5 Years

Five years ago today, I gave birth to my first son. Brock Edward was born at home. He had died a few weeks prior. 3 weeks and 6 days, to be exact. I allowed him to come on his own schedule. I did not want to force him into the world, and I, selfishly, wanted more time with him. I was not ready to say goodbye. He was born around 7 am, after 1.5 hours of labor, very intense labor. He was so perfect, and beautiful, and small. I laid with him, in my bed for over an hour, memorizing everything about him. It was not until the mortuary came, to get him, that I broke down. I was not ready to say goodbye.

The next few days of funeral planning were a blur. I was blessed to go to a MISS conference just about 2 weeks after his birth. Spending a few days learning tools to care for my self, and to help me along on my grief journey. I am grateful I went.
Along the journey of the last 5 years I have learned a lot. I have learned about myself, my relationships, and my family. I have learned who is there when they are needed, and who walks, when times are tough. I have learned that I can honor my children, everyday. I have learned that I will never forget, and that i dont want to forget. I have learned that I am blessed, because I was chosen to be the mother for 6 children, that have died, and I am blessed that i had every one of them in my life.
Today, i am missing Brock, thinking about the the time i had with him, the dreams we had for him, and thinking about the day, that I will see him again. Today, i will serve others, in his memory, I will bake a cake and sing happy birthday, at the cemetery, and I will buy him a birthday gift. He is my child, he always will be, and even though we have said goodbye, he is not really gone. he lives thru me.
Missing you Brock. Happy Brithday