Monday, October 11, 2010

So many emotions, and scattered thoughts

It has been so long since i have taken the time to write. I have so much emotion going in my body, yet, i seem to be at a loss for words. The last couple weeks i have felt so sad. I cant really explain the way i feel. Maybe it is the time of year, maybe it is leaving the house that ALL of my children were born in. The only house my kids knew. Maybe it is the stress of making decisions that will affect the rest of my life. I just feel sad.
Here we are in Fall. I used to love this time of year, but now it is a not so happy time. September is my Nana's death anniversary, October is Erik's birthday, and November is Nana's. Then we jump right into the happy holidays. It is so hard to have "happy holidays" when you are sad and missing so many of your kids. I do try. I get up each day, slap on my fake smile, while i take a deep breath and leave my room. I engage all of my living children, cook, clean, shop for the "big day" and yet, i am sad. This time of year no longer is as fun as it once was.
I realized a couple weeks ago that Erik's 4th birthday will fall on the same day as Noah's 4 month day. I am so worried about how i will feel that day. I am wondering, and possibly hoping, it will be like a band aid. Instead of a LONG drawn out week or 2, i will just get the day over with. I guess I can hope that it will pass and i will be OK. I cant believe i am coming up on 4 years without Erik, and it has been 4 months since Noah died. When did this become my life?
I am really struggling with pregnant women. Especially those due around the same time I was due with Noah. It is not that i am not happy for these woman, it is just so hard for me. I am jealous, angry, and hurting. I guess it is all a part of grief. I dont know, but i know that listening to, and reading complaints, and how miserable they all are, make me want to scream!!!
So, My sister in law is due the same week i was due. I have been dreading going to Idaho next month, because i was going to have to spend a week staring at her round belly, knowing i was due the same time. I would be just as round, and have just as many complaints. I found out last night that she will be having the baby the week we are there. I cannot stop thinking about it. I wont be able to look at him/her, hold him/her, and talk about him/her. No one will understand why it brings tears to my eyes, and i have a hard time breathing. My husband will be in wonderland with all his family around, and i will be alone. Broken hearted. I have spent so much energy the last 12 hours trying to figure out a way to skip the trip. I dont want to hurt anyones feeling, but what about my own??

I guess i am feeling so lost and confused. I so badly want another baby, but hubby is worried the baby will die, and he will lose even more of me, that he doesnt want to try again. The thought that I will never have another baby in my life is more heartbreaking than many can imagine. All I want is another baby. I feel there is someone else for our family, but maybe i feel that way because 6 of my kids are not here with me. I cant really explain the way i feel i guess. I am just so lost. I feel alone in this house, no desire to do anything. Watching my kids grow up. Knowing there are no more kids for me, at least not in this life.

I am certain I will survive, just like in all the holidays past. I will keep my chin up, keep slapping on my happy face, and keep breathing.

1 comment:

  1. Melissa, I struggled with being around pregnant people and their babies when we were doing infertility treatments (both times). I can only empathize about how you would feel in this case. Seriously, can you get out of the trip somehow? That would seriously mess w/ sanity to be around a pregnant woman/newborn when your due date is coming up.

    I will keep you in prayer and hope you know that I read your blog but just don't comment much.


    (couchhound on HC forums)