Another night without sleep. How long can this really go on? I am getting to the point i am afraid to drive or do other things, because i feel so out of it. I am exhausted. I am trying to process what has happened. Trying to accept what it is, but it doesnt seem real. I feel guilty for some of my feelings i have. I feel guilty for not being a good mom to my kids right now. I might have to do something "special" with them today. I just dont know what.
I am trying. I am trying to be the mother to my kids. All 10 of them. I am trying to make sense of what has happened. I am trying to be present with my 4 kids here. I am trying to not be such a burden on others. I am trying to decide, what I need to do, medically, for me. Trying to get things together, for my husbands birthday, my moms birthday, which are just a couple days away. I wish so desperately i was "normal". That i never joined this "club" and that my membership would stop being renewed. Once a grieving parent, always a grieving parent. So why all this renewal?