Wednesday, October 27, 2010

My Rainbow.

While having a hard day, last week, the clouds in the sky matched my mood. I was thinking about Erik's birthday, that was coming up, and trying to think about what to do for that. A song came on the radio, that made me feel sad, and just then, i turned the corner and saw a double rainbow in the sky! It was amazing.
Instantly the band Perry song came into my head. If I Die Young.
"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she ...stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time"

This picture was taken from my car, while driving on the freeway. It isnt a perfect picture, but it is a double rainbow. Thank you for the rainbow. I know, without the rain, there would be no rainbows.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Time keeps on moving on. Sometimes i feel stuck, and others i feel I am making progress in my grief. Sometimes i feel like I am living in a dream world, or a movie. Others, I allow the pain to fully hit me, and I know it is real. My babies are dead.
Yesterday was a big day for me. Erik's 4th birthday. It was also the day that marked 4 months since Noah died. Because i never had a proper memorial for Erik, I decided to make his birthday special. I invited a few friends, and we planned a time for pizza and cake. It was a cloudy day, and I was worried it would rain on us, but right before the "party" the skies cleared and it was beautiful outside. I set the party to start at 530. The kids were eager to blow bubbles and play near the fountain. the adults set up chairs and blankets, and when the last guests arrived, we started to eat. I had bought a bunch of balloons for anyone to write on. I didnt read what anyone else wrote, but I wrote a goodbye to my son. I dont think i had ever really said goodbye to him. I told him how much i loved him. I told him how much i missed him, and how i wished things were different. How i wished he was sent to me, and i was able to keep him. I told him, I cannot wait, until we meet again. I decided to let the balloons to all go off together, all clipped and held tightly. My thoughts were, they would be able to get closer to heaven, and our messages would be easier received by our kids. Silly, i know.
Before we ate cake, i looks at the most beautiful sunset. It was like it was painted in the skies, just for me. I silently said a prayer of thanks for all the beauty in this world. I said a prayer of thanks for my friends, who came to show their love for me. It is amazing when i think that I would not have ever met any of these wonderful people, had it not been for the deaths of our children. I so wish i could have met them all under different circumstances.
After the cake was cut, and we started to eat, we were asked to move our cars outside the gates of the cemetery to they could lock up. We were given permission to hang out as long as we wanted, which was nice. It was so great how they respected us and our need to gather. Shortly after the cars were moved, the sprinklers came on. Everything got wet! It was crazy. Brought back the memory of gathering at anther cemetery just 2 months ago, for another angels birthday, and having the SAME THING happen.
I think there are some angels that have a sense of humor.
I really had a good time at the cemetery. I know, to many, that sounds odd, but i feel so comfortable there. I dont go often, but when i do, i feel peace. I am glad I was able to take some time to say goodbye to my second son. I miss Erik so much. His birth still has my quite traumatized, but I hope to heal from that soon. I will never wish that he never was. I love that he is my son, and my only regret comes from him not being with us longer. 18 short weeks. 18 weeks was plenty long for me to fall in love with my son. for me to bond with my son. I felt him move, I heard his heartbeat on a daily basis. I was happy for the months of throwing up, because that meant i was being blessed. He was my sunshine. My unexpected hope, after Brock died. I just wasnt lucky enough to get to raise him. Someday. SOmeday, my angels, I will raise you. I will hold you, and for the first time, look into your eyes. I will hear your voice. I will know your favorite color. Until then, time keeps marching on. I will continue to hold you in my heart, my mind, my thoughts. I will not forget. Until then, Goodbye my babies. Mommy will always miss you.

Monday, October 11, 2010

So many emotions, and scattered thoughts

It has been so long since i have taken the time to write. I have so much emotion going in my body, yet, i seem to be at a loss for words. The last couple weeks i have felt so sad. I cant really explain the way i feel. Maybe it is the time of year, maybe it is leaving the house that ALL of my children were born in. The only house my kids knew. Maybe it is the stress of making decisions that will affect the rest of my life. I just feel sad.
Here we are in Fall. I used to love this time of year, but now it is a not so happy time. September is my Nana's death anniversary, October is Erik's birthday, and November is Nana's. Then we jump right into the happy holidays. It is so hard to have "happy holidays" when you are sad and missing so many of your kids. I do try. I get up each day, slap on my fake smile, while i take a deep breath and leave my room. I engage all of my living children, cook, clean, shop for the "big day" and yet, i am sad. This time of year no longer is as fun as it once was.
I realized a couple weeks ago that Erik's 4th birthday will fall on the same day as Noah's 4 month day. I am so worried about how i will feel that day. I am wondering, and possibly hoping, it will be like a band aid. Instead of a LONG drawn out week or 2, i will just get the day over with. I guess I can hope that it will pass and i will be OK. I cant believe i am coming up on 4 years without Erik, and it has been 4 months since Noah died. When did this become my life?
I am really struggling with pregnant women. Especially those due around the same time I was due with Noah. It is not that i am not happy for these woman, it is just so hard for me. I am jealous, angry, and hurting. I guess it is all a part of grief. I dont know, but i know that listening to, and reading complaints, and how miserable they all are, make me want to scream!!!
So, My sister in law is due the same week i was due. I have been dreading going to Idaho next month, because i was going to have to spend a week staring at her round belly, knowing i was due the same time. I would be just as round, and have just as many complaints. I found out last night that she will be having the baby the week we are there. I cannot stop thinking about it. I wont be able to look at him/her, hold him/her, and talk about him/her. No one will understand why it brings tears to my eyes, and i have a hard time breathing. My husband will be in wonderland with all his family around, and i will be alone. Broken hearted. I have spent so much energy the last 12 hours trying to figure out a way to skip the trip. I dont want to hurt anyones feeling, but what about my own??

I guess i am feeling so lost and confused. I so badly want another baby, but hubby is worried the baby will die, and he will lose even more of me, that he doesnt want to try again. The thought that I will never have another baby in my life is more heartbreaking than many can imagine. All I want is another baby. I feel there is someone else for our family, but maybe i feel that way because 6 of my kids are not here with me. I cant really explain the way i feel i guess. I am just so lost. I feel alone in this house, no desire to do anything. Watching my kids grow up. Knowing there are no more kids for me, at least not in this life.

I am certain I will survive, just like in all the holidays past. I will keep my chin up, keep slapping on my happy face, and keep breathing.