Tuesday, June 29, 2010

One Week

One week has passed, since i found out my sweet baby died. It seems like just yesterday, i was laying in my doctors office, panicking, and praying for a flickering light of a heartbeat. I remember looking at my doctors face, as he was trying to find one. He searched, for what seemed like an hour, but the baby was so still. At 14 weeks, they are normally dancing about. The stillness, was hard to look at. I new something had happened, I had a feeling, even 2 days before. But i thought it was just my anxieties. I was so hoping that Phil would have had the chance to hear his little baby's heartbeat that day. Instead, he got to sit there, panicked, with me, as we searched for life. I am so grateful he was there with me.
It has only been 4 days, since my D&C. I still look a little pregnant, and i hate that. All of the clothes i own, are maternity. Brand new ones at that. I decided I really wanted to go buy regular clothes last night. What a joke. I walked into the mall, and within minutes, i saw about 7 pregnant women, most of them young teens. I frantically looked for something that might fit, so i could go into a dressing room. As i put on a pair of pants, with buttons and a zipper, i started to cry. THis is not fair. I should be almost 4 months pregnant right now, and instead i am buying regular clothes. And what is worse is, no matter how hard i tried, i couldnt hide my belly. Everything made me look pregnant. Like my empty belly was slapping me in the face. My friend joined me at the mall, and we went on to several stores. I didnt have much success. It just doesnt seem right.
I am trying to keep busy. If i am busy, i dont fall apart. Yesterday i cleaned my house all day. I mopped, and did a ton of laundry, and today i feel the need to do more. I have to get this baby stuff out of my house. It taunts me. It makes me sad. I had been saving a few things, for the baby, and now my baby doesnt need them. The crib we bought, might wind up in my fireplace, if i cant find somewhere for it to go. I am trying to keep myself together, and trying to not mess with my kids heads, during my grief. I guess righ tnow, cleaning is the only thing i can manage to do to help.
Also, yesterday i tried 3 times to call my OB, to make my follow up appt. Why cant i pick up the phone and call? Why is it that big of a deal? I know i want to go in. I know i want to get the results of the testing that was done. I know i want to talk a couple things through with the doctor. But i think what is stopping me is the fact i will be sitting in an OB office, filled with pregnant women. Sometimes, that is too much to think about.
Today should be an interesting day. I had made plans weeks ago, with friends, to see the Twilight Saga. I thought about not going, then thought, i really need to go. I need to get out. I need to think about something else. I need to try to have fun. and i need to not feel guilty about it. I know it has only been a few days, and i know i am not moving on. I just need to have a good time, if i can. I am a little worried about getting too fatigued. I havent slept in a week, and i will be out really late. My body is very tired, from all the trauma it has gone through.
I am filled with sadness. My heart is broken. I am thinking of names, all the time, trying to find the perfect name, for my newest angel. I am sad to think about never having the joy of a sweet baby in my arms, again, and i am terrified at the thought of having to deal with this again. Losing a child, doesnt decrease the desire to have a child. It just makes the decision more complicated. I know people think i would be crazy, if i tried again. And they are probably right. Every time this has happened, i have worried about literally breaking. But my empty arms are aching. This is going to be a LONG end to a LONG year.

1 comment:

  1. Oh momma, I am so sorry! I saw your thing on the HC fourms. My heart goes out to you. I cant imagine sitting in church through a baby blessing after losing a child. I hope that you can find the comfort and solace that you need. It does not make a difference that you have 4 living children, you still need to grieve. I am sorry that people have made you feel that you should have other feelings. Keep looking to Christ. Find love in His Atonement. The Atonement was not just for those who have sinned, it is for those who have pain of any sort emotional and physical. I hope you can come to terms with your D&C. That must have been hard since the others you got to birth still. You made a tough decision and only you can know if it was the right one or not.