The Follow Up

this morning was my follow up appt with my doc. I felt OK this morning, but as i got closer to his office, my anxiety started creeping up on me. By the time I got there, my was in full panic mode. I really didnt want to walk into my OB office.
Well, after many many trips to this OB, i had never been there, when a baby was in the waiting room. Today i walked in, and there were 2. Great. I didnt want to look at them. I went and signed in, and then hid behind my hubby. I wanted to cry. Then 3 very pregnant bellies, came walking out, from the back. Again, another first. I must always be there when he is doing non OB stuff. but not today. After waiting about 15 minutes, the nurse, came out to tell me that he was just called to the hospital, for an emergency surgery. I guess some other doc messed something up, and he had to go fix it. I told he i didn't want to reschedule, but whatever had to happen. She said she would go assess the situation. She knew i wanted to see him, and didnt want to see his PA that i have never met. After a few minutes, he came to the door and called us back. He wanted a urine sample, but i didnt have to go. I didnt think i would need to give one. I guess he wanted another pregnancy test, to see if everything was back to normal.
We went to the room, the same room where we couldnt find a heart beat, 3 weeks ago tomorrow. he asked how i was doing, and i told him, physically i was OK> i described some symptoms i was having and he said there really is no normal but it sounded OK. Then i told him, emotionally, i am a mess. I started to cry, and he handed me tissues. I went on to tell him i cant figure this out, and i don't know why my babies keep dying. I told him i cant think, eat, or sleep. My daughter was burned while camping this weekend and i didn't even know how to help her, and i had to call my mom. It is a 3rd degree burn, and i didn't even know to think ice then hospital. I told him that i am really having bad panic attacks, and i have really dark thoughts. and i feel like i messed with my head, by having a d and c, even though i didn't want it.

He was very kind. He kind of told me, my chances of another baby were not good. Maybe 25-30% chance of a good outcome, and he seems to be recommending i get sterilized, but he told me to take my time, and wait to make sure i am ready.
He told me i have no reason to think i did anything wrong. That i should be proud of how i carried myself, thru the good times, and the bad, with each pregnancy, and never forgetting who i am, or what i believe. He said that while many people might frown upon my choices, to do things naturally, he said i should be able to look back and know i did what was right for me. He told me i should work on trying to quiet the arguing in my head ( how did he know that i was fighting with myself?) he told me that over time, one voice will quiet, and i will know what is right for me and my family, if it is to be "done" or if we decide to try again. he was very supportive.
He offered to do some more testing on me as well. he said there is something "wrong" with me, but they haven't figured it out yet. and possibly never will. He said there is so much that can go wrong with pregnancy, and they have only just started figuring stuff out.
He went on to tell me the testing on the baby is not complete, but the nurse called to check, and they will have the results bu the end of today, so he will likely call me tomorrow. It has been 2 and a half weeks, and i am hoping this isn't a sign that they were not able to complete testing. I was hoping maybe for an answer, but most of all, to know, without a doubt, the gender of my baby. I want to know if we have a Mira or a Noah.
I asked for drugs and while he was reluctant, and reminded me, that grief needs to be worked on, and there was no magic pill, ( would be nice if there was huh?) he prescribed me Zoloft. He said he doesn't know that much about those types of drugs, and he doesn't know if it will work or not. I would be happy to be knocked out for 6 months, until my due date, and all the freaking December babies are born. We will see. I have battled depression before, and have had PPD with 2 of my children. I feel myself getting to a bad place, and while i don't believe in drugs, i don't know how else i can go on. He gave me 4 months worth.

He really wanted a pregnancy test, to see if my hormones are back to normal, and i couldn't pee, so i will head to the dollar store tonight, so i can tell him tomorrow. I really don't want to look at a negative test, but i feel like i should make sure that they got everything out.

He told me, anytime i want to talk about this, he is open for me to make an appt and go in and talk. He wasn't rushing me at all, but he HAD to get to an emergency at the hospital, and he was very apologetic. I think he was very sincere.

he left a script at the desk, told me to call if i need anything, and told me he will be in touch soon.

After the appt, my hubby and i sat in our car for about 30 min talking about all we talked about in there. It was hard. It feels raw again. He told me he doesn't want to get "fixed" and he doesn't want me to either, right now. he feels we will regret it. I agree. He told me that he does want more kids, but he doesn't want to go thru this again. He doesn't want ME to go thru this again. I feel lost, and he knows it.

I don't know what to do or think today, but i am trying to keep it together. The appt took a lot out of me.