today is Erik's 5th birthday. He was born in the early hours of October 25, 2006. his birth was traumatic and ended with me being in surgery for retained placenta, followed by weeks of iron infusions, and procrit injections.
I have been thinking today about the day he was born, and how traumatic is was. A couple years ago i couldn't even think about it without being in a heap, and it is comforting to know that i am dealing with the trauma of his birth so much better.
last night we had cake for Erik. I made a little cake with lots of love, and shared it with my family. Chocolate cake, white frosting and blue writing. I went to bed shortly after, and talked to him, as if he was there. I told him that i love him, and i wish he was here for me to spoil. I am sad that he is not with me anymore, but I hope he hears me, and i hope he is proud of how far his mom has come over the years.
I also normally do random acts of kindness for my kids birthdays. This year, i am doing an act of kindness for me. I am going out with a fellow bereaved mom, and we will sit and chat and just be. I know i should do something more, but it is just not in me right now. Right now, while i am preparing for the birth of our last child, our last angel, i need to be kind to myself. I need to take care of me, so today, my act of kindness is being kind to myself, which will in turn, help my children, and my husband. Maybe another day I will feel the need to bless the life of another, but today, i am selfishly keeping it to myself.