It has been a while, since i blogged, so i thought i would take the time this morning to write some random thoughts.
The last few weeks have been interesting to say the least. I have been thrown many little trials and i have been faced with decisions about who is welcome in my life, and who is not.
Two weeks ago, my husband was in the hospital. He had to have emergency surgery, and it was super stressful for me. I didnt realize how horrible it was for me to be at a hospital. I know it wasnt even me in the hospital, but the last time i was in one, i was having surgery, because Noah died. I was also terrified something would happen to my husband. Without him, I dont know how i would survive. We have been through so much together, and he is my rock. He is the person i can ALWAYS count on.
While he was in the hospital, someone who was supposed to be there for me, no matter what, decided to make contact with me. I had not heard from him, since the day i told him my baby died. And even then he didnt offer me any support. So the day that my husband is having surgery, this person decides to tell me how it is. I get emails on my phone, so i got an email from facebook, stating someone made a comment. After seeing the name, i thought maybe he was checking to see how my husband was doing. Nope. He was telling me that I was attention seeking, and that i pretty much brought all of my grief upon myself. He told me that God has told me in "His own way" that i should not have children. ( not even any more children) He said that numerous doctors have told me not to have children, and that was sooo not true. No doctor has ever told me not to have children. He told me i just want people to feel sorry for me. He also said that i was bashing my friends and family on the internet, for not knowing what to say.
I know i had posted my feelings on support during this time. I have stated that i have some awesome friends, that are just there for me. I can talk to them, and they dont have to say anything. They understand I am hurting. Then, yes, there are many people who have made it pretty clear, they have nothing to say on the matter. I know i have written about my own personal experiences about grief. When my twins died, almost 11 years ago, i had an unbelievable amount of support. ( however this person was not great then either), then with each death i have experienced, the support has been less and less.
I am sorry if this offends people. However, my feelings are not invalid. Grief is a very lonely place. It does help when people offer you help, or an ear, or shoulder to cry on. I am sorry if the fact i have lost children, makes people think i should not have any children. Before i was pregnant with Diesel, i decided to be done trying. he was a surprise to us. If i would have given up, i would not have him. He is a miracle child. He makes me heart smile, every single day. If I would have given up, after i had my twins, I would not have any living children. I am an amazing mother, raising even more amazing people. I guess, if this person would take 5 minutes to get to know my children, he might know that. I do not regret a single one of my children, living or dead. Each of my 10 children are very important to me. Each of them have formed me into who i am today. and who i will be tomorrow. I know that for some reason, God has trusted me, to birth these perfect little people, that would pass any trial on this Earth, and they just need to get a physical body so they can have eternal life. And yes, even knowing all of this is true, it still hurts that my children have died. My heart has been rebroken, when it was starting to heal, by the words of the person, who "had the courage to say what others wont". He, however, did not have the courage to call me and tell me how he feels. He had the "courage" to post it, on my facebook wall. And, it hurt.
A while ago, i was already starting to try to figure out where this person fit into my life. And i think he made it clear to me, in his latest form on contact, that he doesnt care if he is in my life or not. I am hurt in a way that i never thought possible. I am grieving the loss of a relationship, that at one point was pretty good. However, i only have time in my life for people that truly love me, and support me. I am worthy to recieve the love of others.
So, we also recently learned that my daughter has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Her obsessions have been getting more evident, with all the stress lately. And she is working them out with her compulsions. We were told when she was about 4 years old, that this was most likely the case, but to have it written down, in her medical chart, by a trained professional, is a bit scary. We will be going to a psychiatrist, and will continue care with our psychologist, to get her the help she needs. We are working with her, through behavior therapy, to learn to deal with this. She is very scared, and has a lot of anxiety, but she is a rock star. I know, that soon enough, she will be in control of the OCD, and not the other way around.
We will also be losing our home soon. We are searching for a new place to live, and not having a lot of luck. I feel like i need to meet new people, and to go where no one knows who I am, or my story. I am very sad that events in our life, that were beyond our control, have led us to bankruptcy and foreclosure. I am sad to lose the home that we had a lot of dreams for. I am sad to uproot my kids. However, who knows what God has in store for us. Something good will likely come out of this.
So i know this post is not just about the grief of losing Noah. I guess it is a post about the other things i am grieving, while i am grieving the fact that i have a lifetime to wait, to see him. When it rains, it pours. I am thankful for the love of those that care. I am grateful for all of my children. I know i will survive all of this i am going through, because, I am a survivor.