Sunday, July 4, 2010


I am feeling sad and panicked tonight. It was such a good day, and then all of a sudden it changed. I heard something,that should be happy news for me to hear. and instead, it set me into a panic. Heart racing, short of breath, sick to my stomach. I found out my sister in law is pregnant. I am sooo happy for her. I mean, it is always great to learn your family is going to get larger. However, i also learned, she is due the same week I was. How am i going to be able to deal with this. I am terrified to see her, this thanksgiving. I was not supposed to be able to travel to Idaho this holiday season, and now, because my baby died, i can. She is moving back to Idaho, so she will be able to be there as well. She will be just 4 weeks away from delivery and i will be anticipating my would be due date.
I know jealousy is not a good Christian feeling. But that is how i feel. I do not want her baby to die, i dont want another baby in the world to die, but i am jealous, because my baby died. I am jealous, that i dont get to keep my baby. I am jealous that she will get to see her baby grow up, and i will wonder what could have been, for the rest of my life.
This is so hard, and so not fair. It seems everyone is pregnant, and i should be. I want to feel good again. I want to have hope. I want to feel joy. At this moment, all these feeling are eluding me.
It has only been about 2 weeks, and i know that is nothing, on the grief time line, i just wonder, when, or if, i will ever feel better.

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