Sunday, November 20, 2011

Changing grief? Becoming immune?

It is amazing how different this has been since Alana was born. When Noah died, i was in a puddle everyday, all day. Since Alanas death, i have been doing pretty well. It has been 3 weeks today that she was born. I had been pregnant for 17 weeks. I guess i have not even begun to deal with all of this. Today i woke up in a funk. I thought about my Nana, as today would have been her birthday, and then thought about her celebrating her day in heaven with my 7 angels all around her. Then it hit me. I have been on ate verge of tears all day. But instead of crying, i cleaned. I was grumpy with everyone, and i know why. It is because this hurts like hell. Living my life without my babies is extremely painful! Sure, i do live my life. I am happy and find joy. But i ACHE to hold my babies. I miss them. The holidays are coming and they are not with me.

I also am a bit worried about the fact Alana's death seems to not effect me as much as my other babies. Is my grief changing? Am i afraid to let it all out? Am i becoming immune to the pain? Do i think on some sub-conscience level that this is no big deal? I will admit that the backlash i received for my grief has really forced me to feel like i must fake it till i make it. However, i do not even feel like i can be real to myself. Is this a problem?
I guess it comes down to this. Yes, i miss her. Yes, i love her as much as i love all my other kids. But i really feel like i a grieving the end of my fertility, as much, if not more, than the death of Alana. Tuesday i go for a presurgery consult for sterilization. While i KNOW this is my only option, it is hard. If you are one of those that is celebrating this decision, please do not celebrate in front of me. This is extremely hard. because it was not a choice i wanted to make. I didnt really have a say in this. This is not how i dreamed my life to be.
All in all, i know i will survive. i am a bit shocked at the delayed reaction of grief. I know i love all my kids, and everyone who thinks my kids dont count because they were "only" XX weeks, or they never lived outside of my womb, can keep their opinions to themselves. Losing my kids, and now my fertility will always be a huge part of my life, and will play a role in who I will become. I just need to become someone special, and help others, thru my pain.