Wednesday, June 30, 2010

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving


The big thought of the day is questions. I have so many questions in my head, that i feel will never be answered. There are a lot of why's.
Why does this keep happening to me? What have I dont in my life to deserve all of this heartache and loss? Why have i not learned, whatever lesson, God is trying to teach me? Is there really a God? would a kind and loving, Heavenly Father, really want someone to suffer like this? Why is it that parents that want children, they will actually love and take care of, cant seem to have them, when all these other "parents" who only have children, to beat, starve, and abuse, get to keep their kids? WHy is it that " good people" have to go thru all of this crap? Why is my hope restored, only to have it crushed?
Am i not a good mother to my living kids? Am i being punished for something? If i was being punished, i wish i knew how to make whatever i have dont right. I dont understand why my babies keep dying.
I feel so sad and broken. I feel as if i am screwing up my kids, because i am sad and broken. I dont know how i can teach them things, that i am questioning. How am i supposed to be feeling now? How can i pretend that life is perfect? How am i supposed to walk around and tell everyone, that i am fine, while i feel like i am dying inside? Why is it MY JOB to comfort others, and reassure them, because they are uncomfortable with death? Why cant i be left alone, to feel what i feel?
It has only been a week, and yet life has just moved on. Within a couple days, i am expected to move on, becuase it was "just a miscarriage" Do people realize at 14 weeks, what a baby looks like? Does this not look like a baby ? Do people realize that i had been feeling my baby move? heard the heartbeat by doppler? had started picking out names? Even though this pregnancy was not expected, i instantly fell in love with my baby. for 10 full weeks, i dreamed of what this baby would mean to my family. wondering if Diesel was going to have a little brother to grow up with, or if he would be stuck with all sisters. I wondered about how my birth would go. I worried about breaking my tailbone again, but was so willing to do it. Every day, every hour, i thought of my baby. I thought of my baby, as i was throwing up, up to 20 times a day. It was all for a purpose. It was all worth it. Then just as i started feeling human again, and was getting to the point i could enjoy my pregnancy even more, it was all taken from me. But it was "just a miscarriage" it is time to move on. No need for tears. God needed my baby, more than i did. God needed an angel to tend to the garden. I have another angel looking over me. It wasnt meant to be. However, i dont understand. If it wasnt meant for me to have another baby, why did God allow me to be pregnant??
I never expected my life to be perfect. I just thought it would have more good times, and less bad. When Rachel and Rebecca died, i was so heartbroken. I couldnt believe all that was happening. I have so much regret, surrounding the whole experience. I was blessed with 3 kids, and thought the bad times were behind me. That was before 15 months of infertility, followed by loss, after loss, after loss, after loss, after loss. Financial Ruin, to remind me of all the loss ( not that i need a reminder) and then my little ray of hope. Diesel. My Special little man. filled with blessings and trials. As well as emotional struggles. because for the first time, raising a son, i know what i am missing out on, from Brock, Erik, and Joe. After being blessed with Diesel, I thought things were changing for us. When i got pregnant again, i had hope. A hope i didnt have when I was pregnant with Diesel. and just when i thought it would be OK. It was all stripped from me. It is like a bad nightmare, i cant wake up from.
So i am left wondering. Is this all there is for me? Is this how my life is meant to be? Will I EVER feel better?

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

One Week

One week has passed, since i found out my sweet baby died. It seems like just yesterday, i was laying in my doctors office, panicking, and praying for a flickering light of a heartbeat. I remember looking at my doctors face, as he was trying to find one. He searched, for what seemed like an hour, but the baby was so still. At 14 weeks, they are normally dancing about. The stillness, was hard to look at. I new something had happened, I had a feeling, even 2 days before. But i thought it was just my anxieties. I was so hoping that Phil would have had the chance to hear his little baby's heartbeat that day. Instead, he got to sit there, panicked, with me, as we searched for life. I am so grateful he was there with me.
It has only been 4 days, since my D&C. I still look a little pregnant, and i hate that. All of the clothes i own, are maternity. Brand new ones at that. I decided I really wanted to go buy regular clothes last night. What a joke. I walked into the mall, and within minutes, i saw about 7 pregnant women, most of them young teens. I frantically looked for something that might fit, so i could go into a dressing room. As i put on a pair of pants, with buttons and a zipper, i started to cry. THis is not fair. I should be almost 4 months pregnant right now, and instead i am buying regular clothes. And what is worse is, no matter how hard i tried, i couldnt hide my belly. Everything made me look pregnant. Like my empty belly was slapping me in the face. My friend joined me at the mall, and we went on to several stores. I didnt have much success. It just doesnt seem right.
I am trying to keep busy. If i am busy, i dont fall apart. Yesterday i cleaned my house all day. I mopped, and did a ton of laundry, and today i feel the need to do more. I have to get this baby stuff out of my house. It taunts me. It makes me sad. I had been saving a few things, for the baby, and now my baby doesnt need them. The crib we bought, might wind up in my fireplace, if i cant find somewhere for it to go. I am trying to keep myself together, and trying to not mess with my kids heads, during my grief. I guess righ tnow, cleaning is the only thing i can manage to do to help.
Also, yesterday i tried 3 times to call my OB, to make my follow up appt. Why cant i pick up the phone and call? Why is it that big of a deal? I know i want to go in. I know i want to get the results of the testing that was done. I know i want to talk a couple things through with the doctor. But i think what is stopping me is the fact i will be sitting in an OB office, filled with pregnant women. Sometimes, that is too much to think about.
Today should be an interesting day. I had made plans weeks ago, with friends, to see the Twilight Saga. I thought about not going, then thought, i really need to go. I need to get out. I need to think about something else. I need to try to have fun. and i need to not feel guilty about it. I know it has only been a few days, and i know i am not moving on. I just need to have a good time, if i can. I am a little worried about getting too fatigued. I havent slept in a week, and i will be out really late. My body is very tired, from all the trauma it has gone through.
I am filled with sadness. My heart is broken. I am thinking of names, all the time, trying to find the perfect name, for my newest angel. I am sad to think about never having the joy of a sweet baby in my arms, again, and i am terrified at the thought of having to deal with this again. Losing a child, doesnt decrease the desire to have a child. It just makes the decision more complicated. I know people think i would be crazy, if i tried again. And they are probably right. Every time this has happened, i have worried about literally breaking. But my empty arms are aching. This is going to be a LONG end to a LONG year.

Monday, June 28, 2010

The night.

The nights are horrible. THe house is quiet and it is just me and my thoughts. Sometimes my thoughts get pretty dark. I am hurting so much, that i just want to run away. I feel like i am out of tears. I cannot believe that i am dealing with this heartache again. I feel as if, i am trying to prove myself as some supernatural being. NO one should ever have to go thru this. The death of one child is too much to bear. You will hear people say that it is without reason that a parent should have to bury a child. So what does it mean, when a parent has to bury 6 children? Why is it that my baby died, once i started having hope that all would be OK. How is it that the chance of a child dying, after 12 weeks of pregnancy is less than 1 percent, and i have been in that 1 percent 5 times now, with 6 babies? How is it that the doctors say there is nothing wrong with me???? How can there be nothing wrong? Why has my body failed all of these babies?
I know so many people have their opinions of me. So many tell me that i am so strong, and that they could never live if their child died. Are they implying that they love their children more than me? I mean, what choice do i have? I was literally close to death, after the birth of Erik, at 18 weeks. I was bleeding to death, before i had to have an emergency surgery. I remember thinking, on my way to surgery, i just wish i would die. That the pain is too much to live with. and i didnt. For some reason, i am left on this Earth to grieve. I grieve, because i love. I love my children, All 10 of them, with every ounce of my being. I do not love my living children more than my children that have died. Just like i dont love my oldest child, more than my youngest. A mothers love doesnt work that way.
I am nervous and scared for when i have to go back to church. I know everyone means well, but i have been hurt so much by the comments people have made in the past. I know the people are trying to help, or at least i like to think that, but some things really hurt. There has been a few of us at church lately, that have experienced this horrible kind of loss, and I feel for every one of us. I pray that they do not hear the comments i hear. I know people have strong opinions, because i have been thru this so many times. I have heard that it is my fault this happens, because i am such a "hippie" ( in not so many words) and those words have burned me for over 3 years. There is no good to come when people try to reason this kind of loss. There is no reason. What ever happened to, " I am so sorry your baby died, Please take all the time you need, and call if i can help you in any way."? That is it. Just leave it at that. Dont make comments when i am sobbing during a baby blessing. It is not that i am unhappy for the happy family, i am just unhappy that I will never get to hear a blessing on my own baby.
I guess, last night, i was thinking, that i have never felt more alone. I feel like i have spent all my grief tokens, and i am out of them. That people are done hearing it from me. That I should be some sort of pro at this. I was remembering when my twins, Rachel and Rebecca died, my phone rang non-stop. Everyone was telling me how sorry they were. The calls were less with Brock, then even less with Erik, and with Joe, and this one ( whom hasn't yet been named, but will soon) no one really calls. Now, i have had a few wonderful friends that have helped me. I am ever grateful for that. The meal I received was a great gift. The friends that watched my kids, so i could go and have my surgery, gave me a huge peace of mind that my kids were OK. I am not saying i have NO support. I am just saying, that i am totally broken, and i have never felt more alone. ( please do not make a comment that my feelings are invalid. No ones feelings are invalid, if they are really feeling them)

Sunday, June 27, 2010

It is over.

I am so sad to be starting a blog like this. I am hoping to use this blog as a place to write out my feelings, organize my scattered thoughts, and a place to come to, while i am in the midst of a project, that i am going to undertake. THis is a project that has been on my mind for about 3 years, and after the last week, i feel even more impressed that I need to do this.

Now the story.
Tuesday, June 22, i was excited, as i was getting ready for my OB appt.I was hoping to talk to my doctor about some things i had researched, about Iodine deficiency, and was hoping to get help for my chronic headaches. I was trying to ignore my anxiety that something was wrong. I had felt "off" since sunday night, though i couldnt explain it. I asked Phil to go to the doctor with me. And I had my cousin with me, so i didnt have to take all 4 kids to the doc with me.
I was trying to relax, as Nicole, the nurse, was trying to find little ones heart beat. We heard it perfectly at 10 weeks, which was crazy early, so i started to panic. She told me not to worry, as she moved us to an ultrasound room.
A few minutes later, Dr. H came in, and asked how we were doing. I said " are you kidding me? I am freaking out!" he said he understood. And turned on the machine. At first look, he said "looks good". I guess he meant that the baby looked to be the right size, and appropriately developed for 14 weeks. He kept looking and then said he really needed to look vaginally to get a better idea of what was going on. I already knew what i saw, and more importantly, what i didnt see. There was NO blinking light, of a flickering little heart.
I got undressed, and he came right back in. And it became clear really fast. There was no movement. No heartbeat. Our baby was gone. He then pointed out that the placenta was separted. Maybe this will be the first of our losses like this, that might have an explanation. I now know, that having an answer, doesnt make it better. The fact remains. My baby is dead. All i could think is " i cant believe this is happening again" and " I dont want to do this again"
I have been thru this, so many times, and it never gets easier. It hurts every time, and this time i feel so blindsided. I actually had hope that this baby, due right at Christmas, would make it, and be our Christmas Miracle.
Because of what was going on, my doc recommended a D&C. I had never had one before. I didnt want to do it. I have birthed babies, from 15 weeks, to 21 weeks, naturally, and even at home. I have held my babies, and named them all. I got their hand prints and foot prints. Having a D&C was nothing I was interested in. I told him I needed to think about it, and he didnt rush me at all. I appreciated his somber mood, and great bedside manor. It was obvious that he was also affected by this death, and that was a breath of fresh air, after recieving "clinical" care, in previous situations, from other OB's
I think i spent the next 2 days in a heap, just crying. I was in shock, and the pain was so bad. I thought i was having a heart attack at one point. After a lot of thought, we decided to go thru with the D&C. The day before the procedure, I was in a panic. I didnt want to do it. I felt like it would be a huge mistake and it was the wrong choice for me. I needed to see my baby. to hold my baby. I needed to do something different. I had to at least TRY to birth naturally. But there was so much going on around me. SO many people telling me what the "right choice" was. I just gave up the fight.
Surgery was scheduled for the 25th, at 730 am. I had to be at the hosptial at 530. The hosptial staff was nice, but it just seemed so wrong to be there. The doc came in and we asked for anther ultrasound, just to be sure. THe Phantom baby kicks were weighing on my mind, even though i know what we saw on the ultrasound. THe doc explained that he didnt have a machine,a nd if we hunted one down, we would lose the surgery suite. He assured me he was "certain" and that there was no chance he was wrong. I KNEW that, I guess, maybe i was hoping for a miracle. Off to surgery i went.
It is so surreal, when you go to sleep pregnant, and wake up empty. Nothing to show that there was ever a baby. No proof of this baby's life. My stomach looked much flatter, right after surgery. I felt nothing. no cramps, no bleeding. nothing. I was empty and numb. I went home from the hospital and slept all day. If i woke up, i was crying. I didnt want to eat, or drink. I felt lifeless.
I am struggling with my choice to have the surgery. I feel like i made a huge mistake that cannot be undone. I am trying to find peace, and searching for it constantly. I just feel like i was pressured into this, by everyone telling me the right thing to do, and maybe it was easier for all of them, if i just " got this over with". I feel that people dealing with grief, are very impressionable. I wish i would have just allowed myself to tune everyone else out, and make my own decision. But what is done is done. and i cant undo it. I will now have to find a way to deal with this and pick up the pieces.