So long

I know it has been so long since i have written anything on my blog. It is not because I have nothing to write, in fact, there is always a lot I can write.
I have been struggling with writing anything, because it seems my words are so easily judged, and twisted by certain people, and then recreated to mean what they want them to mean.

I am guessing that some of my biggest "fans" are no longer reading this blog, because they have decided that I am a horrible person. That is OK with me. I have come a long way in the few months, since my family decided that I am no longer a member. That is right. My dads entire family, with the exception of a couple, ( meaning 2 or 3) people, told me i am no longer welcome. Why am I no longer welcome? Well, you see, while I was dealing with the emotional aftermath of Noahs death, I made some comments stating that some family members were not being supportive at all, and i was feeling pretty alone. I never mentioned which family, and the truth is, I have 3 sides to my family. I have moms side, adopted dads side, and bio dads side. Apparently, what i was saying, hit home to part of my family, even though no names were mentioned, and I was told i am self centered and unwelcome.
I was also told that it is "sick" that i consider my losses, to be the death of a child. I dont know what else I could have considered them to be, but I was apparently wrong in this. Also that "normal" people do not grieve over a miscarriage. I always knew I was not normal. so that was OK with me. I dont want to be normal, if that means being heartless, and unloving.

I thought i would take some time to write down some of my thoughts.
First of all. Receiving an email, on my way to visit my husbands family for thanksgiving, explaining that basically I am no longer a member of the family was not easy. I was, and still am, a bit heartbroken. I mean, i was not shocked. Aside from a couple very important people in my life, this family never seemed to welcome me with open arms. I had felt like an outsider, as long as i could remember, as far back as early childhood. I always felt like i had to work extra hard, to earn some form of acceptance from this family, and my feeling was that because i was not a blood relative, i didnt count as much.
The email i received, from my cousin, was full of hate, and lies. It brought to my attention that certain people have been talking about me, in ways that are not true. Stories being told that no one has reason to tell. Made up stories. Stories, that if someone had taken the time to ask me about it, i would have been able to say what was really going on, or to say, I have no idea what people are talking about, but instead, people, adults, family member, and "Christians" are talking about me, behind my back. Yes, It hurt.
Now, i know i have written before, about some hurtful words my dad said to me. No need to go into detail again. Well, i had been working on forgiving him for hurting me. I decided it was time, and i wrote him a letter. Telling him i Forgive him, that I love him, and that i am sorry he feels the way he does about me. I was telling him of my wonderful kids, and how i know i am blessed to be given 4 amazing kids to raise here on Earth, but I do still hurt for my 6 children that have died. I also asked that he not respond in anger, if he does choose to respond, because, as we know, once words are spoken, they cannot be unsaid. To date, I have not heard from him. It was bout 24 hours after I wrote that letter, that my family members unfriended me on facebook. OK. I kind of thought it was funny.
I made a comment about it. Then i get this nasty email from my cousin. Since she decided to pass the email on to the entire family, i figure she wouldnt mind if i shared. So i still have it. I havent shared it beyond a couple people I really trust. However, i have nothing to hide. She also made it so I am unable to respond. This is after stating in the letter something about smart people discuss issues like this. ( but dont even try to reply, because I am too immature to work this out)

Rambling.

So here is the thing. I will just say it. It HURTS that i dont have a dad anymore. The rest of the family, whatever... but why did he ever adopt me, just to walk away when he disagrees with my adult choices? We are not talking drugs, alcohol, or killing people. We are talking about choices, that are between me, my husband, and my God. To have more kids, or to not have more kids. I cannot imagine knowing my child is going thru the hardest time in her life, and instead of trying to be there, and support, I walk away, and allow the rest of my family to attack the child. ( even if child is now an adult).
I also think that every girl, is a daddy's girl. They want nothing more than to be loved by their dad, and yet, i have 2 dads, and neither of them want anything to do with me. I ask myself often what have i dont wrong. I guess it is not punishment, but how does a child not feel punished when a parent wants nothing to do with them?

So, I am trying to work all this out. I have been working this out for 3 months, and yet I have no answers. Of Course there is always, the simple answer of, who cares what they think? But for some reason, i care. I really do care what the people i love think about me.
Maybe a little paranoia is setting in. Unanswered texts messages, no return phone calls, and no emails, from people I love and miss, and wonder, have they joined the rest of the family? People who i thought were supportive and loving to me, no longer want to communicate. Am i one or 2 people from losing half of my what I know to be family?

I wish i was not consumed with these thoughts. It is not like i sit and think about it all the time, but i guess i think about it often enough.

I will end this long, rambling, post, by saying, i am grateful for every family member I have. I am grateful for my friends that have become my family. I do love every family member, blood or not, and it doesnt matter how they feel t about me. I am never quick to cut ties to anyone who held any important part in my life. Even those who no longer care, and hold issue with me, teach important lessons. Today, the lesson is to be even more grateful for the ones in my life i can lean on, when having a hard time.

December

December is finally here. The dreaded month. The month i would have been ready to pop. Instead, I am just me, not "with child". Not blessed with a due date of Christmas Day, any longer. Searching for peace. I am so wanting to find peace.

When you are missing someone you love so much, the holidays are hard. There is no way around it. Really, Christmas has not been "the same" since Rachel and Rebecca died, 11 years ago. While i never had a Christmas with them, I still feel the emptiness so much on holidays like Christmas. It changed again when my grandfather died, and again when my grandmother died. it has changed with the loss of Brock, Erik, Joe, and now, Noah. Just a lot of thinking about what it would be like. What would they ask for. Would they be all into Santa, or scared to death? So many questions I will never have the answer to. However, i work hard, each year, to make Christmas special, and not just for my kids, but for me too. I dont feel hopeless and miserable all year long, so why would i want to make a holiday hopeless and miserable? Sure, there are moments of sadness, and i am gearing up now. I am taking the time to recognize what I am feeling and and allowing myself to do what I need to do to get thru each moment.

Today was tree trimming, house decorating and gearing up to get ready for all that is to come this month. I decided to let my girls decorate the tree by themselves, and while it is not perfect, i am finding joy in their pride. I also decided not to put all my angel ornaments on the tree. I am hoping to get a small tree to display all my angels. My angel ornaments had begun to take over the tree, and I feel it is time for a change. At this moment, i am not sure how i feel about it all.

Today has been emotional. But I will be OK. I will find the balance. I will learn to parent ALL of my kids, in the best way I can. I know my moments of happiness will continue to increase. I know my pain will dull, even if it is just a little. I know I can do hard things. I can do this. I will be mindful of my needs, but I will push myself.

In January I will start steadily working on becoming. Become who i need to be, become who i truly am. I am so much more than people see. I am a good person, and the people that choose to only see my hard times, will be eliminated from my life. I will surround myself with the positive. However, do not mistake that for forgetting. I will never Forget. My love will go on until forever, i will always feel the ache, I will never "get over it" or be "better". I am a bereaved mother that has decided not to just survive, but to become.

To my sweet Erik

Erik, Lately i have been thinking so much about you. I have been thinking of your birth, the trauma, and the events that happened after your birth.
The night we found out you died is still so vivid in my mind. I remember Mary coming over for my first homebirth prenatal. After a couple hours, it was time to check and listen to you. I was actually thinking you might be twins, because when i would listen to your heart, i would get major variations in your heart rate. From 130's to 180's. I had just listened to you earlier that day, so i was feeling pretty good. However, when we tried to listen to you, there was a very loud silence in my womb. We tried for almost an hour to find your heartbeat, but i knew you were gone. After she left, i went to my room, fell to my knees, and began begging God to put life back into your body. I couldnt believe you were taken from me. It had only been 5 months since we laid Brock to rest, and now i was reliving my nightmare.
The next day I went to the OB office. Everyone was very rude to me, and there was no sympathy. it was horrifying. It was confirmed by ultrasound that you had died, and i decided to be induced. Sometimes i wonder if that is why so much bad stuff happened.
Almost a week later, i went to the hospital to be induced. The nurses were nice, letting me do my own thing. But things went from OK to really bad, pretty quickly. First there was the doctor, that was trying to pull your tiny body from me, and he nearly decapitated you. After you were born, the nurses were telling me i didnt want to see you, but what did they know? you were my son, and of course i wanted to see you. Then i started bleeding. Your placenta was stuck and coming out in tiny pieces, and i was nearly bleeding to death. I was rushed into surgery.
I remember being disappointed when i woke up. I wanted to die. I was hoping to go to Heaven and be with you, your brother, and your sisters. but that didnt happen. I was alive. Well. Maybe not alive, but i was breathing. My heart was broken, and i thought I would never live thru the grief. How much can one mother take?
I really struggled with life after your birth. I never felt like i said a proper good bye to you, and i think that is part of the reason i had such a hard time. Then, there was the lovely "bat girls" a group of moms, on the internet, that dedicated an entire website to hating me. They said i was a liar, that i was a scammer. That you never were. They told me how stupid i was, trashed my business, when i was at my lowest, they just kept on kicking me. I could not believe how these other "moms" were acting. How could they do this. I was an active part of their community, and then they all turned on me. In my late 20's, I was a victim of internet bullying. Unbelivable.
Because of them, i decided to close my business. I guess I can thank them for that. I went from business owner/mom to just mom. I got off the online forums for the most part. and tried to refocus. However, i was still very sad, and barely breathing most days.
I feel like i never fully felt the loss of you. I feel like i was so sad, and concentrating on the loss of myself, that the loss of you was not fully felt. I feel guilty that i didnt allow myself to feel everything i needed to feel. I put my grief for Brock, and put it in front of you, and for that I am sorry. I guess i didnt know how to grieve for 2 kids at once.
Every day, i think about how i can save money, to get a new headstone with your name on it. I want ALL of my kids recognized on the stone. I want to go and touch and see all of your names. I need to look at it all, carved in stone, because then, i might have some closure.
Erik, i am trying now. I am trying to give you a proper goodbye. I have been thinking about you so much, and i know this is something i need to do. It will take time. That is for sure. possibly a lifetime, well, most likely a lifetime.
I wish i had your pictures, and i wish i was able to spend more time with you. No matter what people said, you were beautiful to me.
I love you, and I miss you. I will love and miss you for always!

My Rainbow.

While having a hard day, last week, the clouds in the sky matched my mood. I was thinking about Erik's birthday, that was coming up, and trying to think about what to do for that. A song came on the radio, that made me feel sad, and just then, i turned the corner and saw a double rainbow in the sky! It was amazing.
Instantly the band Perry song came into my head. If I Die Young.
"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she ...stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time"

This picture was taken from my car, while driving on the freeway. It isnt a perfect picture, but it is a double rainbow. Thank you for the rainbow. I know, without the rain, there would be no rainbows.

Time

Time keeps on moving on. Sometimes i feel stuck, and others i feel I am making progress in my grief. Sometimes i feel like I am living in a dream world, or a movie. Others, I allow the pain to fully hit me, and I know it is real. My babies are dead.
Yesterday was a big day for me. Erik's 4th birthday. It was also the day that marked 4 months since Noah died. Because i never had a proper memorial for Erik, I decided to make his birthday special. I invited a few friends, and we planned a time for pizza and cake. It was a cloudy day, and I was worried it would rain on us, but right before the "party" the skies cleared and it was beautiful outside. I set the party to start at 530. The kids were eager to blow bubbles and play near the fountain. the adults set up chairs and blankets, and when the last guests arrived, we started to eat. I had bought a bunch of balloons for anyone to write on. I didnt read what anyone else wrote, but I wrote a goodbye to my son. I dont think i had ever really said goodbye to him. I told him how much i loved him. I told him how much i missed him, and how i wished things were different. How i wished he was sent to me, and i was able to keep him. I told him, I cannot wait, until we meet again. I decided to let the balloons to all go off together, all clipped and held tightly. My thoughts were, they would be able to get closer to heaven, and our messages would be easier received by our kids. Silly, i know.
Before we ate cake, i looks at the most beautiful sunset. It was like it was painted in the skies, just for me. I silently said a prayer of thanks for all the beauty in this world. I said a prayer of thanks for my friends, who came to show their love for me. It is amazing when i think that I would not have ever met any of these wonderful people, had it not been for the deaths of our children. I so wish i could have met them all under different circumstances.
After the cake was cut, and we started to eat, we were asked to move our cars outside the gates of the cemetery to they could lock up. We were given permission to hang out as long as we wanted, which was nice. It was so great how they respected us and our need to gather. Shortly after the cars were moved, the sprinklers came on. Everything got wet! It was crazy. Brought back the memory of gathering at anther cemetery just 2 months ago, for another angels birthday, and having the SAME THING happen.
I think there are some angels that have a sense of humor.
I really had a good time at the cemetery. I know, to many, that sounds odd, but i feel so comfortable there. I dont go often, but when i do, i feel peace. I am glad I was able to take some time to say goodbye to my second son. I miss Erik so much. His birth still has my quite traumatized, but I hope to heal from that soon. I will never wish that he never was. I love that he is my son, and my only regret comes from him not being with us longer. 18 short weeks. 18 weeks was plenty long for me to fall in love with my son. for me to bond with my son. I felt him move, I heard his heartbeat on a daily basis. I was happy for the months of throwing up, because that meant i was being blessed. He was my sunshine. My unexpected hope, after Brock died. I just wasnt lucky enough to get to raise him. Someday. SOmeday, my angels, I will raise you. I will hold you, and for the first time, look into your eyes. I will hear your voice. I will know your favorite color. Until then, time keeps marching on. I will continue to hold you in my heart, my mind, my thoughts. I will not forget. Until then, Goodbye my babies. Mommy will always miss you.

So many emotions, and scattered thoughts

It has been so long since i have taken the time to write. I have so much emotion going in my body, yet, i seem to be at a loss for words. The last couple weeks i have felt so sad. I cant really explain the way i feel. Maybe it is the time of year, maybe it is leaving the house that ALL of my children were born in. The only house my kids knew. Maybe it is the stress of making decisions that will affect the rest of my life. I just feel sad.
Here we are in Fall. I used to love this time of year, but now it is a not so happy time. September is my Nana's death anniversary, October is Erik's birthday, and November is Nana's. Then we jump right into the happy holidays. It is so hard to have "happy holidays" when you are sad and missing so many of your kids. I do try. I get up each day, slap on my fake smile, while i take a deep breath and leave my room. I engage all of my living children, cook, clean, shop for the "big day" and yet, i am sad. This time of year no longer is as fun as it once was.
I realized a couple weeks ago that Erik's 4th birthday will fall on the same day as Noah's 4 month day. I am so worried about how i will feel that day. I am wondering, and possibly hoping, it will be like a band aid. Instead of a LONG drawn out week or 2, i will just get the day over with. I guess I can hope that it will pass and i will be OK. I cant believe i am coming up on 4 years without Erik, and it has been 4 months since Noah died. When did this become my life?
I am really struggling with pregnant women. Especially those due around the same time I was due with Noah. It is not that i am not happy for these woman, it is just so hard for me. I am jealous, angry, and hurting. I guess it is all a part of grief. I dont know, but i know that listening to, and reading complaints, and how miserable they all are, make me want to scream!!!
So, My sister in law is due the same week i was due. I have been dreading going to Idaho next month, because i was going to have to spend a week staring at her round belly, knowing i was due the same time. I would be just as round, and have just as many complaints. I found out last night that she will be having the baby the week we are there. I cannot stop thinking about it. I wont be able to look at him/her, hold him/her, and talk about him/her. No one will understand why it brings tears to my eyes, and i have a hard time breathing. My husband will be in wonderland with all his family around, and i will be alone. Broken hearted. I have spent so much energy the last 12 hours trying to figure out a way to skip the trip. I dont want to hurt anyones feeling, but what about my own??

I guess i am feeling so lost and confused. I so badly want another baby, but hubby is worried the baby will die, and he will lose even more of me, that he doesnt want to try again. The thought that I will never have another baby in my life is more heartbreaking than many can imagine. All I want is another baby. I feel there is someone else for our family, but maybe i feel that way because 6 of my kids are not here with me. I cant really explain the way i feel i guess. I am just so lost. I feel alone in this house, no desire to do anything. Watching my kids grow up. Knowing there are no more kids for me, at least not in this life.

I am certain I will survive, just like in all the holidays past. I will keep my chin up, keep slapping on my happy face, and keep breathing.

Weekend of Discovery

I just spent 3 days in a safety net. A place where I was welcome to speak of my children that have died. A place where I was encouraged to speak of my children that have died. Three days of bonding with bereaved parents. Three days of getting to know the spirits of these children, that were taken from us too soon.
While there I learned a lot. I feel that the conference will be hugely beneficial to my journey. That I will one day know how to balance between my living children and my angels. I learned many ways to express my grief thru art. Writing, music, sculpting, painting... the list goes on.
I feel empowered. I feel like i CAN do this. I know i am not alone. I will work hard to change the way the world looks are grief. How the world looks at a mother who has experienced the worst pain possible. I will make sure my children make a difference in this world.
I visited with my friends and even made some new friends. I KNOW i am not alone. Sadly, i also learned how small this world is. I "met" someone I used to know, back from high school. How sad that he also experienced the death of his child.
I made some important decisions about my life while i was there. I made decisions about who my friends are, and who are not the friends i thought they were. I made the choice to start working on coming off of my medication. I never wanted to get medicated, but i really feel that I needed it. I am going to hopefully start private counseling, and maybe I will be off my meds and doing "ok" by the end of january. I also learned that i need to learn to forgive those that have hurt me. This is the hard part. Being hurt, when you are at your lowest, is a hard thing to forgive. But I know I can and will forgive. Forgetting will be the hardest part of that equation. Forgetting will come later. Maybe MUCH later.
I feel renewed. I will be ever indebted to a little girl, who has changed the lives of so many, thru her mother. Cheyenne. What an amazing child, who never took a breath. But she takes my breath away. Her mothers love is undying. Her mother has made it possible for so many to grieve their children in the open. Her mother is an amazing person, and though, we have had few conversations, i can say that I love her. She likely will never know how much she and Cheyenne have meant to be, over the past several years.
I am energized to work on my grief. To educate others. To A.T.T.E.N.D., to be with, and not do for. I am excited to start working on the new me. the new me will be amazing, if i am able to become half of who i would like to be.
I have many plans to touch the lives of others. I am in a place so different from where i was before the weekend. The MISS Foundation has changed my life.
I thank every single person that attended the conference. I was touched by the story of every child, mother, father, grandmother, and grandfather.
I now know, I CAN do hard things.