Healing

I am trying so hard to start healing from all the trauma i have gone through. I am trying to heal in a way i have never tried before. I am writing. I am writing the stories of each of my children. I want to write about my full journey of motherhood. Including the hope, and the despair. It has been such a roller coaster for us, and I am struggling so much with the ride. I am trying to understand, as much as it is possible, what has happened. I feel like a freak. A freak that has all these dead babies. A freak that still has hope, that maybe one day, i will hold a tiny living baby again. Even though, my mind knows, it is highly unlikely. I am struggling with the decisions i have to make. I am glad i dont have to make any right now. I am looking forward to going to the doctor in a week. I hope he can provide me with answers. I know he will highly suggest that we never try again, and that we close up shop, and i know that hearing those words will hurt. It is so hard to give up the dream. I always wanted a large family. I know, many people think that 4 kids is a large family, but i dont think so. Especially when i have 6 holes in my heart. I know the holes will never be filled, even if i had 100 kids. I am not trying to fill the holes. The holes are part of who i am, and who i will be. I just wished so much, that my child bearing years could have ended in happiness, and not in grief. I guess that is the biggest struggle. The reality, that i have more than likely had my last baby. And i didnt get to birth my last baby. and my last baby was dead.
I hope that i can help others, in some way. I hope that i can have the strength to go on, even when i want to die. I hope that i can turn my babies deaths, into hope and strength for other. I hope that they will continue to matter, even in their death. I know they will always be a part of my family, and i know I will always miss them. It will be so wonderful if someday, their lives, will touch others, the way they have touched me, and that they too, will be recognized as more than just a miscarriage, or stillbirth, but as my children.