Friday, July 23, 2010


I feel the need to write about my feelings on this subject, because i will be looking back at my blog, as i write my book. Also, maybe writing about it will help me put this part of my grief to rest. At least i can hope it will.

For the last week, i have had a major set back in my grief. Something happened that I am struggling to wrap my mind around, and this something has put me into a funk.
I have been attending a support group for several years. I love my group. The facilitators are amazing, and I feel so welcome among this group of bereaved parents. This group is my safe place. It is a place where my children existed. A place where people dont question my grief, because my children died before they were born. Over the years, i have made many friends, and i have come to love these people, and their children.
There was a woman that came to our group, shortly after the last conference. I learned last night, it was her therapist that actually brought her to the foundation. her story was a horrific one. She told us how she birthed 9 children, and 8 of them have passed away, as well as her husband. She told us how she experienced the whole gammot on how a child might die. From stillbirth, to car accident, to SIDS, to the 9-11 tragedy. When she spoke, my heart broke for her.
When i was pregnant with Diesel, i didnt attend any support group meetings, because of her. I was trying to be all "zen" during my pregnancy, and I was certain that this would not happen to be again, because I had lost 5 children before. After hearing her speak at group, about her 8 children, i was thinking "holy crap, this CAN happen to me again" so i stopped going. the thought of another child dying, the child I was pregnant with, was too much for me bare.
After Diesel was born, and i started coming back to the group, i would sit and think about this woman and her story. She seemed so strong. Like she survived this. I would think about how someday, maybe I will be like her, and be able to tell my story, without it cutting the way it does now. Afterall, this woman suffered so much, and she was still breathing. I was amazed. She gave me hope.
Last week, i learned it was ALL a lie. She LIED to us. She pretended to know our pain. She wanted to be one of us. I do not understand. why would anyone even pretend to know the pain of losing a child. This is the most horrific pain in the world. It is a pain that is so deep, that nothing can fix it. And she pretended to know. She would sit in a circle with us, as we shared parts of us, that we would never share amongst the "normals". The morbid thoughts that come with the death of a child. Some of our most private and personal thoughts, and emotions. She learned to play off of our emotions. Pulling at the heartstrings of many of the members. Likely taking things that were said during group, and using it to "gain", later, when talking to the group member.
I feel Angry, violated, and sad. I am angry because she did this. that she knows some of the most sacred parts of me, and the members of our group. That she used it for her own personal gain. I am violated that i shared my children with her, as a grieving mother, and she was lying. I am violated that i opened up in front of her, and now i feel she knows way too much about me and my children. I am sad. I am sad for me, because i put energy and thought into her, and the loss of her chidren, and i am sad for her. because she is so lonely, she felt she needed to make up this crazy story, so she would be accepted into some group.
There is so much more to this, going through my head. I am trying to process how she conned all of us, and why she would do it. However, after writing this incoherant post, i am hoping to put this to bed. To not spend another minute giving her attention. I need to work on my grief. I need to grieve for the connection i felt to her, but i need to grieve for my children even more. I am done with her. I want to not think about her anymore. Not another thought. I feel she got just what she was looking for. Attention. last night a room full of people talked for hours about her, I have been thinking about her for weeks. And now i am done. Time to move on. I will never understand why she did this, but I will do my best to move on and forget. I will offer my love and support to every other grieving person i come in contact with. But i will not feel sorry for her ever again.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

What is better?

I am feeling pretty lonely these days. I have some great friends who like to keep tabs on me, but the fact remains that so many people in my life seem unphased. Mostly, it is my family, that has seemed to ignore the fact that i just lost another baby. I know everyone knows, but i have not heard anything from the majority of my family.
So i wonder, is it better to feel alone and abandoned by people that are supposed to care the most? Is it better that i dont get an email, a text message, or a phone call, and that everyone pretends this didnt happen? Or is it better for me to receive a phone call, text or email, with someone expressing concern, but says totally the wrong thing?
My Mom tells me often that no one will talk to me, because no one knows what to say. I understand that, but what about just saying, " I am sorry your baby died" " i am sorry you are going thru this again" or simply " i dont know what to say"
I am already dreading the holidays. I am dreading family gatherings. I am dreading the lonliness that goes with holidays, when someone you love is missing. I am dreading people ignoring my pain. The pain that every mother feels, every minute of her life, if she is forced to bury her baby.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The News

After waiting for over a week, my doctors office finally called. The test results were in. i was shocked when the phone rang so early, even though I had been up for a couple hours. When i answered the call, it was Nicole, Dr H's Nurse on the other end. She told me that they were not avoiding me, and had not forgotten about me. Dr was just really busy, and my chart got buried on his desk.
I listened as she told me the test results were in. I cant remember details and i need to call and ask for a copy of the report. Anyway, she told me that there was a mutation of some sort, to the Y chromosome. There were only 46 chromosomes, but something was off. Then she went on to tell me that this alone would not have likely caused the death of my baby, but it is worth looking into. The lab suggested that Phil get tested for this Y chromosome thing. I then asked if the testing is the same as kareotyping, and she said it was. Since Phil already had that done, and there was no findings, i dont know what we will do.
I also asked if the baby was a boy, and she said yes. Our 5th son. Our 4th son that died in my womb. We decided that we would name our boy Noah Michael. Noah means Peace. Michael is an angel. So he is our peaceful angel.
Now i am trying to figure out where i go from here. I want so badly to have hope. I want so badly to think that someday, we might get blessed with another baby. But every minute that passes, every lonely, heartbreaking minute, i feel that my dreams are further away.
I didnt really know that i wanted another baby. Noah was a surprise to us. He was so loved though. I wanted him from the moment i found out he was on his way. And now. Now I am left totally heart broken. Longing for the baby that was taken from me. The blessing for our family. Our Christmas Miracle. Now, I grieve, for the death of my son. A loss, that so many act as if it is not a big deal. It was just a miscarriage. But to me. it was the death of a life that i loved. The death of dreams that i had. I am so sad that the people of the world, dont know what they are missing. Because my son, would have been amazing.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Not too much to say

I will just say, that some days, most days, suck. Today is one of those days. I keep trying, to work this out, i keep trying to understand, and make sense of all of this. I am trying to plan for the future. I have decisions to make, that i dont want to have to make right now. I should be about 18 weeks pregnant now, and instead I am having to decide what i will use for birth control, until i am ready to make even bigger decisions. Who would have thought that thinking about birth control could be so painful.
I am just hurting today. I miss my baby.

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Follow Up

this morning was my follow up appt with my doc. I felt OK this morning, but as i got closer to his office, my anxiety started creeping up on me. By the time I got there, my was in full panic mode. I really didnt want to walk into my OB office.
Well, after many many trips to this OB, i had never been there, when a baby was in the waiting room. Today i walked in, and there were 2. Great. I didnt want to look at them. I went and signed in, and then hid behind my hubby. I wanted to cry. Then 3 very pregnant bellies, came walking out, from the back. Again, another first. I must always be there when he is doing non OB stuff. but not today. After waiting about 15 minutes, the nurse, came out to tell me that he was just called to the hospital, for an emergency surgery. I guess some other doc messed something up, and he had to go fix it. I told he i didn't want to reschedule, but whatever had to happen. She said she would go assess the situation. She knew i wanted to see him, and didnt want to see his PA that i have never met. After a few minutes, he came to the door and called us back. He wanted a urine sample, but i didnt have to go. I didnt think i would need to give one. I guess he wanted another pregnancy test, to see if everything was back to normal.
We went to the room, the same room where we couldnt find a heart beat, 3 weeks ago tomorrow. he asked how i was doing, and i told him, physically i was OK> i described some symptoms i was having and he said there really is no normal but it sounded OK. Then i told him, emotionally, i am a mess. I started to cry, and he handed me tissues. I went on to tell him i cant figure this out, and i don't know why my babies keep dying. I told him i cant think, eat, or sleep. My daughter was burned while camping this weekend and i didn't even know how to help her, and i had to call my mom. It is a 3rd degree burn, and i didn't even know to think ice then hospital. I told him that i am really having bad panic attacks, and i have really dark thoughts. and i feel like i messed with my head, by having a d and c, even though i didn't want it.

He was very kind. He kind of told me, my chances of another baby were not good. Maybe 25-30% chance of a good outcome, and he seems to be recommending i get sterilized, but he told me to take my time, and wait to make sure i am ready.
He told me i have no reason to think i did anything wrong. That i should be proud of how i carried myself, thru the good times, and the bad, with each pregnancy, and never forgetting who i am, or what i believe. He said that while many people might frown upon my choices, to do things naturally, he said i should be able to look back and know i did what was right for me. He told me i should work on trying to quiet the arguing in my head ( how did he know that i was fighting with myself?) he told me that over time, one voice will quiet, and i will know what is right for me and my family, if it is to be "done" or if we decide to try again. he was very supportive.
He offered to do some more testing on me as well. he said there is something "wrong" with me, but they haven't figured it out yet. and possibly never will. He said there is so much that can go wrong with pregnancy, and they have only just started figuring stuff out.
He went on to tell me the testing on the baby is not complete, but the nurse called to check, and they will have the results bu the end of today, so he will likely call me tomorrow. It has been 2 and a half weeks, and i am hoping this isn't a sign that they were not able to complete testing. I was hoping maybe for an answer, but most of all, to know, without a doubt, the gender of my baby. I want to know if we have a Mira or a Noah.
I asked for drugs and while he was reluctant, and reminded me, that grief needs to be worked on, and there was no magic pill, ( would be nice if there was huh?) he prescribed me Zoloft. He said he doesn't know that much about those types of drugs, and he doesn't know if it will work or not. I would be happy to be knocked out for 6 months, until my due date, and all the freaking December babies are born. We will see. I have battled depression before, and have had PPD with 2 of my children. I feel myself getting to a bad place, and while i don't believe in drugs, i don't know how else i can go on. He gave me 4 months worth.

He really wanted a pregnancy test, to see if my hormones are back to normal, and i couldn't pee, so i will head to the dollar store tonight, so i can tell him tomorrow. I really don't want to look at a negative test, but i feel like i should make sure that they got everything out.

He told me, anytime i want to talk about this, he is open for me to make an appt and go in and talk. He wasn't rushing me at all, but he HAD to get to an emergency at the hospital, and he was very apologetic. I think he was very sincere.

he left a script at the desk, told me to call if i need anything, and told me he will be in touch soon.

After the appt, my hubby and i sat in our car for about 30 min talking about all we talked about in there. It was hard. It feels raw again. He told me he doesn't want to get "fixed" and he doesn't want me to either, right now. he feels we will regret it. I agree. He told me that he does want more kids, but he doesn't want to go thru this again. He doesn't want ME to go thru this again. I feel lost, and he knows it.

I don't know what to do or think today, but i am trying to keep it together. The appt took a lot out of me.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Held by Natalie Grant

Song Lyrics for the song i just posted.

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
We'd be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This is what it means to be held.....

This Is How It Feels

getting away

after experiencing an emotional blow, this weekend, with the news of a baby due, 3 days after i was due, and learning i will have to face this person, this holiday season, and stare at her belly for 4 days, it has come to me that i need to get away, NOW. I am struggling just to breathe. I have been in constant panic, since sunday. I need to relax before i go to the doctor on monday. I need to spend time away from TV and Computers, and people who just dont get it. I need to run, far away. However, i also know that i cant run forever. though it would be nice.

I am trying to plan a camping trip for my family. It is stressful how much work goes into a camping trip, but I know it will be a nice and peaceful time while i am away.

I am so filled with emotions these days. Today someone from church stopped by, and it was so nice to have a surprise visitor. She is so compassionate, and i am so glad that she has the calling she has. I dont think she will know, what her visit meant to me. It was nice to visit with a sincere soul, who was not trying to rush me over this. I cried a little while she was here, and a lot after she was gone. Her visit really just touched me. I guess, it was the first time, in about 2 weeks, i didnt feel alone.
Now i am left to decide if i go to church tonight or not. I really want to take the enrichment classes that are offered tonight, but i dont want to talk to anyone. My plan, if i do go, is to walk in 15 min late, and cut out 15 min early. That way i can learn, but i dont have to talk. I dont want to talk, and i dont want my presence at church to be seen as i am "over it".

I really need to get away. I hope this happens for me.

Sunday, July 4, 2010


I am feeling sad and panicked tonight. It was such a good day, and then all of a sudden it changed. I heard something,that should be happy news for me to hear. and instead, it set me into a panic. Heart racing, short of breath, sick to my stomach. I found out my sister in law is pregnant. I am sooo happy for her. I mean, it is always great to learn your family is going to get larger. However, i also learned, she is due the same week I was. How am i going to be able to deal with this. I am terrified to see her, this thanksgiving. I was not supposed to be able to travel to Idaho this holiday season, and now, because my baby died, i can. She is moving back to Idaho, so she will be able to be there as well. She will be just 4 weeks away from delivery and i will be anticipating my would be due date.
I know jealousy is not a good Christian feeling. But that is how i feel. I do not want her baby to die, i dont want another baby in the world to die, but i am jealous, because my baby died. I am jealous, that i dont get to keep my baby. I am jealous that she will get to see her baby grow up, and i will wonder what could have been, for the rest of my life.
This is so hard, and so not fair. It seems everyone is pregnant, and i should be. I want to feel good again. I want to have hope. I want to feel joy. At this moment, all these feeling are eluding me.
It has only been about 2 weeks, and i know that is nothing, on the grief time line, i just wonder, when, or if, i will ever feel better.

I'll hold you in heaven

I'll Hold You in Heaven

From the very beginning I loved you,
As I made plans to hold you and rock you:
You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,
But something went wrong and soon you were gone;
My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain,
I'd never known such heartache and pain.

I wonder who you look like, me or your dad,
Do you have my smile and his eyes?
Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?
We had dreams for you that reached to the skies.
It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,
Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven.

I'll hold you in heaven someday,
When my trials on earth pass away;
The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you,
I know you're waiting for me;
I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",
But I'll hold you in heaven someday.

(c) 1998 Jo Ann Taylor All Rights Reserved


I am trying so hard to start healing from all the trauma i have gone through. I am trying to heal in a way i have never tried before. I am writing. I am writing the stories of each of my children. I want to write about my full journey of motherhood. Including the hope, and the despair. It has been such a roller coaster for us, and I am struggling so much with the ride. I am trying to understand, as much as it is possible, what has happened. I feel like a freak. A freak that has all these dead babies. A freak that still has hope, that maybe one day, i will hold a tiny living baby again. Even though, my mind knows, it is highly unlikely. I am struggling with the decisions i have to make. I am glad i dont have to make any right now. I am looking forward to going to the doctor in a week. I hope he can provide me with answers. I know he will highly suggest that we never try again, and that we close up shop, and i know that hearing those words will hurt. It is so hard to give up the dream. I always wanted a large family. I know, many people think that 4 kids is a large family, but i dont think so. Especially when i have 6 holes in my heart. I know the holes will never be filled, even if i had 100 kids. I am not trying to fill the holes. The holes are part of who i am, and who i will be. I just wished so much, that my child bearing years could have ended in happiness, and not in grief. I guess that is the biggest struggle. The reality, that i have more than likely had my last baby. And i didnt get to birth my last baby. and my last baby was dead.
I hope that i can help others, in some way. I hope that i can have the strength to go on, even when i want to die. I hope that i can turn my babies deaths, into hope and strength for other. I hope that they will continue to matter, even in their death. I know they will always be a part of my family, and i know I will always miss them. It will be so wonderful if someday, their lives, will touch others, the way they have touched me, and that they too, will be recognized as more than just a miscarriage, or stillbirth, but as my children.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Slipped Away - Avril Lavigne (lyrics)

Piece of my Heart
How was it to be that I now am robbed of such joy?
Of watching you grow or finding out if you’re a girl or boy.
Never did I get to hear your cries or even see your tears,
Or kiss your little brow and hug away your fears.

I am just left here now with pain and few memories,
Of the days that were happy with you inside of me.
For you were loved and wanted oh so much,
What I would give just to have felt your touch.

The hours crawl by yet the time does not seem to slow,
I want to scream out to the world you are gone, why don’t they know?
How is the world still turning when I feel it should have stopped?
Why are people laughing and living when it feels like I can not?

Not enough tears can be shed to express the love we have for you,
No words can describe what we all wanted to be able to do.
I would have just held you and breathed in your sweet smell,
Shouted with joy and phoned all the people we wanted to tell.

But this time we called loved ones with the sad sad news,
That too little were you to live among us and we were meant to lose.
But nothing will ever erase those fourteen weeks we had together,
For a piece of my heart you now hold always and forever.
~Kerri-Anne Hinds


Last night, we decided on names for the baby. It feels more real, now that there is a boy and a girl name, and instead of saying the baby, i can say the names instead. I am really happy with the names, and the meaning of the names. They seem perfect. On July 12, we will go in, and meet with our doctor, and find out, for sure, if baby was a boy or girl.
I am hoping to find some more peace, with the appointment. I am hoping to have definite answers, as to why the baby died. I am hoping to get some help with my feelings of utter despair. I am walking around in a fog, and i am struggling to do everything i need to do. I feel pressured to put on a happy face. There is just so much going on in the world, my world, and I cant comprehend it all. It has only been about a week, though at times it seems like a year. And at times, it seems like just yesterday, i was feeling the baby move, within my womb.
I am hoping, when we finally know, and we can call baby by name, i might start to heal. For now, i am just sad, empty and confused.

Friday, July 2, 2010


Last night, i decided to heavily drug myself, in order to sleep. It worked. I went to bed around 11, and was still in bed at 9. I had some nightmares, and woke up soaking wet from sweat a few times, but at least i slept.
Today marks one week since my "procedure". seems surreal. Physically there is no sign of a pregnancy. I am done with my physical recovery. Emotionally there is a long way to go. I have a huge internal struggle, about what I need to do for my future. I know, That i want something good, to come from all these losses. Which is why i am recording, so many feelings. I know i want to look thru my journals, and my letters, i have written to my children. I know i want to find a way to help others. I feel compelled to compile, years of thoughts, tears, hopes, and fears, into a book, so i can share what i can gone thru with so many people. I am hoping this journey will be a positive one for me. I already know it will be emotional. I guess, i just feel, that for so many years, i have looked for information, and support for second trimster miscarriage, and stillbirth. There is so much information out there for early miscarriage, and a ton of information for late term stillbirth, but for those of us, that fall in between, there is not much out there. I have lost babies, both in the early first trimester, as well as mid, second trimester. Both are painful. Yet they are different. I hope, to help others, just like me. I have been a bereaved mother for many many years. Now i want to share my story, my journey with others. I know I am not alone, and I hope to help others know, they are not alone either.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I am trying

Another night without sleep. How long can this really go on? I am getting to the point i am afraid to drive or do other things, because i feel so out of it. I am exhausted. I am trying to process what has happened. Trying to accept what it is, but it doesnt seem real. I feel guilty for some of my feelings i have. I feel guilty for not being a good mom to my kids right now. I might have to do something "special" with them today. I just dont know what.
I am trying. I am trying to be the mother to my kids. All 10 of them. I am trying to make sense of what has happened. I am trying to be present with my 4 kids here. I am trying to not be such a burden on others. I am trying to decide, what I need to do, medically, for me. Trying to get things together, for my husbands birthday, my moms birthday, which are just a couple days away. I wish so desperately i was "normal". That i never joined this "club" and that my membership would stop being renewed. Once a grieving parent, always a grieving parent. So why all this renewal?

Sanctus real - I'm not alright (with lyrics)