Thursday, November 4, 2010

To my sweet Erik

Erik, Lately i have been thinking so much about you. I have been thinking of your birth, the trauma, and the events that happened after your birth.
The night we found out you died is still so vivid in my mind. I remember Mary coming over for my first homebirth prenatal. After a couple hours, it was time to check and listen to you. I was actually thinking you might be twins, because when i would listen to your heart, i would get major variations in your heart rate. From 130's to 180's. I had just listened to you earlier that day, so i was feeling pretty good. However, when we tried to listen to you, there was a very loud silence in my womb. We tried for almost an hour to find your heartbeat, but i knew you were gone. After she left, i went to my room, fell to my knees, and began begging God to put life back into your body. I couldnt believe you were taken from me. It had only been 5 months since we laid Brock to rest, and now i was reliving my nightmare.
The next day I went to the OB office. Everyone was very rude to me, and there was no sympathy. it was horrifying. It was confirmed by ultrasound that you had died, and i decided to be induced. Sometimes i wonder if that is why so much bad stuff happened.
Almost a week later, i went to the hospital to be induced. The nurses were nice, letting me do my own thing. But things went from OK to really bad, pretty quickly. First there was the doctor, that was trying to pull your tiny body from me, and he nearly decapitated you. After you were born, the nurses were telling me i didnt want to see you, but what did they know? you were my son, and of course i wanted to see you. Then i started bleeding. Your placenta was stuck and coming out in tiny pieces, and i was nearly bleeding to death. I was rushed into surgery.
I remember being disappointed when i woke up. I wanted to die. I was hoping to go to Heaven and be with you, your brother, and your sisters. but that didnt happen. I was alive. Well. Maybe not alive, but i was breathing. My heart was broken, and i thought I would never live thru the grief. How much can one mother take?
I really struggled with life after your birth. I never felt like i said a proper good bye to you, and i think that is part of the reason i had such a hard time. Then, there was the lovely "bat girls" a group of moms, on the internet, that dedicated an entire website to hating me. They said i was a liar, that i was a scammer. That you never were. They told me how stupid i was, trashed my business, when i was at my lowest, they just kept on kicking me. I could not believe how these other "moms" were acting. How could they do this. I was an active part of their community, and then they all turned on me. In my late 20's, I was a victim of internet bullying. Unbelivable.
Because of them, i decided to close my business. I guess I can thank them for that. I went from business owner/mom to just mom. I got off the online forums for the most part. and tried to refocus. However, i was still very sad, and barely breathing most days.
I feel like i never fully felt the loss of you. I feel like i was so sad, and concentrating on the loss of myself, that the loss of you was not fully felt. I feel guilty that i didnt allow myself to feel everything i needed to feel. I put my grief for Brock, and put it in front of you, and for that I am sorry. I guess i didnt know how to grieve for 2 kids at once.
Every day, i think about how i can save money, to get a new headstone with your name on it. I want ALL of my kids recognized on the stone. I want to go and touch and see all of your names. I need to look at it all, carved in stone, because then, i might have some closure.
Erik, i am trying now. I am trying to give you a proper goodbye. I have been thinking about you so much, and i know this is something i need to do. It will take time. That is for sure. possibly a lifetime, well, most likely a lifetime.
I wish i had your pictures, and i wish i was able to spend more time with you. No matter what people said, you were beautiful to me.
I love you, and I miss you. I will love and miss you for always!