Sunday, May 22, 2011

5 Years

Five years ago today, I gave birth to my first son. Brock Edward was born at home. He had died a few weeks prior. 3 weeks and 6 days, to be exact. I allowed him to come on his own schedule. I did not want to force him into the world, and I, selfishly, wanted more time with him. I was not ready to say goodbye. He was born around 7 am, after 1.5 hours of labor, very intense labor. He was so perfect, and beautiful, and small. I laid with him, in my bed for over an hour, memorizing everything about him. It was not until the mortuary came, to get him, that I broke down. I was not ready to say goodbye.

The next few days of funeral planning were a blur. I was blessed to go to a MISS conference just about 2 weeks after his birth. Spending a few days learning tools to care for my self, and to help me along on my grief journey. I am grateful I went.
Along the journey of the last 5 years I have learned a lot. I have learned about myself, my relationships, and my family. I have learned who is there when they are needed, and who walks, when times are tough. I have learned that I can honor my children, everyday. I have learned that I will never forget, and that i dont want to forget. I have learned that I am blessed, because I was chosen to be the mother for 6 children, that have died, and I am blessed that i had every one of them in my life.
Today, i am missing Brock, thinking about the the time i had with him, the dreams we had for him, and thinking about the day, that I will see him again. Today, i will serve others, in his memory, I will bake a cake and sing happy birthday, at the cemetery, and I will buy him a birthday gift. He is my child, he always will be, and even though we have said goodbye, he is not really gone. he lives thru me.
Missing you Brock. Happy Brithday

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Its May

May is a tough month for me. My grandfathers Birthday is May 4, and I miss him more than words can describe. Mothers Day, follows shortly behind that, and that is a day filled with mixed feeling and emotions. I miss my grandmother, and my aunt. Both played an important role in my life, and missing people you love is just plain hard.
Then there is the other side of Mothers day. The side that knows i am truly blessed for my 4 living kids. I am blessed to hold them, to talk to them, and to guide them thru life. Then there is the side that feels cheated. Cheated that i dont get to hold, talk to, and guide my 6 babies that are not with me. I am thrilled and blessed to wake up to breakfast in bed, made by my girls. Opening home made cards, and gifts. Yet wondering how it would be if i had 10 kids making me cards, instead of 4.

Sometimes i find it a fight, or a struggle, to learn how to parent all of my kids, without leaving any of them out. Also a struggle to do what i need to do, for all of my kids. Of course, many will say there is nothing i "need" to do for my kids that died, because they are not here, but I still want to do something for them. I am still their mother.
This year, there was something that added to my fight, and I had to make some decisions. There was a walk, on mothers day, for mothers of children that have died. It was something, that I wanted to do, when i first heard about it months ago. Then i learned it would be on Mothers Day, and i think I decided, i would not do it. As the time got closer, I started with a huge internal battle over what to do. I wanted to go and be with bereaved mothers, and have ALL of my children recognized, but I didnt want to take away from my Mothers day with my living kids. I mean, what kind of mother would I have felt like, if i got up early, and took off to the zoo alone, and walked for my dead kids, while my living kids were left with a pancake breakfast that I was not home to eat? Would that be selfish? Would that be putting my kids that passed in front of my kids that live? I would over think this, all day long for several days, then decide, Nope, i cant do it. I am staying home, and going to church. After the walk, everyone was posting pictures of the event, and it started all over again. I should have went, I wish i would have gone. I wish i would have been able to make a footprint with my kids names. But It was too late. And that is OK, because I guess I did what I really needed to do.
I understand the need to do something on mothers day, when your only child(ren) has died. My first mothers day after Rachel and Rebecca were born was not fun at all. I didnt know if i was a mother or not. No one seemed to see me as one, because i was a mother, without a child. The feelings that come from that experience, cannot really be explained. But, mothers day is also hard for those of us that have both kids that are living and kids that have passed. And many times it seems that our feelings are minimized. I have thought that I was alone in these thoughts. That I was somewhat messed up, and that I was feeling like I didnt have the right to feel what i was feeling, until I talked to a couple of friends, and found out they feel the same way. At least, then, my feelings were validated. ( though i dont know why i needed them to be)
I am thinking I might just set something up next year, for those who want honor all of our children on Mothers Day Weekend. Maybe a pot luck brunch, on saturday, and then Sunday with our family. I dont know. I guess parenting in 2 worlds will always be a struggle, but I do hope that someday, i find the balance i am searching for.

Wow, that was a lot about mothers day. Guess i have a lot of feelings on the subject.

Also, in May, is Brock's Birthday. May 22. I cant believe he would be 5. I got some kindergarten info a few weeks ago, and it was shocking. he would be in kindergarten this fall, if i didnt homeschool. A milestone that I dreamed of at one point. Brock died a couple weeks after my oldest daughter was registered for Kingergarten. I remember thinking about how he would never go. It has been a LONG 5 years. he was my first son. And i miss him.
I am not sure what I am going to do for him this year. Most likely a birthday cake, a kindness project of some form, and a visit to the cemetery with some summery flowers. Since we moved so far away, it is hard to get to visit, but I will get there for his birthday this month, Noahs next month, and then for a couple birthdays in the fall.

I feel like my life is changing, my grief i changing, and I am becoming more like the person I hope to become. I will forever honor my kids, and thru me, they will live on. I am proud of them all. All 10 of them, because each of my children have helped form me, and my spirit. They will forever be my kids, and I will forever me their mom.