was reliving my nightmare.
The next day I went to the OB office. Everyone was very rude to me, and there was no sympathy. it was horrifying. It was confirmed by ultrasound that you had died, and i decided to be induced. Sometimes i wonder if that is why so much bad stuff happened.
Almost a week later, i went to the hospital to be induced. The nurses were nice, letting me do my own thing. But things went from OK to really bad, pretty quickly. First there was the doctor, that was trying to pull your tiny body from me, and he nearly decapitated you. After you were born, the nurses were telling me i didnt want to see you, but what did they know? you were my son, and of course i wanted to see you. Then i started bleeding. Your placenta was stuck and coming out in tiny pieces, and i was nearly bleeding to death. I was rushed into surgery.
I remember being disappointed when i woke up. I wanted to die. I was hoping to go to Heaven and be with you, your brother, and your sisters. but that didnt happen. I was alive. Well. Maybe not alive, but i was breathing. My heart was broken, and i thought I would never live thru the grief. How much can one mother take?
I really struggled with life after your birth. I never felt like i said a proper good bye to you, and i think that is part of the reason i had such a hard time. Then, there was the lovely "bat girls" a group of moms, on the internet, that dedicated an entire website to hating me. They said i was a liar, that i was a scammer. That you never were. They told me how stupid i was, trashed my business, when i was at my lowest, they just kept on kicking me. I could not believe how these other "moms" were acting. How could they do this. I was an active part of their community, and then they all turned on me. In my late 20's, I was a victim of internet bullying. Unbelivable.
Because of them, i decided to close my business. I guess I can thank them for that. I went from business owner/mom to just mom. I got off the online forums for the most part. and tried to refocus. However, i was still very sad, and barely breathing most days.
I feel like i never fully felt the loss of you. I feel like i was so sad, and concentrating on the loss of myself, that the loss of you was not fully felt. I feel guilty that i didnt allow myself to feel everything i needed to feel. I put my grief for Brock, and put it in front of you, and for that I am sorry. I guess i didnt know how to grieve for 2 kids at once.
Every day, i think about how i can save money, to get a new headstone with your name on it. I want ALL of my kids recognized on the stone. I want to go and touch and see all of your names. I need to look at it all, carved in stone, because then, i might have some closure.
Erik, i am trying now. I am trying to give you a proper goodbye. I have been thinking about you so much, and i know this is something i need to do. It will take time. That is for sure. possibly a lifetime, well, most likely a lifetime.
I wish i had your pictures, and i wish i was able to spend more time with you. No matter what people said, you were beautiful to me.
I love you, and I miss you. I will love and miss you for always!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Instantly the band Perry song came into my head. If I Die Young.
"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she ...stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time"
This picture was taken from my car, while driving on the freeway. It isnt a perfect picture, but it is a double rainbow. Thank you for the rainbow. I know, without the rain, there would be no rainbows.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Yesterday was a big day for me. Erik's 4th birthday. It was also the day that marked 4 months since Noah died. Because i never had a proper memorial for Erik, I decided to make his birthday special. I invited a few friends, and we planned a time for pizza and cake. It was a cloudy day, and I was worried it would rain on us, but right before the "party" the skies cleared and it was beautiful outside. I set the party to start at 530. The kids were eager to blow bubbles and play near the fountain. the adults set up chairs and blankets, and when the last guests arrived, we started to eat. I had bought a bunch of balloons for anyone to write on. I didnt read what anyone else wrote, but I wrote a goodbye to my son. I dont think i had ever really said goodbye to him. I told him how much i loved him. I told him how much i missed him, and how i wished things were different. How i wished he was sent to me, and i was able to keep him. I told him, I cannot wait, until we meet again. I decided to let the balloons to all go off together, all clipped and held tightly. My thoughts were, they would be able to get closer to heaven, and our messages would be easier received by our kids. Silly, i know.
Before we ate cake, i looks at the most beautiful sunset. It was like it was painted in the skies, just for me. I silently said a prayer of thanks for all the beauty in this world. I said a prayer of thanks for my friends, who came to show their love for me. It is amazing when i think that I would not have ever met any of these wonderful people, had it not been for the deaths of our children. I so wish i could have met them all under different circumstances.
After the cake was cut, and we started to eat, we were asked to move our cars outside the gates of the cemetery to they could lock up. We were given permission to hang out as long as we wanted, which was nice. It was so great how they respected us and our need to gather. Shortly after the cars were moved, the sprinklers came on. Everything got wet! It was crazy. Brought back the memory of gathering at anther cemetery just 2 months ago, for another angels birthday, and having the SAME THING happen.
I think there are some angels that have a sense of humor.
I really had a good time at the cemetery. I know, to many, that sounds odd, but i feel so comfortable there. I dont go often, but when i do, i feel peace. I am glad I was able to take some time to say goodbye to my second son. I miss Erik so much. His birth still has my quite traumatized, but I hope to heal from that soon. I will never wish that he never was. I love that he is my son, and my only regret comes from him not being with us longer. 18 short weeks. 18 weeks was plenty long for me to fall in love with my son. for me to bond with my son. I felt him move, I heard his heartbeat on a daily basis. I was happy for the months of throwing up, because that meant i was being blessed. He was my sunshine. My unexpected hope, after Brock died. I just wasnt lucky enough to get to raise him. Someday. SOmeday, my angels, I will raise you. I will hold you, and for the first time, look into your eyes. I will hear your voice. I will know your favorite color. Until then, time keeps marching on. I will continue to hold you in my heart, my mind, my thoughts. I will not forget. Until then, Goodbye my babies. Mommy will always miss you.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Here we are in Fall. I used to love this time of year, but now it is a not so happy time. September is my Nana's death anniversary, October is Erik's birthday, and November is Nana's. Then we jump right into the happy holidays. It is so hard to have "happy holidays" when you are sad and missing so many of your kids. I do try. I get up each day, slap on my fake smile, while i take a deep breath and leave my room. I engage all of my living children, cook, clean, shop for the "big day" and yet, i am sad. This time of year no longer is as fun as it once was.
I realized a couple weeks ago that Erik's 4th birthday will fall on the same day as Noah's 4 month day. I am so worried about how i will feel that day. I am wondering, and possibly hoping, it will be like a band aid. Instead of a LONG drawn out week or 2, i will just get the day over with. I guess I can hope that it will pass and i will be OK. I cant believe i am coming up on 4 years without Erik, and it has been 4 months since Noah died. When did this become my life?
I am really struggling with pregnant women. Especially those due around the same time I was due with Noah. It is not that i am not happy for these woman, it is just so hard for me. I am jealous, angry, and hurting. I guess it is all a part of grief. I dont know, but i know that listening to, and reading complaints, and how miserable they all are, make me want to scream!!!
So, My sister in law is due the same week i was due. I have been dreading going to Idaho next month, because i was going to have to spend a week staring at her round belly, knowing i was due the same time. I would be just as round, and have just as many complaints. I found out last night that she will be having the baby the week we are there. I cannot stop thinking about it. I wont be able to look at him/her, hold him/her, and talk about him/her. No one will understand why it brings tears to my eyes, and i have a hard time breathing. My husband will be in wonderland with all his family around, and i will be alone. Broken hearted. I have spent so much energy the last 12 hours trying to figure out a way to skip the trip. I dont want to hurt anyones feeling, but what about my own??
I guess i am feeling so lost and confused. I so badly want another baby, but hubby is worried the baby will die, and he will lose even more of me, that he doesnt want to try again. The thought that I will never have another baby in my life is more heartbreaking than many can imagine. All I want is another baby. I feel there is someone else for our family, but maybe i feel that way because 6 of my kids are not here with me. I cant really explain the way i feel i guess. I am just so lost. I feel alone in this house, no desire to do anything. Watching my kids grow up. Knowing there are no more kids for me, at least not in this life.
I am certain I will survive, just like in all the holidays past. I will keep my chin up, keep slapping on my happy face, and keep breathing.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
While there I learned a lot. I feel that the conference will be hugely beneficial to my journey. That I will one day know how to balance between my living children and my angels. I learned many ways to express my grief thru art. Writing, music, sculpting, painting... the list goes on.
I feel empowered. I feel like i CAN do this. I know i am not alone. I will work hard to change the way the world looks are grief. How the world looks at a mother who has experienced the worst pain possible. I will make sure my children make a difference in this world.
I visited with my friends and even made some new friends. I KNOW i am not alone. Sadly, i also learned how small this world is. I "met" someone I used to know, back from high school. How sad that he also experienced the death of his child.
I made some important decisions about my life while i was there. I made decisions about who my friends are, and who are not the friends i thought they were. I made the choice to start working on coming off of my medication. I never wanted to get medicated, but i really feel that I needed it. I am going to hopefully start private counseling, and maybe I will be off my meds and doing "ok" by the end of january. I also learned that i need to learn to forgive those that have hurt me. This is the hard part. Being hurt, when you are at your lowest, is a hard thing to forgive. But I know I can and will forgive. Forgetting will be the hardest part of that equation. Forgetting will come later. Maybe MUCH later.
I feel renewed. I will be ever indebted to a little girl, who has changed the lives of so many, thru her mother. Cheyenne. What an amazing child, who never took a breath. But she takes my breath away. Her mothers love is undying. Her mother has made it possible for so many to grieve their children in the open. Her mother is an amazing person, and though, we have had few conversations, i can say that I love her. She likely will never know how much she and Cheyenne have meant to be, over the past several years.
I am energized to work on my grief. To educate others. To A.T.T.E.N.D., to be with, and not do for. I am excited to start working on the new me. the new me will be amazing, if i am able to become half of who i would like to be.
I have many plans to touch the lives of others. I am in a place so different from where i was before the weekend. The MISS Foundation has changed my life.
I thank every single person that attended the conference. I was touched by the story of every child, mother, father, grandmother, and grandfather.
I now know, I CAN do hard things.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
When they were born, shortly after midnight, on September 1, i was so scared. I didnt want to look at them, but after Phil saw them, he urged me to look. I am glad he did. they were beautiful. perfect, tiny bodies. I didnt hold them. I didnt know how to react.
when i went home the next day, i was so sad. I just sat on my couch and cried. my heart was broken, my arms were empty, and i was filled with regret for not holding them. For not giving them names. They didnt have names for a week after they were born. I didnt know i wanted to name them. there was no service for them. No grave for me to visit. no proof my babies existed.
over the next few years, i dealt with a lot of regret. I hated that i never had a service for them. I still have not had a service for them, and i am still bothered by it. I also regret that i didnt feel that i should pay for a funeral for them. a plot, and grave marker. There was nothing with their names on it, for the world to see, until after Brock died. I feel like i let them down.
Now, it has been11 years. I sit here tonight, thinking about my girls. Wondering what it would be like to have 11 year old twin girls. What would they like to do? What type of music would they like? would they be super close or decide they could not stand each other? Would they like boys? Fight over boys? or think boys have cooties?
I will never know the answers to these questions. Things that parents complain about, ot take for granted. Simple things like favorite colors, or favorite sports. I will never know. I am jsut left with wonder.
It has been 11 years, and not a day goes by that i dont think about them. I miss them. I love them. They are my first born children. They are with 4 of their siblings in Heaven, and watching over 4 of their siblings. The oldest of 10 children.
I dont know details about my girls, but i do know that Rachel and Rebecca have made an amazing difference in my life. I know that my girls would be amazing people. I know that I will see them again someday. And i cannot wait for that reunion. a lifetime seems to long, many days, to be reunited, but i know it is not as long as it seems.
So Happy 11th Birthday to Rachel and Rebecca Andersen. My sweet baby girls. I hope to see you in my dreams tonight.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
While in the hospital, I had a lot of time to think. I was thinking about relationships, and how certain relationships effect me, and my family. I think I am in the right, to decide to let go of certain relationships, proceed with caution for others, and work hard on others. Yes, i still feel hurt, that my dad has chosen to write me off, as a drama queen or something, but i shouldnt be surprised. He is who he is, and i will not be abused by him anymore. I will work on surrounding myself with people who love me.
Also, while i was in the hospital, i was faced with constant reminders that my baby is gone. Every test i had, i was asked if I was pregnant. I would have been 26 weeks. It was painful to say no. I was also faced with constant announcements of every birth that happened during my 6 days there. I will admit, it was painful. And on Wednesday night, when they welcomed baby Noah to the world, i had no choice but to cry.
It is so hard to think about not having another baby, though i honestly think it will be the way it is. It has been almost 2 months since my D and C, and I am still hurting. I loved my son, and i wanted him to join my family so badly. Now i am left with life choices. Maybe we can adopt, someday. Maybe not. I do have my hands full with my kids, but i wouldnt trade it for the world. All of my children, living or dead, are my life. I am a great mother. Being a mom is the best job in the world, and the most important. I just wish i was able to mother all of my kids, everyday, and i didnt have the holes in my heart, that were left when my babies died.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
The last few weeks have been interesting to say the least. I have been thrown many little trials and i have been faced with decisions about who is welcome in my life, and who is not.
Two weeks ago, my husband was in the hospital. He had to have emergency surgery, and it was super stressful for me. I didnt realize how horrible it was for me to be at a hospital. I know it wasnt even me in the hospital, but the last time i was in one, i was having surgery, because Noah died. I was also terrified something would happen to my husband. Without him, I dont know how i would survive. We have been through so much together, and he is my rock. He is the person i can ALWAYS count on.
While he was in the hospital, someone who was supposed to be there for me, no matter what, decided to make contact with me. I had not heard from him, since the day i told him my baby died. And even then he didnt offer me any support. So the day that my husband is having surgery, this person decides to tell me how it is. I get emails on my phone, so i got an email from facebook, stating someone made a comment. After seeing the name, i thought maybe he was checking to see how my husband was doing. Nope. He was telling me that I was attention seeking, and that i pretty much brought all of my grief upon myself. He told me that God has told me in "His own way" that i should not have children. ( not even any more children) He said that numerous doctors have told me not to have children, and that was sooo not true. No doctor has ever told me not to have children. He told me i just want people to feel sorry for me. He also said that i was bashing my friends and family on the internet, for not knowing what to say.
I know i had posted my feelings on support during this time. I have stated that i have some awesome friends, that are just there for me. I can talk to them, and they dont have to say anything. They understand I am hurting. Then, yes, there are many people who have made it pretty clear, they have nothing to say on the matter. I know i have written about my own personal experiences about grief. When my twins died, almost 11 years ago, i had an unbelievable amount of support. ( however this person was not great then either), then with each death i have experienced, the support has been less and less.
I am sorry if this offends people. However, my feelings are not invalid. Grief is a very lonely place. It does help when people offer you help, or an ear, or shoulder to cry on. I am sorry if the fact i have lost children, makes people think i should not have any children. Before i was pregnant with Diesel, i decided to be done trying. he was a surprise to us. If i would have given up, i would not have him. He is a miracle child. He makes me heart smile, every single day. If I would have given up, after i had my twins, I would not have any living children. I am an amazing mother, raising even more amazing people. I guess, if this person would take 5 minutes to get to know my children, he might know that. I do not regret a single one of my children, living or dead. Each of my 10 children are very important to me. Each of them have formed me into who i am today. and who i will be tomorrow. I know that for some reason, God has trusted me, to birth these perfect little people, that would pass any trial on this Earth, and they just need to get a physical body so they can have eternal life. And yes, even knowing all of this is true, it still hurts that my children have died. My heart has been rebroken, when it was starting to heal, by the words of the person, who "had the courage to say what others wont". He, however, did not have the courage to call me and tell me how he feels. He had the "courage" to post it, on my facebook wall. And, it hurt.
A while ago, i was already starting to try to figure out where this person fit into my life. And i think he made it clear to me, in his latest form on contact, that he doesnt care if he is in my life or not. I am hurt in a way that i never thought possible. I am grieving the loss of a relationship, that at one point was pretty good. However, i only have time in my life for people that truly love me, and support me. I am worthy to recieve the love of others.
So, we also recently learned that my daughter has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Her obsessions have been getting more evident, with all the stress lately. And she is working them out with her compulsions. We were told when she was about 4 years old, that this was most likely the case, but to have it written down, in her medical chart, by a trained professional, is a bit scary. We will be going to a psychiatrist, and will continue care with our psychologist, to get her the help she needs. We are working with her, through behavior therapy, to learn to deal with this. She is very scared, and has a lot of anxiety, but she is a rock star. I know, that soon enough, she will be in control of the OCD, and not the other way around.
We will also be losing our home soon. We are searching for a new place to live, and not having a lot of luck. I feel like i need to meet new people, and to go where no one knows who I am, or my story. I am very sad that events in our life, that were beyond our control, have led us to bankruptcy and foreclosure. I am sad to lose the home that we had a lot of dreams for. I am sad to uproot my kids. However, who knows what God has in store for us. Something good will likely come out of this.
So i know this post is not just about the grief of losing Noah. I guess it is a post about the other things i am grieving, while i am grieving the fact that i have a lifetime to wait, to see him. When it rains, it pours. I am thankful for the love of those that care. I am grateful for all of my children. I know i will survive all of this i am going through, because, I am a survivor.
Friday, July 23, 2010
For the last week, i have had a major set back in my grief. Something happened that I am struggling to wrap my mind around, and this something has put me into a funk.
I have been attending a support group for several years. I love my group. The facilitators are amazing, and I feel so welcome among this group of bereaved parents. This group is my safe place. It is a place where my children existed. A place where people dont question my grief, because my children died before they were born. Over the years, i have made many friends, and i have come to love these people, and their children.
There was a woman that came to our group, shortly after the last conference. I learned last night, it was her therapist that actually brought her to the foundation. her story was a horrific one. She told us how she birthed 9 children, and 8 of them have passed away, as well as her husband. She told us how she experienced the whole gammot on how a child might die. From stillbirth, to car accident, to SIDS, to the 9-11 tragedy. When she spoke, my heart broke for her.
When i was pregnant with Diesel, i didnt attend any support group meetings, because of her. I was trying to be all "zen" during my pregnancy, and I was certain that this would not happen to be again, because I had lost 5 children before. After hearing her speak at group, about her 8 children, i was thinking "holy crap, this CAN happen to me again" so i stopped going. the thought of another child dying, the child I was pregnant with, was too much for me bare.
After Diesel was born, and i started coming back to the group, i would sit and think about this woman and her story. She seemed so strong. Like she survived this. I would think about how someday, maybe I will be like her, and be able to tell my story, without it cutting the way it does now. Afterall, this woman suffered so much, and she was still breathing. I was amazed. She gave me hope.
Last week, i learned it was ALL a lie. She LIED to us. She pretended to know our pain. She wanted to be one of us. I do not understand. why would anyone even pretend to know the pain of losing a child. This is the most horrific pain in the world. It is a pain that is so deep, that nothing can fix it. And she pretended to know. She would sit in a circle with us, as we shared parts of us, that we would never share amongst the "normals". The morbid thoughts that come with the death of a child. Some of our most private and personal thoughts, and emotions. She learned to play off of our emotions. Pulling at the heartstrings of many of the members. Likely taking things that were said during group, and using it to "gain", later, when talking to the group member.
I feel Angry, violated, and sad. I am angry because she did this. that she knows some of the most sacred parts of me, and the members of our group. That she used it for her own personal gain. I am violated that i shared my children with her, as a grieving mother, and she was lying. I am violated that i opened up in front of her, and now i feel she knows way too much about me and my children. I am sad. I am sad for me, because i put energy and thought into her, and the loss of her chidren, and i am sad for her. because she is so lonely, she felt she needed to make up this crazy story, so she would be accepted into some group.
There is so much more to this, going through my head. I am trying to process how she conned all of us, and why she would do it. However, after writing this incoherant post, i am hoping to put this to bed. To not spend another minute giving her attention. I need to work on my grief. I need to grieve for the connection i felt to her, but i need to grieve for my children even more. I am done with her. I want to not think about her anymore. Not another thought. I feel she got just what she was looking for. Attention. last night a room full of people talked for hours about her, I have been thinking about her for weeks. And now i am done. Time to move on. I will never understand why she did this, but I will do my best to move on and forget. I will offer my love and support to every other grieving person i come in contact with. But i will not feel sorry for her ever again.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
So i wonder, is it better to feel alone and abandoned by people that are supposed to care the most? Is it better that i dont get an email, a text message, or a phone call, and that everyone pretends this didnt happen? Or is it better for me to receive a phone call, text or email, with someone expressing concern, but says totally the wrong thing?
My Mom tells me often that no one will talk to me, because no one knows what to say. I understand that, but what about just saying, " I am sorry your baby died" " i am sorry you are going thru this again" or simply " i dont know what to say"
I am already dreading the holidays. I am dreading family gatherings. I am dreading the lonliness that goes with holidays, when someone you love is missing. I am dreading people ignoring my pain. The pain that every mother feels, every minute of her life, if she is forced to bury her baby.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I listened as she told me the test results were in. I cant remember details and i need to call and ask for a copy of the report. Anyway, she told me that there was a mutation of some sort, to the Y chromosome. There were only 46 chromosomes, but something was off. Then she went on to tell me that this alone would not have likely caused the death of my baby, but it is worth looking into. The lab suggested that Phil get tested for this Y chromosome thing. I then asked if the testing is the same as kareotyping, and she said it was. Since Phil already had that done, and there was no findings, i dont know what we will do.
I also asked if the baby was a boy, and she said yes. Our 5th son. Our 4th son that died in my womb. We decided that we would name our boy Noah Michael. Noah means Peace. Michael is an angel. So he is our peaceful angel.
Now i am trying to figure out where i go from here. I want so badly to have hope. I want so badly to think that someday, we might get blessed with another baby. But every minute that passes, every lonely, heartbreaking minute, i feel that my dreams are further away.
I didnt really know that i wanted another baby. Noah was a surprise to us. He was so loved though. I wanted him from the moment i found out he was on his way. And now. Now I am left totally heart broken. Longing for the baby that was taken from me. The blessing for our family. Our Christmas Miracle. Now, I grieve, for the death of my son. A loss, that so many act as if it is not a big deal. It was just a miscarriage. But to me. it was the death of a life that i loved. The death of dreams that i had. I am so sad that the people of the world, dont know what they are missing. Because my son, would have been amazing.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I am just hurting today. I miss my baby.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Well, after many many trips to this OB, i had never been there, when a baby was in the waiting room. Today i walked in, and there were 2. Great. I didnt want to look at them. I went and signed in, and then hid behind my hubby. I wanted to cry. Then 3 very pregnant bellies, came walking out, from the back. Again, another first. I must always be there when he is doing non OB stuff. but not today. After waiting about 15 minutes, the nurse, came out to tell me that he was just called to the hospital, for an emergency surgery. I guess some other doc messed something up, and he had to go fix it. I told he i didn't want to reschedule, but whatever had to happen. She said she would go assess the situation. She knew i wanted to see him, and didnt want to see his PA that i have never met. After a few minutes, he came to the door and called us back. He wanted a urine sample, but i didnt have to go. I didnt think i would need to give one. I guess he wanted another pregnancy test, to see if everything was back to normal.
We went to the room, the same room where we couldnt find a heart beat, 3 weeks ago tomorrow. he asked how i was doing, and i told him, physically i was OK> i described some symptoms i was having and he said there really is no normal but it sounded OK. Then i told him, emotionally, i am a mess. I started to cry, and he handed me tissues. I went on to tell him i cant figure this out, and i don't know why my babies keep dying. I told him i cant think, eat, or sleep. My daughter was burned while camping this weekend and i didn't even know how to help her, and i had to call my mom. It is a 3rd degree burn, and i didn't even know to think ice then hospital. I told him that i am really having bad panic attacks, and i have really dark thoughts. and i feel like i messed with my head, by having a d and c, even though i didn't want it.
He was very kind. He kind of told me, my chances of another baby were not good. Maybe 25-30% chance of a good outcome, and he seems to be recommending i get sterilized, but he told me to take my time, and wait to make sure i am ready.
He told me i have no reason to think i did anything wrong. That i should be proud of how i carried myself, thru the good times, and the bad, with each pregnancy, and never forgetting who i am, or what i believe. He said that while many people might frown upon my choices, to do things naturally, he said i should be able to look back and know i did what was right for me. He told me i should work on trying to quiet the arguing in my head ( how did he know that i was fighting with myself?) he told me that over time, one voice will quiet, and i will know what is right for me and my family, if it is to be "done" or if we decide to try again. he was very supportive.
He offered to do some more testing on me as well. he said there is something "wrong" with me, but they haven't figured it out yet. and possibly never will. He said there is so much that can go wrong with pregnancy, and they have only just started figuring stuff out.
He went on to tell me the testing on the baby is not complete, but the nurse called to check, and they will have the results bu the end of today, so he will likely call me tomorrow. It has been 2 and a half weeks, and i am hoping this isn't a sign that they were not able to complete testing. I was hoping maybe for an answer, but most of all, to know, without a doubt, the gender of my baby. I want to know if we have a Mira or a Noah.
I asked for drugs and while he was reluctant, and reminded me, that grief needs to be worked on, and there was no magic pill, ( would be nice if there was huh?) he prescribed me Zoloft. He said he doesn't know that much about those types of drugs, and he doesn't know if it will work or not. I would be happy to be knocked out for 6 months, until my due date, and all the freaking December babies are born. We will see. I have battled depression before, and have had PPD with 2 of my children. I feel myself getting to a bad place, and while i don't believe in drugs, i don't know how else i can go on. He gave me 4 months worth.
He really wanted a pregnancy test, to see if my hormones are back to normal, and i couldn't pee, so i will head to the dollar store tonight, so i can tell him tomorrow. I really don't want to look at a negative test, but i feel like i should make sure that they got everything out.
He told me, anytime i want to talk about this, he is open for me to make an appt and go in and talk. He wasn't rushing me at all, but he HAD to get to an emergency at the hospital, and he was very apologetic. I think he was very sincere.
he left a script at the desk, told me to call if i need anything, and told me he will be in touch soon.
After the appt, my hubby and i sat in our car for about 30 min talking about all we talked about in there. It was hard. It feels raw again. He told me he doesn't want to get "fixed" and he doesn't want me to either, right now. he feels we will regret it. I agree. He told me that he does want more kids, but he doesn't want to go thru this again. He doesn't want ME to go thru this again. I feel lost, and he knows it.
I don't know what to do or think today, but i am trying to keep it together. The appt took a lot out of me.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
We'd be held
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This is what it means to be held.....
I am trying to plan a camping trip for my family. It is stressful how much work goes into a camping trip, but I know it will be a nice and peaceful time while i am away.
I am so filled with emotions these days. Today someone from church stopped by, and it was so nice to have a surprise visitor. She is so compassionate, and i am so glad that she has the calling she has. I dont think she will know, what her visit meant to me. It was nice to visit with a sincere soul, who was not trying to rush me over this. I cried a little while she was here, and a lot after she was gone. Her visit really just touched me. I guess, it was the first time, in about 2 weeks, i didnt feel alone.
Now i am left to decide if i go to church tonight or not. I really want to take the enrichment classes that are offered tonight, but i dont want to talk to anyone. My plan, if i do go, is to walk in 15 min late, and cut out 15 min early. That way i can learn, but i dont have to talk. I dont want to talk, and i dont want my presence at church to be seen as i am "over it".
I really need to get away. I hope this happens for me.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
I know jealousy is not a good Christian feeling. But that is how i feel. I do not want her baby to die, i dont want another baby in the world to die, but i am jealous, because my baby died. I am jealous, that i dont get to keep my baby. I am jealous that she will get to see her baby grow up, and i will wonder what could have been, for the rest of my life.
This is so hard, and so not fair. It seems everyone is pregnant, and i should be. I want to feel good again. I want to have hope. I want to feel joy. At this moment, all these feeling are eluding me.
It has only been about 2 weeks, and i know that is nothing, on the grief time line, i just wonder, when, or if, i will ever feel better.
I'll Hold You in Heaven
From the very beginning I loved you,
As I made plans to hold you and rock you:
You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,
But something went wrong and soon you were gone;
My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain,
I'd never known such heartache and pain.
I wonder who you look like, me or your dad,
Do you have my smile and his eyes?
Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?
We had dreams for you that reached to the skies.
It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,
Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven.
I'll hold you in heaven someday,
When my trials on earth pass away;
The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you,
I know you're waiting for me;
I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",
But I'll hold you in heaven someday.
(c) 1998 Jo Ann Taylor All Rights Reserved
I hope that i can help others, in some way. I hope that i can have the strength to go on, even when i want to die. I hope that i can turn my babies deaths, into hope and strength for other. I hope that they will continue to matter, even in their death. I know they will always be a part of my family, and i know I will always miss them. It will be so wonderful if someday, their lives, will touch others, the way they have touched me, and that they too, will be recognized as more than just a miscarriage, or stillbirth, but as my children.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
How was it to be that I now am robbed of such joy?
Of watching you grow or finding out if you’re a girl or boy.
Never did I get to hear your cries or even see your tears,
Or kiss your little brow and hug away your fears.
I am just left here now with pain and few memories,
Of the days that were happy with you inside of me.
For you were loved and wanted oh so much,
What I would give just to have felt your touch.
The hours crawl by yet the time does not seem to slow,
I want to scream out to the world you are gone, why don’t they know?
How is the world still turning when I feel it should have stopped?
Why are people laughing and living when it feels like I can not?
Not enough tears can be shed to express the love we have for you,
No words can describe what we all wanted to be able to do.
I would have just held you and breathed in your sweet smell,
Shouted with joy and phoned all the people we wanted to tell.
But this time we called loved ones with the sad sad news,
That too little were you to live among us and we were meant to lose.
But nothing will ever erase those fourteen weeks we had together,
For a piece of my heart you now hold always and forever.
I am hoping to find some more peace, with the appointment. I am hoping to have definite answers, as to why the baby died. I am hoping to get some help with my feelings of utter despair. I am walking around in a fog, and i am struggling to do everything i need to do. I feel pressured to put on a happy face. There is just so much going on in the world, my world, and I cant comprehend it all. It has only been about a week, though at times it seems like a year. And at times, it seems like just yesterday, i was feeling the baby move, within my womb.
I am hoping, when we finally know, and we can call baby by name, i might start to heal. For now, i am just sad, empty and confused.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Today marks one week since my "procedure". seems surreal. Physically there is no sign of a pregnancy. I am done with my physical recovery. Emotionally there is a long way to go. I have a huge internal struggle, about what I need to do for my future. I know, That i want something good, to come from all these losses. Which is why i am recording, so many feelings. I know i want to look thru my journals, and my letters, i have written to my children. I know i want to find a way to help others. I feel compelled to compile, years of thoughts, tears, hopes, and fears, into a book, so i can share what i can gone thru with so many people. I am hoping this journey will be a positive one for me. I already know it will be emotional. I guess, i just feel, that for so many years, i have looked for information, and support for second trimster miscarriage, and stillbirth. There is so much information out there for early miscarriage, and a ton of information for late term stillbirth, but for those of us, that fall in between, there is not much out there. I have lost babies, both in the early first trimester, as well as mid, second trimester. Both are painful. Yet they are different. I hope, to help others, just like me. I have been a bereaved mother for many many years. Now i want to share my story, my journey with others. I know I am not alone, and I hope to help others know, they are not alone either.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I am trying. I am trying to be the mother to my kids. All 10 of them. I am trying to make sense of what has happened. I am trying to be present with my 4 kids here. I am trying to not be such a burden on others. I am trying to decide, what I need to do, medically, for me. Trying to get things together, for my husbands birthday, my moms birthday, which are just a couple days away. I wish so desperately i was "normal". That i never joined this "club" and that my membership would stop being renewed. Once a grieving parent, always a grieving parent. So why all this renewal?
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Why does this keep happening to me? What have I dont in my life to deserve all of this heartache and loss? Why have i not learned, whatever lesson, God is trying to teach me? Is there really a God? would a kind and loving, Heavenly Father, really want someone to suffer like this? Why is it that parents that want children, they will actually love and take care of, cant seem to have them, when all these other "parents" who only have children, to beat, starve, and abuse, get to keep their kids? WHy is it that " good people" have to go thru all of this crap? Why is my hope restored, only to have it crushed?
Am i not a good mother to my living kids? Am i being punished for something? If i was being punished, i wish i knew how to make whatever i have dont right. I dont understand why my babies keep dying.
I feel so sad and broken. I feel as if i am screwing up my kids, because i am sad and broken. I dont know how i can teach them things, that i am questioning. How am i supposed to be feeling now? How can i pretend that life is perfect? How am i supposed to walk around and tell everyone, that i am fine, while i feel like i am dying inside? Why is it MY JOB to comfort others, and reassure them, because they are uncomfortable with death? Why cant i be left alone, to feel what i feel?
It has only been a week, and yet life has just moved on. Within a couple days, i am expected to move on, becuase it was "just a miscarriage" Do people realize at 14 weeks, what a baby looks like? Does this not look like a baby ? http://www.babycenter.com/fetal-development-images-14-weeks Do people realize that i had been feeling my baby move? heard the heartbeat by doppler? had started picking out names? Even though this pregnancy was not expected, i instantly fell in love with my baby. for 10 full weeks, i dreamed of what this baby would mean to my family. wondering if Diesel was going to have a little brother to grow up with, or if he would be stuck with all sisters. I wondered about how my birth would go. I worried about breaking my tailbone again, but was so willing to do it. Every day, every hour, i thought of my baby. I thought of my baby, as i was throwing up, up to 20 times a day. It was all for a purpose. It was all worth it. Then just as i started feeling human again, and was getting to the point i could enjoy my pregnancy even more, it was all taken from me. But it was "just a miscarriage" it is time to move on. No need for tears. God needed my baby, more than i did. God needed an angel to tend to the garden. I have another angel looking over me. It wasnt meant to be. However, i dont understand. If it wasnt meant for me to have another baby, why did God allow me to be pregnant??
I never expected my life to be perfect. I just thought it would have more good times, and less bad. When Rachel and Rebecca died, i was so heartbroken. I couldnt believe all that was happening. I have so much regret, surrounding the whole experience. I was blessed with 3 kids, and thought the bad times were behind me. That was before 15 months of infertility, followed by loss, after loss, after loss, after loss, after loss. Financial Ruin, to remind me of all the loss ( not that i need a reminder) and then my little ray of hope. Diesel. My Special little man. filled with blessings and trials. As well as emotional struggles. because for the first time, raising a son, i know what i am missing out on, from Brock, Erik, and Joe. After being blessed with Diesel, I thought things were changing for us. When i got pregnant again, i had hope. A hope i didnt have when I was pregnant with Diesel. and just when i thought it would be OK. It was all stripped from me. It is like a bad nightmare, i cant wake up from.
So i am left wondering. Is this all there is for me? Is this how my life is meant to be? Will I EVER feel better?
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
It has only been 4 days, since my D&C. I still look a little pregnant, and i hate that. All of the clothes i own, are maternity. Brand new ones at that. I decided I really wanted to go buy regular clothes last night. What a joke. I walked into the mall, and within minutes, i saw about 7 pregnant women, most of them young teens. I frantically looked for something that might fit, so i could go into a dressing room. As i put on a pair of pants, with buttons and a zipper, i started to cry. THis is not fair. I should be almost 4 months pregnant right now, and instead i am buying regular clothes. And what is worse is, no matter how hard i tried, i couldnt hide my belly. Everything made me look pregnant. Like my empty belly was slapping me in the face. My friend joined me at the mall, and we went on to several stores. I didnt have much success. It just doesnt seem right.
I am trying to keep busy. If i am busy, i dont fall apart. Yesterday i cleaned my house all day. I mopped, and did a ton of laundry, and today i feel the need to do more. I have to get this baby stuff out of my house. It taunts me. It makes me sad. I had been saving a few things, for the baby, and now my baby doesnt need them. The crib we bought, might wind up in my fireplace, if i cant find somewhere for it to go. I am trying to keep myself together, and trying to not mess with my kids heads, during my grief. I guess righ tnow, cleaning is the only thing i can manage to do to help.
Also, yesterday i tried 3 times to call my OB, to make my follow up appt. Why cant i pick up the phone and call? Why is it that big of a deal? I know i want to go in. I know i want to get the results of the testing that was done. I know i want to talk a couple things through with the doctor. But i think what is stopping me is the fact i will be sitting in an OB office, filled with pregnant women. Sometimes, that is too much to think about.
Today should be an interesting day. I had made plans weeks ago, with friends, to see the Twilight Saga. I thought about not going, then thought, i really need to go. I need to get out. I need to think about something else. I need to try to have fun. and i need to not feel guilty about it. I know it has only been a few days, and i know i am not moving on. I just need to have a good time, if i can. I am a little worried about getting too fatigued. I havent slept in a week, and i will be out really late. My body is very tired, from all the trauma it has gone through.
I am filled with sadness. My heart is broken. I am thinking of names, all the time, trying to find the perfect name, for my newest angel. I am sad to think about never having the joy of a sweet baby in my arms, again, and i am terrified at the thought of having to deal with this again. Losing a child, doesnt decrease the desire to have a child. It just makes the decision more complicated. I know people think i would be crazy, if i tried again. And they are probably right. Every time this has happened, i have worried about literally breaking. But my empty arms are aching. This is going to be a LONG end to a LONG year.
Monday, June 28, 2010
I know so many people have their opinions of me. So many tell me that i am so strong, and that they could never live if their child died. Are they implying that they love their children more than me? I mean, what choice do i have? I was literally close to death, after the birth of Erik, at 18 weeks. I was bleeding to death, before i had to have an emergency surgery. I remember thinking, on my way to surgery, i just wish i would die. That the pain is too much to live with. and i didnt. For some reason, i am left on this Earth to grieve. I grieve, because i love. I love my children, All 10 of them, with every ounce of my being. I do not love my living children more than my children that have died. Just like i dont love my oldest child, more than my youngest. A mothers love doesnt work that way.
I am nervous and scared for when i have to go back to church. I know everyone means well, but i have been hurt so much by the comments people have made in the past. I know the people are trying to help, or at least i like to think that, but some things really hurt. There has been a few of us at church lately, that have experienced this horrible kind of loss, and I feel for every one of us. I pray that they do not hear the comments i hear. I know people have strong opinions, because i have been thru this so many times. I have heard that it is my fault this happens, because i am such a "hippie" ( in not so many words) and those words have burned me for over 3 years. There is no good to come when people try to reason this kind of loss. There is no reason. What ever happened to, " I am so sorry your baby died, Please take all the time you need, and call if i can help you in any way."? That is it. Just leave it at that. Dont make comments when i am sobbing during a baby blessing. It is not that i am unhappy for the happy family, i am just unhappy that I will never get to hear a blessing on my own baby.
I guess, last night, i was thinking, that i have never felt more alone. I feel like i have spent all my grief tokens, and i am out of them. That people are done hearing it from me. That I should be some sort of pro at this. I was remembering when my twins, Rachel and Rebecca died, my phone rang non-stop. Everyone was telling me how sorry they were. The calls were less with Brock, then even less with Erik, and with Joe, and this one ( whom hasn't yet been named, but will soon) no one really calls. Now, i have had a few wonderful friends that have helped me. I am ever grateful for that. The meal I received was a great gift. The friends that watched my kids, so i could go and have my surgery, gave me a huge peace of mind that my kids were OK. I am not saying i have NO support. I am just saying, that i am totally broken, and i have never felt more alone. ( please do not make a comment that my feelings are invalid. No ones feelings are invalid, if they are really feeling them)
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Now the story.
Tuesday, June 22, i was excited, as i was getting ready for my OB appt.I was hoping to talk to my doctor about some things i had researched, about Iodine deficiency, and was hoping to get help for my chronic headaches. I was trying to ignore my anxiety that something was wrong. I had felt "off" since sunday night, though i couldnt explain it. I asked Phil to go to the doctor with me. And I had my cousin with me, so i didnt have to take all 4 kids to the doc with me.
I was trying to relax, as Nicole, the nurse, was trying to find little ones heart beat. We heard it perfectly at 10 weeks, which was crazy early, so i started to panic. She told me not to worry, as she moved us to an ultrasound room.
A few minutes later, Dr. H came in, and asked how we were doing. I said " are you kidding me? I am freaking out!" he said he understood. And turned on the machine. At first look, he said "looks good". I guess he meant that the baby looked to be the right size, and appropriately developed for 14 weeks. He kept looking and then said he really needed to look vaginally to get a better idea of what was going on. I already knew what i saw, and more importantly, what i didnt see. There was NO blinking light, of a flickering little heart.
I got undressed, and he came right back in. And it became clear really fast. There was no movement. No heartbeat. Our baby was gone. He then pointed out that the placenta was separted. Maybe this will be the first of our losses like this, that might have an explanation. I now know, that having an answer, doesnt make it better. The fact remains. My baby is dead. All i could think is " i cant believe this is happening again" and " I dont want to do this again"
I have been thru this, so many times, and it never gets easier. It hurts every time, and this time i feel so blindsided. I actually had hope that this baby, due right at Christmas, would make it, and be our Christmas Miracle.
Because of what was going on, my doc recommended a D&C. I had never had one before. I didnt want to do it. I have birthed babies, from 15 weeks, to 21 weeks, naturally, and even at home. I have held my babies, and named them all. I got their hand prints and foot prints. Having a D&C was nothing I was interested in. I told him I needed to think about it, and he didnt rush me at all. I appreciated his somber mood, and great bedside manor. It was obvious that he was also affected by this death, and that was a breath of fresh air, after recieving "clinical" care, in previous situations, from other OB's
I think i spent the next 2 days in a heap, just crying. I was in shock, and the pain was so bad. I thought i was having a heart attack at one point. After a lot of thought, we decided to go thru with the D&C. The day before the procedure, I was in a panic. I didnt want to do it. I felt like it would be a huge mistake and it was the wrong choice for me. I needed to see my baby. to hold my baby. I needed to do something different. I had to at least TRY to birth naturally. But there was so much going on around me. SO many people telling me what the "right choice" was. I just gave up the fight.
Surgery was scheduled for the 25th, at 730 am. I had to be at the hosptial at 530. The hosptial staff was nice, but it just seemed so wrong to be there. The doc came in and we asked for anther ultrasound, just to be sure. THe Phantom baby kicks were weighing on my mind, even though i know what we saw on the ultrasound. THe doc explained that he didnt have a machine,a nd if we hunted one down, we would lose the surgery suite. He assured me he was "certain" and that there was no chance he was wrong. I KNEW that, I guess, maybe i was hoping for a miracle. Off to surgery i went.
It is so surreal, when you go to sleep pregnant, and wake up empty. Nothing to show that there was ever a baby. No proof of this baby's life. My stomach looked much flatter, right after surgery. I felt nothing. no cramps, no bleeding. nothing. I was empty and numb. I went home from the hospital and slept all day. If i woke up, i was crying. I didnt want to eat, or drink. I felt lifeless.
I am struggling with my choice to have the surgery. I feel like i made a huge mistake that cannot be undone. I am trying to find peace, and searching for it constantly. I just feel like i was pressured into this, by everyone telling me the right thing to do, and maybe it was easier for all of them, if i just " got this over with". I feel that people dealing with grief, are very impressionable. I wish i would have just allowed myself to tune everyone else out, and make my own decision. But what is done is done. and i cant undo it. I will now have to find a way to deal with this and pick up the pieces.