December

December is finally here. The dreaded month. The month i would have been ready to pop. Instead, I am just me, not "with child". Not blessed with a due date of Christmas Day, any longer. Searching for peace. I am so wanting to find peace.

When you are missing someone you love so much, the holidays are hard. There is no way around it. Really, Christmas has not been "the same" since Rachel and Rebecca died, 11 years ago. While i never had a Christmas with them, I still feel the emptiness so much on holidays like Christmas. It changed again when my grandfather died, and again when my grandmother died. it has changed with the loss of Brock, Erik, Joe, and now, Noah. Just a lot of thinking about what it would be like. What would they ask for. Would they be all into Santa, or scared to death? So many questions I will never have the answer to. However, i work hard, each year, to make Christmas special, and not just for my kids, but for me too. I dont feel hopeless and miserable all year long, so why would i want to make a holiday hopeless and miserable? Sure, there are moments of sadness, and i am gearing up now. I am taking the time to recognize what I am feeling and and allowing myself to do what I need to do to get thru each moment.

Today was tree trimming, house decorating and gearing up to get ready for all that is to come this month. I decided to let my girls decorate the tree by themselves, and while it is not perfect, i am finding joy in their pride. I also decided not to put all my angel ornaments on the tree. I am hoping to get a small tree to display all my angels. My angel ornaments had begun to take over the tree, and I feel it is time for a change. At this moment, i am not sure how i feel about it all.

Today has been emotional. But I will be OK. I will find the balance. I will learn to parent ALL of my kids, in the best way I can. I know my moments of happiness will continue to increase. I know my pain will dull, even if it is just a little. I know I can do hard things. I can do this. I will be mindful of my needs, but I will push myself.

In January I will start steadily working on becoming. Become who i need to be, become who i truly am. I am so much more than people see. I am a good person, and the people that choose to only see my hard times, will be eliminated from my life. I will surround myself with the positive. However, do not mistake that for forgetting. I will never Forget. My love will go on until forever, i will always feel the ache, I will never "get over it" or be "better". I am a bereaved mother that has decided not to just survive, but to become.