Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The News

After waiting for over a week, my doctors office finally called. The test results were in. i was shocked when the phone rang so early, even though I had been up for a couple hours. When i answered the call, it was Nicole, Dr H's Nurse on the other end. She told me that they were not avoiding me, and had not forgotten about me. Dr was just really busy, and my chart got buried on his desk.
I listened as she told me the test results were in. I cant remember details and i need to call and ask for a copy of the report. Anyway, she told me that there was a mutation of some sort, to the Y chromosome. There were only 46 chromosomes, but something was off. Then she went on to tell me that this alone would not have likely caused the death of my baby, but it is worth looking into. The lab suggested that Phil get tested for this Y chromosome thing. I then asked if the testing is the same as kareotyping, and she said it was. Since Phil already had that done, and there was no findings, i dont know what we will do.
I also asked if the baby was a boy, and she said yes. Our 5th son. Our 4th son that died in my womb. We decided that we would name our boy Noah Michael. Noah means Peace. Michael is an angel. So he is our peaceful angel.
Now i am trying to figure out where i go from here. I want so badly to have hope. I want so badly to think that someday, we might get blessed with another baby. But every minute that passes, every lonely, heartbreaking minute, i feel that my dreams are further away.
I didnt really know that i wanted another baby. Noah was a surprise to us. He was so loved though. I wanted him from the moment i found out he was on his way. And now. Now I am left totally heart broken. Longing for the baby that was taken from me. The blessing for our family. Our Christmas Miracle. Now, I grieve, for the death of my son. A loss, that so many act as if it is not a big deal. It was just a miscarriage. But to me. it was the death of a life that i loved. The death of dreams that i had. I am so sad that the people of the world, dont know what they are missing. Because my son, would have been amazing.

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