It is over.

I am so sad to be starting a blog like this. I am hoping to use this blog as a place to write out my feelings, organize my scattered thoughts, and a place to come to, while i am in the midst of a project, that i am going to undertake. THis is a project that has been on my mind for about 3 years, and after the last week, i feel even more impressed that I need to do this.

Now the story.
Tuesday, June 22, i was excited, as i was getting ready for my OB appt.I was hoping to talk to my doctor about some things i had researched, about Iodine deficiency, and was hoping to get help for my chronic headaches. I was trying to ignore my anxiety that something was wrong. I had felt "off" since sunday night, though i couldnt explain it. I asked Phil to go to the doctor with me. And I had my cousin with me, so i didnt have to take all 4 kids to the doc with me.
I was trying to relax, as Nicole, the nurse, was trying to find little ones heart beat. We heard it perfectly at 10 weeks, which was crazy early, so i started to panic. She told me not to worry, as she moved us to an ultrasound room.
A few minutes later, Dr. H came in, and asked how we were doing. I said " are you kidding me? I am freaking out!" he said he understood. And turned on the machine. At first look, he said "looks good". I guess he meant that the baby looked to be the right size, and appropriately developed for 14 weeks. He kept looking and then said he really needed to look vaginally to get a better idea of what was going on. I already knew what i saw, and more importantly, what i didnt see. There was NO blinking light, of a flickering little heart.
I got undressed, and he came right back in. And it became clear really fast. There was no movement. No heartbeat. Our baby was gone. He then pointed out that the placenta was separted. Maybe this will be the first of our losses like this, that might have an explanation. I now know, that having an answer, doesnt make it better. The fact remains. My baby is dead. All i could think is " i cant believe this is happening again" and " I dont want to do this again"
I have been thru this, so many times, and it never gets easier. It hurts every time, and this time i feel so blindsided. I actually had hope that this baby, due right at Christmas, would make it, and be our Christmas Miracle.
Because of what was going on, my doc recommended a D&C. I had never had one before. I didnt want to do it. I have birthed babies, from 15 weeks, to 21 weeks, naturally, and even at home. I have held my babies, and named them all. I got their hand prints and foot prints. Having a D&C was nothing I was interested in. I told him I needed to think about it, and he didnt rush me at all. I appreciated his somber mood, and great bedside manor. It was obvious that he was also affected by this death, and that was a breath of fresh air, after recieving "clinical" care, in previous situations, from other OB's
I think i spent the next 2 days in a heap, just crying. I was in shock, and the pain was so bad. I thought i was having a heart attack at one point. After a lot of thought, we decided to go thru with the D&C. The day before the procedure, I was in a panic. I didnt want to do it. I felt like it would be a huge mistake and it was the wrong choice for me. I needed to see my baby. to hold my baby. I needed to do something different. I had to at least TRY to birth naturally. But there was so much going on around me. SO many people telling me what the "right choice" was. I just gave up the fight.
Surgery was scheduled for the 25th, at 730 am. I had to be at the hosptial at 530. The hosptial staff was nice, but it just seemed so wrong to be there. The doc came in and we asked for anther ultrasound, just to be sure. THe Phantom baby kicks were weighing on my mind, even though i know what we saw on the ultrasound. THe doc explained that he didnt have a machine,a nd if we hunted one down, we would lose the surgery suite. He assured me he was "certain" and that there was no chance he was wrong. I KNEW that, I guess, maybe i was hoping for a miracle. Off to surgery i went.
It is so surreal, when you go to sleep pregnant, and wake up empty. Nothing to show that there was ever a baby. No proof of this baby's life. My stomach looked much flatter, right after surgery. I felt nothing. no cramps, no bleeding. nothing. I was empty and numb. I went home from the hospital and slept all day. If i woke up, i was crying. I didnt want to eat, or drink. I felt lifeless.
I am struggling with my choice to have the surgery. I feel like i made a huge mistake that cannot be undone. I am trying to find peace, and searching for it constantly. I just feel like i was pressured into this, by everyone telling me the right thing to do, and maybe it was easier for all of them, if i just " got this over with". I feel that people dealing with grief, are very impressionable. I wish i would have just allowed myself to tune everyone else out, and make my own decision. But what is done is done. and i cant undo it. I will now have to find a way to deal with this and pick up the pieces.