Tuesday, August 31, 2010

11 years

11 years ago tonight, I was in active labor with my twin girls, Rachel and Rebecca. I knew that one of them had passed, and with the forced delivery, the other had no chance of survival. I was running a fever, on IV antibiotics, and fluids, and I was in a lot of pain. I thought the pain would come from pushing, so I kept refusing good pain meds. Afterall, my babies were not that big. I was on demerol, and i remember sleeping while in labor, but waking up in the peak of contractions. I felt sad, and scared and out of control. No one told me what to expect. All i knew is i was going to have my baby girls, and they were going to be dead. I remember my heart was broken. I remember my mom trying to help me, but she didnt have the words to take away my pain. No one did. I remember the room was dark, when i started to feel pressure. I remember panicking and my mom telling me to gain control, and then i told her i didnt have any control over this. Afterall, if i had control, i would be sitting in the house we just bought a couple weeks prior, very pregnant and reading my twin books. Instead, my babies were victims of Twin to Twin Tranfusion Syndrome.
When they were born, shortly after midnight, on September 1, i was so scared. I didnt want to look at them, but after Phil saw them, he urged me to look. I am glad he did. they were beautiful. perfect, tiny bodies. I didnt hold them. I didnt know how to react.
when i went home the next day, i was so sad. I just sat on my couch and cried. my heart was broken, my arms were empty, and i was filled with regret for not holding them. For not giving them names. They didnt have names for a week after they were born. I didnt know i wanted to name them. there was no service for them. No grave for me to visit. no proof my babies existed.
over the next few years, i dealt with a lot of regret. I hated that i never had a service for them. I still have not had a service for them, and i am still bothered by it. I also regret that i didnt feel that i should pay for a funeral for them. a plot, and grave marker. There was nothing with their names on it, for the world to see, until after Brock died. I feel like i let them down.
Now, it has been11 years. I sit here tonight, thinking about my girls. Wondering what it would be like to have 11 year old twin girls. What would they like to do? What type of music would they like? would they be super close or decide they could not stand each other? Would they like boys? Fight over boys? or think boys have cooties?
I will never know the answers to these questions. Things that parents complain about, ot take for granted. Simple things like favorite colors, or favorite sports. I will never know. I am jsut left with wonder.
It has been 11 years, and not a day goes by that i dont think about them. I miss them. I love them. They are my first born children. They are with 4 of their siblings in Heaven, and watching over 4 of their siblings. The oldest of 10 children.
I dont know details about my girls, but i do know that Rachel and Rebecca have made an amazing difference in my life. I know that my girls would be amazing people. I know that I will see them again someday. And i cannot wait for that reunion. a lifetime seems to long, many days, to be reunited, but i know it is not as long as it seems.

So Happy 11th Birthday to Rachel and Rebecca Andersen. My sweet baby girls. I hope to see you in my dreams tonight.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

It has been a while since i posted. Life has been interesting. I just spent almost a week in the hospital, after being in a very minor car accident. Maybe it wasnt that Minor, but at the time it seemed so.
While in the hospital, I had a lot of time to think. I was thinking about relationships, and how certain relationships effect me, and my family. I think I am in the right, to decide to let go of certain relationships, proceed with caution for others, and work hard on others. Yes, i still feel hurt, that my dad has chosen to write me off, as a drama queen or something, but i shouldnt be surprised. He is who he is, and i will not be abused by him anymore. I will work on surrounding myself with people who love me.
Also, while i was in the hospital, i was faced with constant reminders that my baby is gone. Every test i had, i was asked if I was pregnant. I would have been 26 weeks. It was painful to say no. I was also faced with constant announcements of every birth that happened during my 6 days there. I will admit, it was painful. And on Wednesday night, when they welcomed baby Noah to the world, i had no choice but to cry.
It is so hard to think about not having another baby, though i honestly think it will be the way it is. It has been almost 2 months since my D and C, and I am still hurting. I loved my son, and i wanted him to join my family so badly. Now i am left with life choices. Maybe we can adopt, someday. Maybe not. I do have my hands full with my kids, but i wouldnt trade it for the world. All of my children, living or dead, are my life. I am a great mother. Being a mom is the best job in the world, and the most important. I just wish i was able to mother all of my kids, everyday, and i didnt have the holes in my heart, that were left when my babies died.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Triplet Butterfly Wings: Six little angels

Triplet Butterfly Wings: Six little angels: "Rachel and Rebecca Twins Angels, Together Forever September 1, 1999 Rachel Rebecca Brock Edward First Little Man born at 21 weeks May 2..."

Monday, August 9, 2010

It has been a while, since i blogged, so i thought i would take the time this morning to write some random thoughts.
The last few weeks have been interesting to say the least. I have been thrown many little trials and i have been faced with decisions about who is welcome in my life, and who is not.
Two weeks ago, my husband was in the hospital. He had to have emergency surgery, and it was super stressful for me. I didnt realize how horrible it was for me to be at a hospital. I know it wasnt even me in the hospital, but the last time i was in one, i was having surgery, because Noah died. I was also terrified something would happen to my husband. Without him, I dont know how i would survive. We have been through so much together, and he is my rock. He is the person i can ALWAYS count on.
While he was in the hospital, someone who was supposed to be there for me, no matter what, decided to make contact with me. I had not heard from him, since the day i told him my baby died. And even then he didnt offer me any support. So the day that my husband is having surgery, this person decides to tell me how it is. I get emails on my phone, so i got an email from facebook, stating someone made a comment. After seeing the name, i thought maybe he was checking to see how my husband was doing. Nope. He was telling me that I was attention seeking, and that i pretty much brought all of my grief upon myself. He told me that God has told me in "His own way" that i should not have children. ( not even any more children) He said that numerous doctors have told me not to have children, and that was sooo not true. No doctor has ever told me not to have children. He told me i just want people to feel sorry for me. He also said that i was bashing my friends and family on the internet, for not knowing what to say.
I know i had posted my feelings on support during this time. I have stated that i have some awesome friends, that are just there for me. I can talk to them, and they dont have to say anything. They understand I am hurting. Then, yes, there are many people who have made it pretty clear, they have nothing to say on the matter. I know i have written about my own personal experiences about grief. When my twins died, almost 11 years ago, i had an unbelievable amount of support. ( however this person was not great then either), then with each death i have experienced, the support has been less and less.
I am sorry if this offends people. However, my feelings are not invalid. Grief is a very lonely place. It does help when people offer you help, or an ear, or shoulder to cry on. I am sorry if the fact i have lost children, makes people think i should not have any children. Before i was pregnant with Diesel, i decided to be done trying. he was a surprise to us. If i would have given up, i would not have him. He is a miracle child. He makes me heart smile, every single day. If I would have given up, after i had my twins, I would not have any living children. I am an amazing mother, raising even more amazing people. I guess, if this person would take 5 minutes to get to know my children, he might know that. I do not regret a single one of my children, living or dead. Each of my 10 children are very important to me. Each of them have formed me into who i am today. and who i will be tomorrow. I know that for some reason, God has trusted me, to birth these perfect little people, that would pass any trial on this Earth, and they just need to get a physical body so they can have eternal life. And yes, even knowing all of this is true, it still hurts that my children have died. My heart has been rebroken, when it was starting to heal, by the words of the person, who "had the courage to say what others wont". He, however, did not have the courage to call me and tell me how he feels. He had the "courage" to post it, on my facebook wall. And, it hurt.
A while ago, i was already starting to try to figure out where this person fit into my life. And i think he made it clear to me, in his latest form on contact, that he doesnt care if he is in my life or not. I am hurt in a way that i never thought possible. I am grieving the loss of a relationship, that at one point was pretty good. However, i only have time in my life for people that truly love me, and support me. I am worthy to recieve the love of others.

So, we also recently learned that my daughter has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Her obsessions have been getting more evident, with all the stress lately. And she is working them out with her compulsions. We were told when she was about 4 years old, that this was most likely the case, but to have it written down, in her medical chart, by a trained professional, is a bit scary. We will be going to a psychiatrist, and will continue care with our psychologist, to get her the help she needs. We are working with her, through behavior therapy, to learn to deal with this. She is very scared, and has a lot of anxiety, but she is a rock star. I know, that soon enough, she will be in control of the OCD, and not the other way around.

We will also be losing our home soon. We are searching for a new place to live, and not having a lot of luck. I feel like i need to meet new people, and to go where no one knows who I am, or my story. I am very sad that events in our life, that were beyond our control, have led us to bankruptcy and foreclosure. I am sad to lose the home that we had a lot of dreams for. I am sad to uproot my kids. However, who knows what God has in store for us. Something good will likely come out of this.

So i know this post is not just about the grief of losing Noah. I guess it is a post about the other things i am grieving, while i am grieving the fact that i have a lifetime to wait, to see him. When it rains, it pours. I am thankful for the love of those that care. I am grateful for all of my children. I know i will survive all of this i am going through, because, I am a survivor.