The nights are horrible. THe house is quiet and it is just me and my thoughts. Sometimes my thoughts get pretty dark. I am hurting so much, that i just want to run away. I feel like i am out of tears. I cannot believe that i am dealing with this heartache again. I feel as if, i am trying to prove myself as some supernatural being. NO one should ever have to go thru this. The death of one child is too much to bear. You will hear people say that it is without reason that a parent should have to bury a child. So what does it mean, when a parent has to bury 6 children? Why is it that my baby died, once i started having hope that all would be OK. How is it that the chance of a child dying, after 12 weeks of pregnancy is less than 1 percent, and i have been in that 1 percent 5 times now, with 6 babies? How is it that the doctors say there is nothing wrong with me???? How can there be nothing wrong? Why has my body failed all of these babies?
I know so many people have their opinions of me. So many tell me that i am so strong, and that they could never live if their child died. Are they implying that they love their children more than me? I mean, what choice do i have? I was literally close to death, after the birth of Erik, at 18 weeks. I was bleeding to death, before i had to have an emergency surgery. I remember thinking, on my way to surgery, i just wish i would die. That the pain is too much to live with. and i didnt. For some reason, i am left on this Earth to grieve. I grieve, because i love. I love my children, All 10 of them, with every ounce of my being. I do not love my living children more than my children that have died. Just like i dont love my oldest child, more than my youngest. A mothers love doesnt work that way.
I am nervous and scared for when i have to go back to church. I know everyone means well, but i have been hurt so much by the comments people have made in the past. I know the people are trying to help, or at least i like to think that, but some things really hurt. There has been a few of us at church lately, that have experienced this horrible kind of loss, and I feel for every one of us. I pray that they do not hear the comments i hear. I know people have strong opinions, because i have been thru this so many times. I have heard that it is my fault this happens, because i am such a "hippie" ( in not so many words) and those words have burned me for over 3 years. There is no good to come when people try to reason this kind of loss. There is no reason. What ever happened to, " I am so sorry your baby died, Please take all the time you need, and call if i can help you in any way."? That is it. Just leave it at that. Dont make comments when i am sobbing during a baby blessing. It is not that i am unhappy for the happy family, i am just unhappy that I will never get to hear a blessing on my own baby.
I guess, last night, i was thinking, that i have never felt more alone. I feel like i have spent all my grief tokens, and i am out of them. That people are done hearing it from me. That I should be some sort of pro at this. I was remembering when my twins, Rachel and Rebecca died, my phone rang non-stop. Everyone was telling me how sorry they were. The calls were less with Brock, then even less with Erik, and with Joe, and this one ( whom hasn't yet been named, but will soon) no one really calls. Now, i have had a few wonderful friends that have helped me. I am ever grateful for that. The meal I received was a great gift. The friends that watched my kids, so i could go and have my surgery, gave me a huge peace of mind that my kids were OK. I am not saying i have NO support. I am just saying, that i am totally broken, and i have never felt more alone. ( please do not make a comment that my feelings are invalid. No ones feelings are invalid, if they are really feeling them)