Wednesday, June 30, 2010


The big thought of the day is questions. I have so many questions in my head, that i feel will never be answered. There are a lot of why's.
Why does this keep happening to me? What have I dont in my life to deserve all of this heartache and loss? Why have i not learned, whatever lesson, God is trying to teach me? Is there really a God? would a kind and loving, Heavenly Father, really want someone to suffer like this? Why is it that parents that want children, they will actually love and take care of, cant seem to have them, when all these other "parents" who only have children, to beat, starve, and abuse, get to keep their kids? WHy is it that " good people" have to go thru all of this crap? Why is my hope restored, only to have it crushed?
Am i not a good mother to my living kids? Am i being punished for something? If i was being punished, i wish i knew how to make whatever i have dont right. I dont understand why my babies keep dying.
I feel so sad and broken. I feel as if i am screwing up my kids, because i am sad and broken. I dont know how i can teach them things, that i am questioning. How am i supposed to be feeling now? How can i pretend that life is perfect? How am i supposed to walk around and tell everyone, that i am fine, while i feel like i am dying inside? Why is it MY JOB to comfort others, and reassure them, because they are uncomfortable with death? Why cant i be left alone, to feel what i feel?
It has only been a week, and yet life has just moved on. Within a couple days, i am expected to move on, becuase it was "just a miscarriage" Do people realize at 14 weeks, what a baby looks like? Does this not look like a baby ? Do people realize that i had been feeling my baby move? heard the heartbeat by doppler? had started picking out names? Even though this pregnancy was not expected, i instantly fell in love with my baby. for 10 full weeks, i dreamed of what this baby would mean to my family. wondering if Diesel was going to have a little brother to grow up with, or if he would be stuck with all sisters. I wondered about how my birth would go. I worried about breaking my tailbone again, but was so willing to do it. Every day, every hour, i thought of my baby. I thought of my baby, as i was throwing up, up to 20 times a day. It was all for a purpose. It was all worth it. Then just as i started feeling human again, and was getting to the point i could enjoy my pregnancy even more, it was all taken from me. But it was "just a miscarriage" it is time to move on. No need for tears. God needed my baby, more than i did. God needed an angel to tend to the garden. I have another angel looking over me. It wasnt meant to be. However, i dont understand. If it wasnt meant for me to have another baby, why did God allow me to be pregnant??
I never expected my life to be perfect. I just thought it would have more good times, and less bad. When Rachel and Rebecca died, i was so heartbroken. I couldnt believe all that was happening. I have so much regret, surrounding the whole experience. I was blessed with 3 kids, and thought the bad times were behind me. That was before 15 months of infertility, followed by loss, after loss, after loss, after loss, after loss. Financial Ruin, to remind me of all the loss ( not that i need a reminder) and then my little ray of hope. Diesel. My Special little man. filled with blessings and trials. As well as emotional struggles. because for the first time, raising a son, i know what i am missing out on, from Brock, Erik, and Joe. After being blessed with Diesel, I thought things were changing for us. When i got pregnant again, i had hope. A hope i didnt have when I was pregnant with Diesel. and just when i thought it would be OK. It was all stripped from me. It is like a bad nightmare, i cant wake up from.
So i am left wondering. Is this all there is for me? Is this how my life is meant to be? Will I EVER feel better?


  1. Hi Melissa,
    I've never had a miscarriage. But I did have a 12mo22day old son named Carsten, die 10 years ago. I can so relate to the feeling of the world moving on and me watching and my heart is broken and wondering how everyone can just keep on going.

    And you DON'T have to be strong for everyone else. By golly, you SHOULD cry if you feel like it. I did and it was the best thing I could've done for my grieving. I still have pictures of my son in my home and he is as much alive to me and my family as to the rest of the world. I talk about him and include him in my count of children. If someone asks, I willingly tell them about my beautiful baby. And yes, I DO still cry 10 years after the fact. And that's ok. People get uncomfortable when they see tears. But that's the only way I found that I could heal.

    I don't know if any of this is helpful to you. But I thought I would reach out to you and give you a huge hug and tell you that each of your angels will always be with you and comfort you ~ just on a different level.

    I think about Carsten everryday and I know he is with us. My two little kids talk about him as if they knew him. When in reality, they were born years after he died. It is very sweet.

  2. thank you Shan for you comment, and for sharing Carsten with me. My kids are so aware of all of their siblings that have died, and they talk of them often. It is very sweet.
    Anyway, your words are sweet, and i appreciate them.

  3. I still haven't come up with any good answers. Or answers that don't mean God (if there is a God) is a spiteful and mean being.

    I don't understand why our society doesn't allow for women who experience miscarriages to grieve. It is such a taboo subject. I feel like once you've lost a child, be it 1 or 6 you have a right to act in whatever way you feel. The world owes you, not the other way around. Grieve, cry, scream. Do it. What other people think doesn't matter.