Tuesday, August 24, 2010

It has been a while since i posted. Life has been interesting. I just spent almost a week in the hospital, after being in a very minor car accident. Maybe it wasnt that Minor, but at the time it seemed so.
While in the hospital, I had a lot of time to think. I was thinking about relationships, and how certain relationships effect me, and my family. I think I am in the right, to decide to let go of certain relationships, proceed with caution for others, and work hard on others. Yes, i still feel hurt, that my dad has chosen to write me off, as a drama queen or something, but i shouldnt be surprised. He is who he is, and i will not be abused by him anymore. I will work on surrounding myself with people who love me.
Also, while i was in the hospital, i was faced with constant reminders that my baby is gone. Every test i had, i was asked if I was pregnant. I would have been 26 weeks. It was painful to say no. I was also faced with constant announcements of every birth that happened during my 6 days there. I will admit, it was painful. And on Wednesday night, when they welcomed baby Noah to the world, i had no choice but to cry.
It is so hard to think about not having another baby, though i honestly think it will be the way it is. It has been almost 2 months since my D and C, and I am still hurting. I loved my son, and i wanted him to join my family so badly. Now i am left with life choices. Maybe we can adopt, someday. Maybe not. I do have my hands full with my kids, but i wouldnt trade it for the world. All of my children, living or dead, are my life. I am a great mother. Being a mom is the best job in the world, and the most important. I just wish i was able to mother all of my kids, everyday, and i didnt have the holes in my heart, that were left when my babies died.

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