Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Erik's 5th birthday

today is Erik's 5th birthday. He was born in the early hours of October 25, 2006. his birth was traumatic and ended with me being in surgery for retained placenta, followed by weeks of iron infusions, and procrit injections.
I have been thinking today about the day he was born, and how traumatic is was. A couple years ago i couldn't even think about it without being in a heap, and it is comforting to know that i am dealing with the trauma of his birth so much better.
last night we had cake for Erik. I made a little cake with lots of love, and shared it with my family. Chocolate cake, white frosting and blue writing. I went to bed shortly after, and talked to him, as if he was there. I told him that i love him, and i wish he was here for me to spoil. I am sad that he is not with me anymore, but I hope he hears me, and i hope he is proud of how far his mom has come over the years.
I also normally do random acts of kindness for my kids birthdays. This year, i am doing an act of kindness for me. I am going out with a fellow bereaved mom, and we will sit and chat and just be. I know i should do something more, but it is just not in me right now. Right now, while i am preparing for the birth of our last child, our last angel, i need to be kind to myself. I need to take care of me, so today, my act of kindness is being kind to myself, which will in turn, help my children, and my husband. Maybe another day I will feel the need to bless the life of another, but today, i am selfishly keeping it to myself.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Alana Grace

We are about to have another angel. We found out on October 15, 2011 that our baby girl has died. Her death was confirmed on monday, oct 17. I am still in the phase of shock i guess. I have had moments of sadness and despair, but really it doesnt seem real. It seems like it is impossible that I have lost another baby. I no longer feel pregnant, though i still look as though i am 4-5 months along. Almost as if i am living in a dream, and maybe i was never really pregnant. Like it was all in my head, and i am not being forced to now say goodbye. however, i know what is coming. I know I will be saying goodbye to our little girl.

We have named all of our angels, because all of our angels, are in fact, our children. While driving home from dinner the other night, we stsrted talking names, and Phil mentioned Alana. I had never really heard the name but it had a beautiful ring in my ears. I googled the meaning of the name, and it means "precious". Precious she is. She is so loved and wanted, and now we are forced to say goodbye.

I am waiting for her birthday. I wish i knew when she will leave my body, and come into the world, but I dont know when it will happen. I keep thinking it is going to happen, and labor is about to begin, but then everything stops. I am feeling ready. I am ready to see her, to hold her.

Alana is my 7th baby to die in the second trimester. My 5th that had died, for no apparent reason. She is my 3rd daughter to die. Alana is my 11th child. She will always be a part of my family, and I am proud to claim her as mine. I wish she were alive, and that i never had to say goodbye, but that is not the case. Now i just pray for the strength to get thru this trial. The strength to stand, to cry, to breathe. The strength to honor her, and to make her proud of me.