I feel the need to write about my feelings on this subject, because i will be looking back at my blog, as i write my book. Also, maybe writing about it will help me put this part of my grief to rest. At least i can hope it will.
For the last week, i have had a major set back in my grief. Something happened that I am struggling to wrap my mind around, and this something has put me into a funk.
I have been attending a support group for several years. I love my group. The facilitators are amazing, and I feel so welcome among this group of bereaved parents. This group is my safe place. It is a place where my children existed. A place where people dont question my grief, because my children died before they were born. Over the years, i have made many friends, and i have come to love these people, and their children.
There was a woman that came to our group, shortly after the last conference. I learned last night, it was her therapist that actually brought her to the foundation. her story was a horrific one. She told us how she birthed 9 children, and 8 of them have passed away, as well as her husband. She told us how she experienced the whole gammot on how a child might die. From stillbirth, to car accident, to SIDS, to the 9-11 tragedy. When she spoke, my heart broke for her.
When i was pregnant with Diesel, i didnt attend any support group meetings, because of her. I was trying to be all "zen" during my pregnancy, and I was certain that this would not happen to be again, because I had lost 5 children before. After hearing her speak at group, about her 8 children, i was thinking "holy crap, this CAN happen to me again" so i stopped going. the thought of another child dying, the child I was pregnant with, was too much for me bare.
After Diesel was born, and i started coming back to the group, i would sit and think about this woman and her story. She seemed so strong. Like she survived this. I would think about how someday, maybe I will be like her, and be able to tell my story, without it cutting the way it does now. Afterall, this woman suffered so much, and she was still breathing. I was amazed. She gave me hope.
Last week, i learned it was ALL a lie. She LIED to us. She pretended to know our pain. She wanted to be one of us. I do not understand. why would anyone even pretend to know the pain of losing a child. This is the most horrific pain in the world. It is a pain that is so deep, that nothing can fix it. And she pretended to know. She would sit in a circle with us, as we shared parts of us, that we would never share amongst the "normals". The morbid thoughts that come with the death of a child. Some of our most private and personal thoughts, and emotions. She learned to play off of our emotions. Pulling at the heartstrings of many of the members. Likely taking things that were said during group, and using it to "gain", later, when talking to the group member.
I feel Angry, violated, and sad. I am angry because she did this. that she knows some of the most sacred parts of me, and the members of our group. That she used it for her own personal gain. I am violated that i shared my children with her, as a grieving mother, and she was lying. I am violated that i opened up in front of her, and now i feel she knows way too much about me and my children. I am sad. I am sad for me, because i put energy and thought into her, and the loss of her chidren, and i am sad for her. because she is so lonely, she felt she needed to make up this crazy story, so she would be accepted into some group.
There is so much more to this, going through my head. I am trying to process how she conned all of us, and why she would do it. However, after writing this incoherant post, i am hoping to put this to bed. To not spend another minute giving her attention. I need to work on my grief. I need to grieve for the connection i felt to her, but i need to grieve for my children even more. I am done with her. I want to not think about her anymore. Not another thought. I feel she got just what she was looking for. Attention. last night a room full of people talked for hours about her, I have been thinking about her for weeks. And now i am done. Time to move on. I will never understand why she did this, but I will do my best to move on and forget. I will offer my love and support to every other grieving person i come in contact with. But i will not feel sorry for her ever again.