Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Time keeps on moving on. Sometimes i feel stuck, and others i feel I am making progress in my grief. Sometimes i feel like I am living in a dream world, or a movie. Others, I allow the pain to fully hit me, and I know it is real. My babies are dead.
Yesterday was a big day for me. Erik's 4th birthday. It was also the day that marked 4 months since Noah died. Because i never had a proper memorial for Erik, I decided to make his birthday special. I invited a few friends, and we planned a time for pizza and cake. It was a cloudy day, and I was worried it would rain on us, but right before the "party" the skies cleared and it was beautiful outside. I set the party to start at 530. The kids were eager to blow bubbles and play near the fountain. the adults set up chairs and blankets, and when the last guests arrived, we started to eat. I had bought a bunch of balloons for anyone to write on. I didnt read what anyone else wrote, but I wrote a goodbye to my son. I dont think i had ever really said goodbye to him. I told him how much i loved him. I told him how much i missed him, and how i wished things were different. How i wished he was sent to me, and i was able to keep him. I told him, I cannot wait, until we meet again. I decided to let the balloons to all go off together, all clipped and held tightly. My thoughts were, they would be able to get closer to heaven, and our messages would be easier received by our kids. Silly, i know.
Before we ate cake, i looks at the most beautiful sunset. It was like it was painted in the skies, just for me. I silently said a prayer of thanks for all the beauty in this world. I said a prayer of thanks for my friends, who came to show their love for me. It is amazing when i think that I would not have ever met any of these wonderful people, had it not been for the deaths of our children. I so wish i could have met them all under different circumstances.
After the cake was cut, and we started to eat, we were asked to move our cars outside the gates of the cemetery to they could lock up. We were given permission to hang out as long as we wanted, which was nice. It was so great how they respected us and our need to gather. Shortly after the cars were moved, the sprinklers came on. Everything got wet! It was crazy. Brought back the memory of gathering at anther cemetery just 2 months ago, for another angels birthday, and having the SAME THING happen.
I think there are some angels that have a sense of humor.
I really had a good time at the cemetery. I know, to many, that sounds odd, but i feel so comfortable there. I dont go often, but when i do, i feel peace. I am glad I was able to take some time to say goodbye to my second son. I miss Erik so much. His birth still has my quite traumatized, but I hope to heal from that soon. I will never wish that he never was. I love that he is my son, and my only regret comes from him not being with us longer. 18 short weeks. 18 weeks was plenty long for me to fall in love with my son. for me to bond with my son. I felt him move, I heard his heartbeat on a daily basis. I was happy for the months of throwing up, because that meant i was being blessed. He was my sunshine. My unexpected hope, after Brock died. I just wasnt lucky enough to get to raise him. Someday. SOmeday, my angels, I will raise you. I will hold you, and for the first time, look into your eyes. I will hear your voice. I will know your favorite color. Until then, time keeps marching on. I will continue to hold you in my heart, my mind, my thoughts. I will not forget. Until then, Goodbye my babies. Mommy will always miss you.

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