Thursday, July 1, 2010

I am trying

Another night without sleep. How long can this really go on? I am getting to the point i am afraid to drive or do other things, because i feel so out of it. I am exhausted. I am trying to process what has happened. Trying to accept what it is, but it doesnt seem real. I feel guilty for some of my feelings i have. I feel guilty for not being a good mom to my kids right now. I might have to do something "special" with them today. I just dont know what.
I am trying. I am trying to be the mother to my kids. All 10 of them. I am trying to make sense of what has happened. I am trying to be present with my 4 kids here. I am trying to not be such a burden on others. I am trying to decide, what I need to do, medically, for me. Trying to get things together, for my husbands birthday, my moms birthday, which are just a couple days away. I wish so desperately i was "normal". That i never joined this "club" and that my membership would stop being renewed. Once a grieving parent, always a grieving parent. So why all this renewal?

1 comment:

  1. I think you need to give yourself permission to not be okay right now.
    You do not have to be okay right now. You just don't. You just lost a baby, you shouldn't be okay. There will be more husband's and mom's birthdays, right now YOU need to be your top priority. Your children will be fine, and by dealing with your grief you are being a good mother to all of them.
    I really hope getting some sleep helps. Have you ever taken unisom? It's over the counter, I took it a little after Lucy died and it helped me get back into a decent sleeping pattern.