Wednesday, February 23, 2011

So long

I know it has been so long since i have written anything on my blog. It is not because I have nothing to write, in fact, there is always a lot I can write.
I have been struggling with writing anything, because it seems my words are so easily judged, and twisted by certain people, and then recreated to mean what they want them to mean.

I am guessing that some of my biggest "fans" are no longer reading this blog, because they have decided that I am a horrible person. That is OK with me. I have come a long way in the few months, since my family decided that I am no longer a member. That is right. My dads entire family, with the exception of a couple, ( meaning 2 or 3) people, told me i am no longer welcome. Why am I no longer welcome? Well, you see, while I was dealing with the emotional aftermath of Noahs death, I made some comments stating that some family members were not being supportive at all, and i was feeling pretty alone. I never mentioned which family, and the truth is, I have 3 sides to my family. I have moms side, adopted dads side, and bio dads side. Apparently, what i was saying, hit home to part of my family, even though no names were mentioned, and I was told i am self centered and unwelcome.
I was also told that it is "sick" that i consider my losses, to be the death of a child. I dont know what else I could have considered them to be, but I was apparently wrong in this. Also that "normal" people do not grieve over a miscarriage. I always knew I was not normal. so that was OK with me. I dont want to be normal, if that means being heartless, and unloving.

I thought i would take some time to write down some of my thoughts.
First of all. Receiving an email, on my way to visit my husbands family for thanksgiving, explaining that basically I am no longer a member of the family was not easy. I was, and still am, a bit heartbroken. I mean, i was not shocked. Aside from a couple very important people in my life, this family never seemed to welcome me with open arms. I had felt like an outsider, as long as i could remember, as far back as early childhood. I always felt like i had to work extra hard, to earn some form of acceptance from this family, and my feeling was that because i was not a blood relative, i didnt count as much.
The email i received, from my cousin, was full of hate, and lies. It brought to my attention that certain people have been talking about me, in ways that are not true. Stories being told that no one has reason to tell. Made up stories. Stories, that if someone had taken the time to ask me about it, i would have been able to say what was really going on, or to say, I have no idea what people are talking about, but instead, people, adults, family member, and "Christians" are talking about me, behind my back. Yes, It hurt.
Now, i know i have written before, about some hurtful words my dad said to me. No need to go into detail again. Well, i had been working on forgiving him for hurting me. I decided it was time, and i wrote him a letter. Telling him i Forgive him, that I love him, and that i am sorry he feels the way he does about me. I was telling him of my wonderful kids, and how i know i am blessed to be given 4 amazing kids to raise here on Earth, but I do still hurt for my 6 children that have died. I also asked that he not respond in anger, if he does choose to respond, because, as we know, once words are spoken, they cannot be unsaid. To date, I have not heard from him. It was bout 24 hours after I wrote that letter, that my family members unfriended me on facebook. OK. I kind of thought it was funny.
I made a comment about it. Then i get this nasty email from my cousin. Since she decided to pass the email on to the entire family, i figure she wouldnt mind if i shared. So i still have it. I havent shared it beyond a couple people I really trust. However, i have nothing to hide. She also made it so I am unable to respond. This is after stating in the letter something about smart people discuss issues like this. ( but dont even try to reply, because I am too immature to work this out)


So here is the thing. I will just say it. It HURTS that i dont have a dad anymore. The rest of the family, whatever... but why did he ever adopt me, just to walk away when he disagrees with my adult choices? We are not talking drugs, alcohol, or killing people. We are talking about choices, that are between me, my husband, and my God. To have more kids, or to not have more kids. I cannot imagine knowing my child is going thru the hardest time in her life, and instead of trying to be there, and support, I walk away, and allow the rest of my family to attack the child. ( even if child is now an adult).
I also think that every girl, is a daddy's girl. They want nothing more than to be loved by their dad, and yet, i have 2 dads, and neither of them want anything to do with me. I ask myself often what have i dont wrong. I guess it is not punishment, but how does a child not feel punished when a parent wants nothing to do with them?

So, I am trying to work all this out. I have been working this out for 3 months, and yet I have no answers. Of Course there is always, the simple answer of, who cares what they think? But for some reason, i care. I really do care what the people i love think about me.
Maybe a little paranoia is setting in. Unanswered texts messages, no return phone calls, and no emails, from people I love and miss, and wonder, have they joined the rest of the family? People who i thought were supportive and loving to me, no longer want to communicate. Am i one or 2 people from losing half of my what I know to be family?

I wish i was not consumed with these thoughts. It is not like i sit and think about it all the time, but i guess i think about it often enough.

I will end this long, rambling, post, by saying, i am grateful for every family member I have. I am grateful for my friends that have become my family. I do love every family member, blood or not, and it doesnt matter how they feel t about me. I am never quick to cut ties to anyone who held any important part in my life. Even those who no longer care, and hold issue with me, teach important lessons. Today, the lesson is to be even more grateful for the ones in my life i can lean on, when having a hard time.