Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Weekend of Discovery

I just spent 3 days in a safety net. A place where I was welcome to speak of my children that have died. A place where I was encouraged to speak of my children that have died. Three days of bonding with bereaved parents. Three days of getting to know the spirits of these children, that were taken from us too soon.
While there I learned a lot. I feel that the conference will be hugely beneficial to my journey. That I will one day know how to balance between my living children and my angels. I learned many ways to express my grief thru art. Writing, music, sculpting, painting... the list goes on.
I feel empowered. I feel like i CAN do this. I know i am not alone. I will work hard to change the way the world looks are grief. How the world looks at a mother who has experienced the worst pain possible. I will make sure my children make a difference in this world.
I visited with my friends and even made some new friends. I KNOW i am not alone. Sadly, i also learned how small this world is. I "met" someone I used to know, back from high school. How sad that he also experienced the death of his child.
I made some important decisions about my life while i was there. I made decisions about who my friends are, and who are not the friends i thought they were. I made the choice to start working on coming off of my medication. I never wanted to get medicated, but i really feel that I needed it. I am going to hopefully start private counseling, and maybe I will be off my meds and doing "ok" by the end of january. I also learned that i need to learn to forgive those that have hurt me. This is the hard part. Being hurt, when you are at your lowest, is a hard thing to forgive. But I know I can and will forgive. Forgetting will be the hardest part of that equation. Forgetting will come later. Maybe MUCH later.
I feel renewed. I will be ever indebted to a little girl, who has changed the lives of so many, thru her mother. Cheyenne. What an amazing child, who never took a breath. But she takes my breath away. Her mothers love is undying. Her mother has made it possible for so many to grieve their children in the open. Her mother is an amazing person, and though, we have had few conversations, i can say that I love her. She likely will never know how much she and Cheyenne have meant to be, over the past several years.
I am energized to work on my grief. To educate others. To A.T.T.E.N.D., to be with, and not do for. I am excited to start working on the new me. the new me will be amazing, if i am able to become half of who i would like to be.
I have many plans to touch the lives of others. I am in a place so different from where i was before the weekend. The MISS Foundation has changed my life.
I thank every single person that attended the conference. I was touched by the story of every child, mother, father, grandmother, and grandfather.
I now know, I CAN do hard things.

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