Time

Time keeps on moving on. Sometimes i feel stuck, and others i feel I am making progress in my grief. Sometimes i feel like I am living in a dream world, or a movie. Others, I allow the pain to fully hit me, and I know it is real. My babies are dead.
Yesterday was a big day for me. Erik's 4th birthday. It was also the day that marked 4 months since Noah died. Because i never had a proper memorial for Erik, I decided to make his birthday special. I invited a few friends, and we planned a time for pizza and cake. It was a cloudy day, and I was worried it would rain on us, but right before the "party" the skies cleared and it was beautiful outside. I set the party to start at 530. The kids were eager to blow bubbles and play near the fountain. the adults set up chairs and blankets, and when the last guests arrived, we started to eat. I had bought a bunch of balloons for anyone to write on. I didnt read what anyone else wrote, but I wrote a goodbye to my son. I dont think i had ever really said goodbye to him. I told him how much i loved him. I told him how much i missed him, and how i wished things were different. How i wished he was sent to me, and i was able to keep him. I told him, I cannot wait, until we meet again. I decided to let the balloons to all go off together, all clipped and held tightly. My thoughts were, they would be able to get closer to heaven, and our messages would be easier received by our kids. Silly, i know.
Before we ate cake, i looks at the most beautiful sunset. It was like it was painted in the skies, just for me. I silently said a prayer of thanks for all the beauty in this world. I said a prayer of thanks for my friends, who came to show their love for me. It is amazing when i think that I would not have ever met any of these wonderful people, had it not been for the deaths of our children. I so wish i could have met them all under different circumstances.
After the cake was cut, and we started to eat, we were asked to move our cars outside the gates of the cemetery to they could lock up. We were given permission to hang out as long as we wanted, which was nice. It was so great how they respected us and our need to gather. Shortly after the cars were moved, the sprinklers came on. Everything got wet! It was crazy. Brought back the memory of gathering at anther cemetery just 2 months ago, for another angels birthday, and having the SAME THING happen.
I think there are some angels that have a sense of humor.
I really had a good time at the cemetery. I know, to many, that sounds odd, but i feel so comfortable there. I dont go often, but when i do, i feel peace. I am glad I was able to take some time to say goodbye to my second son. I miss Erik so much. His birth still has my quite traumatized, but I hope to heal from that soon. I will never wish that he never was. I love that he is my son, and my only regret comes from him not being with us longer. 18 short weeks. 18 weeks was plenty long for me to fall in love with my son. for me to bond with my son. I felt him move, I heard his heartbeat on a daily basis. I was happy for the months of throwing up, because that meant i was being blessed. He was my sunshine. My unexpected hope, after Brock died. I just wasnt lucky enough to get to raise him. Someday. SOmeday, my angels, I will raise you. I will hold you, and for the first time, look into your eyes. I will hear your voice. I will know your favorite color. Until then, time keeps marching on. I will continue to hold you in my heart, my mind, my thoughts. I will not forget. Until then, Goodbye my babies. Mommy will always miss you.

So many emotions, and scattered thoughts

It has been so long since i have taken the time to write. I have so much emotion going in my body, yet, i seem to be at a loss for words. The last couple weeks i have felt so sad. I cant really explain the way i feel. Maybe it is the time of year, maybe it is leaving the house that ALL of my children were born in. The only house my kids knew. Maybe it is the stress of making decisions that will affect the rest of my life. I just feel sad.
Here we are in Fall. I used to love this time of year, but now it is a not so happy time. September is my Nana's death anniversary, October is Erik's birthday, and November is Nana's. Then we jump right into the happy holidays. It is so hard to have "happy holidays" when you are sad and missing so many of your kids. I do try. I get up each day, slap on my fake smile, while i take a deep breath and leave my room. I engage all of my living children, cook, clean, shop for the "big day" and yet, i am sad. This time of year no longer is as fun as it once was.
I realized a couple weeks ago that Erik's 4th birthday will fall on the same day as Noah's 4 month day. I am so worried about how i will feel that day. I am wondering, and possibly hoping, it will be like a band aid. Instead of a LONG drawn out week or 2, i will just get the day over with. I guess I can hope that it will pass and i will be OK. I cant believe i am coming up on 4 years without Erik, and it has been 4 months since Noah died. When did this become my life?
I am really struggling with pregnant women. Especially those due around the same time I was due with Noah. It is not that i am not happy for these woman, it is just so hard for me. I am jealous, angry, and hurting. I guess it is all a part of grief. I dont know, but i know that listening to, and reading complaints, and how miserable they all are, make me want to scream!!!
So, My sister in law is due the same week i was due. I have been dreading going to Idaho next month, because i was going to have to spend a week staring at her round belly, knowing i was due the same time. I would be just as round, and have just as many complaints. I found out last night that she will be having the baby the week we are there. I cannot stop thinking about it. I wont be able to look at him/her, hold him/her, and talk about him/her. No one will understand why it brings tears to my eyes, and i have a hard time breathing. My husband will be in wonderland with all his family around, and i will be alone. Broken hearted. I have spent so much energy the last 12 hours trying to figure out a way to skip the trip. I dont want to hurt anyones feeling, but what about my own??

I guess i am feeling so lost and confused. I so badly want another baby, but hubby is worried the baby will die, and he will lose even more of me, that he doesnt want to try again. The thought that I will never have another baby in my life is more heartbreaking than many can imagine. All I want is another baby. I feel there is someone else for our family, but maybe i feel that way because 6 of my kids are not here with me. I cant really explain the way i feel i guess. I am just so lost. I feel alone in this house, no desire to do anything. Watching my kids grow up. Knowing there are no more kids for me, at least not in this life.

I am certain I will survive, just like in all the holidays past. I will keep my chin up, keep slapping on my happy face, and keep breathing.

Weekend of Discovery

I just spent 3 days in a safety net. A place where I was welcome to speak of my children that have died. A place where I was encouraged to speak of my children that have died. Three days of bonding with bereaved parents. Three days of getting to know the spirits of these children, that were taken from us too soon.
While there I learned a lot. I feel that the conference will be hugely beneficial to my journey. That I will one day know how to balance between my living children and my angels. I learned many ways to express my grief thru art. Writing, music, sculpting, painting... the list goes on.
I feel empowered. I feel like i CAN do this. I know i am not alone. I will work hard to change the way the world looks are grief. How the world looks at a mother who has experienced the worst pain possible. I will make sure my children make a difference in this world.
I visited with my friends and even made some new friends. I KNOW i am not alone. Sadly, i also learned how small this world is. I "met" someone I used to know, back from high school. How sad that he also experienced the death of his child.
I made some important decisions about my life while i was there. I made decisions about who my friends are, and who are not the friends i thought they were. I made the choice to start working on coming off of my medication. I never wanted to get medicated, but i really feel that I needed it. I am going to hopefully start private counseling, and maybe I will be off my meds and doing "ok" by the end of january. I also learned that i need to learn to forgive those that have hurt me. This is the hard part. Being hurt, when you are at your lowest, is a hard thing to forgive. But I know I can and will forgive. Forgetting will be the hardest part of that equation. Forgetting will come later. Maybe MUCH later.
I feel renewed. I will be ever indebted to a little girl, who has changed the lives of so many, thru her mother. Cheyenne. What an amazing child, who never took a breath. But she takes my breath away. Her mothers love is undying. Her mother has made it possible for so many to grieve their children in the open. Her mother is an amazing person, and though, we have had few conversations, i can say that I love her. She likely will never know how much she and Cheyenne have meant to be, over the past several years.
I am energized to work on my grief. To educate others. To A.T.T.E.N.D., to be with, and not do for. I am excited to start working on the new me. the new me will be amazing, if i am able to become half of who i would like to be.
I have many plans to touch the lives of others. I am in a place so different from where i was before the weekend. The MISS Foundation has changed my life.
I thank every single person that attended the conference. I was touched by the story of every child, mother, father, grandmother, and grandfather.
I now know, I CAN do hard things.

11 years

11 years ago tonight, I was in active labor with my twin girls, Rachel and Rebecca. I knew that one of them had passed, and with the forced delivery, the other had no chance of survival. I was running a fever, on IV antibiotics, and fluids, and I was in a lot of pain. I thought the pain would come from pushing, so I kept refusing good pain meds. Afterall, my babies were not that big. I was on demerol, and i remember sleeping while in labor, but waking up in the peak of contractions. I felt sad, and scared and out of control. No one told me what to expect. All i knew is i was going to have my baby girls, and they were going to be dead. I remember my heart was broken. I remember my mom trying to help me, but she didnt have the words to take away my pain. No one did. I remember the room was dark, when i started to feel pressure. I remember panicking and my mom telling me to gain control, and then i told her i didnt have any control over this. Afterall, if i had control, i would be sitting in the house we just bought a couple weeks prior, very pregnant and reading my twin books. Instead, my babies were victims of Twin to Twin Tranfusion Syndrome.
When they were born, shortly after midnight, on September 1, i was so scared. I didnt want to look at them, but after Phil saw them, he urged me to look. I am glad he did. they were beautiful. perfect, tiny bodies. I didnt hold them. I didnt know how to react.
when i went home the next day, i was so sad. I just sat on my couch and cried. my heart was broken, my arms were empty, and i was filled with regret for not holding them. For not giving them names. They didnt have names for a week after they were born. I didnt know i wanted to name them. there was no service for them. No grave for me to visit. no proof my babies existed.
over the next few years, i dealt with a lot of regret. I hated that i never had a service for them. I still have not had a service for them, and i am still bothered by it. I also regret that i didnt feel that i should pay for a funeral for them. a plot, and grave marker. There was nothing with their names on it, for the world to see, until after Brock died. I feel like i let them down.
Now, it has been11 years. I sit here tonight, thinking about my girls. Wondering what it would be like to have 11 year old twin girls. What would they like to do? What type of music would they like? would they be super close or decide they could not stand each other? Would they like boys? Fight over boys? or think boys have cooties?
I will never know the answers to these questions. Things that parents complain about, ot take for granted. Simple things like favorite colors, or favorite sports. I will never know. I am jsut left with wonder.
It has been 11 years, and not a day goes by that i dont think about them. I miss them. I love them. They are my first born children. They are with 4 of their siblings in Heaven, and watching over 4 of their siblings. The oldest of 10 children.
I dont know details about my girls, but i do know that Rachel and Rebecca have made an amazing difference in my life. I know that my girls would be amazing people. I know that I will see them again someday. And i cannot wait for that reunion. a lifetime seems to long, many days, to be reunited, but i know it is not as long as it seems.

So Happy 11th Birthday to Rachel and Rebecca Andersen. My sweet baby girls. I hope to see you in my dreams tonight.

It has been a while since i posted. Life has been interesting. I just spent almost a week in the hospital, after being in a very minor car accident. Maybe it wasnt that Minor, but at the time it seemed so.
While in the hospital, I had a lot of time to think. I was thinking about relationships, and how certain relationships effect me, and my family. I think I am in the right, to decide to let go of certain relationships, proceed with caution for others, and work hard on others. Yes, i still feel hurt, that my dad has chosen to write me off, as a drama queen or something, but i shouldnt be surprised. He is who he is, and i will not be abused by him anymore. I will work on surrounding myself with people who love me.
Also, while i was in the hospital, i was faced with constant reminders that my baby is gone. Every test i had, i was asked if I was pregnant. I would have been 26 weeks. It was painful to say no. I was also faced with constant announcements of every birth that happened during my 6 days there. I will admit, it was painful. And on Wednesday night, when they welcomed baby Noah to the world, i had no choice but to cry.
It is so hard to think about not having another baby, though i honestly think it will be the way it is. It has been almost 2 months since my D and C, and I am still hurting. I loved my son, and i wanted him to join my family so badly. Now i am left with life choices. Maybe we can adopt, someday. Maybe not. I do have my hands full with my kids, but i wouldnt trade it for the world. All of my children, living or dead, are my life. I am a great mother. Being a mom is the best job in the world, and the most important. I just wish i was able to mother all of my kids, everyday, and i didnt have the holes in my heart, that were left when my babies died.

Triplet Butterfly Wings: Six little angels

Triplet Butterfly Wings: Six little angels: "Rachel and Rebecca Twins Angels, Together Forever September 1, 1999 Rachel Rebecca Brock Edward First Little Man born at 21 weeks May 2..."

It has been a while, since i blogged, so i thought i would take the time this morning to write some random thoughts.
The last few weeks have been interesting to say the least. I have been thrown many little trials and i have been faced with decisions about who is welcome in my life, and who is not.
Two weeks ago, my husband was in the hospital. He had to have emergency surgery, and it was super stressful for me. I didnt realize how horrible it was for me to be at a hospital. I know it wasnt even me in the hospital, but the last time i was in one, i was having surgery, because Noah died. I was also terrified something would happen to my husband. Without him, I dont know how i would survive. We have been through so much together, and he is my rock. He is the person i can ALWAYS count on.
While he was in the hospital, someone who was supposed to be there for me, no matter what, decided to make contact with me. I had not heard from him, since the day i told him my baby died. And even then he didnt offer me any support. So the day that my husband is having surgery, this person decides to tell me how it is. I get emails on my phone, so i got an email from facebook, stating someone made a comment. After seeing the name, i thought maybe he was checking to see how my husband was doing. Nope. He was telling me that I was attention seeking, and that i pretty much brought all of my grief upon myself. He told me that God has told me in "His own way" that i should not have children. ( not even any more children) He said that numerous doctors have told me not to have children, and that was sooo not true. No doctor has ever told me not to have children. He told me i just want people to feel sorry for me. He also said that i was bashing my friends and family on the internet, for not knowing what to say.
I know i had posted my feelings on support during this time. I have stated that i have some awesome friends, that are just there for me. I can talk to them, and they dont have to say anything. They understand I am hurting. Then, yes, there are many people who have made it pretty clear, they have nothing to say on the matter. I know i have written about my own personal experiences about grief. When my twins died, almost 11 years ago, i had an unbelievable amount of support. ( however this person was not great then either), then with each death i have experienced, the support has been less and less.
I am sorry if this offends people. However, my feelings are not invalid. Grief is a very lonely place. It does help when people offer you help, or an ear, or shoulder to cry on. I am sorry if the fact i have lost children, makes people think i should not have any children. Before i was pregnant with Diesel, i decided to be done trying. he was a surprise to us. If i would have given up, i would not have him. He is a miracle child. He makes me heart smile, every single day. If I would have given up, after i had my twins, I would not have any living children. I am an amazing mother, raising even more amazing people. I guess, if this person would take 5 minutes to get to know my children, he might know that. I do not regret a single one of my children, living or dead. Each of my 10 children are very important to me. Each of them have formed me into who i am today. and who i will be tomorrow. I know that for some reason, God has trusted me, to birth these perfect little people, that would pass any trial on this Earth, and they just need to get a physical body so they can have eternal life. And yes, even knowing all of this is true, it still hurts that my children have died. My heart has been rebroken, when it was starting to heal, by the words of the person, who "had the courage to say what others wont". He, however, did not have the courage to call me and tell me how he feels. He had the "courage" to post it, on my facebook wall. And, it hurt.
A while ago, i was already starting to try to figure out where this person fit into my life. And i think he made it clear to me, in his latest form on contact, that he doesnt care if he is in my life or not. I am hurt in a way that i never thought possible. I am grieving the loss of a relationship, that at one point was pretty good. However, i only have time in my life for people that truly love me, and support me. I am worthy to recieve the love of others.

So, we also recently learned that my daughter has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Her obsessions have been getting more evident, with all the stress lately. And she is working them out with her compulsions. We were told when she was about 4 years old, that this was most likely the case, but to have it written down, in her medical chart, by a trained professional, is a bit scary. We will be going to a psychiatrist, and will continue care with our psychologist, to get her the help she needs. We are working with her, through behavior therapy, to learn to deal with this. She is very scared, and has a lot of anxiety, but she is a rock star. I know, that soon enough, she will be in control of the OCD, and not the other way around.

We will also be losing our home soon. We are searching for a new place to live, and not having a lot of luck. I feel like i need to meet new people, and to go where no one knows who I am, or my story. I am very sad that events in our life, that were beyond our control, have led us to bankruptcy and foreclosure. I am sad to lose the home that we had a lot of dreams for. I am sad to uproot my kids. However, who knows what God has in store for us. Something good will likely come out of this.

So i know this post is not just about the grief of losing Noah. I guess it is a post about the other things i am grieving, while i am grieving the fact that i have a lifetime to wait, to see him. When it rains, it pours. I am thankful for the love of those that care. I am grateful for all of my children. I know i will survive all of this i am going through, because, I am a survivor.