I am constantly amazed how days can go by, and I am doing pretty well "dealing" with everything, then i get knocked on my butt again.
Often times it is the reminder I need to refocus my energies. To spend more time, quality time, with my 4 little amazing blessings. I feel as though i am constantly trying to balance between 2 worlds. I am trying to parent all of my kids, both living and dead. Sometimes the best balance is hard to find. This "balancing" subject is often on my mind. I never feel as though I am doing enough. Never enough for my living kids, and never enough for my angels. Many will say there is nothing to do for my angels. Afterall, they are in an amazing place, being watched over and cared for by Heavenly Father, and all our family that has passed away. But they are my kids, and i continue to strive to parent them.
I am also working on finding peace. peace with relationships, peace with the events of my life, and realizing I didnt do anything to deserve what has happened to me. Peace with myself. Hmmm. Peace with myself. Why do i feel this will be the hardest to attain? My logical mind knows my body did not kill my babies, yet I am fighting with myself daily with a hate for my body. Peace is going to be very hard to find.
Today has been a strange day. Meeting someone new. Someone that i learned is a bereaved parent. Someone that brought up feelings I never expected. While it was awkward, now that i am hours past the meeting, i can see how this has given me some food for thought.
Now that i have this information, what will I do with it? Quite possibly, nothing. I mean, what can i do with it. But, my hope is, it will allow me to see things in a way i never thought possible, and maybe it will help me gain some understanding.
Tonight, i feel a little sad. Missing my babies. Wishing they were here. Wondering how delightfully hectic my life would be, homeschooling 10 kids! However, I know i am so incredibly blessed to have 4 amazing kids here, that i get to hug and kiss everyday. I am able to help them achieve their goals, I dream of their future, and know that i am raising amazing, compassionate kids.
Tonight, as i get ready for sleep. I will work on breathing. In, and out. I will say a prayer asking for help. I will kiss my 4 kids goodnight, and whisper goodnight to my angels. Tomorrow will be better.