The Follow Up

this morning was my follow up appt with my doc. I felt OK this morning, but as i got closer to his office, my anxiety started creeping up on me. By the time I got there, my was in full panic mode. I really didnt want to walk into my OB office.
Well, after many many trips to this OB, i had never been there, when a baby was in the waiting room. Today i walked in, and there were 2. Great. I didnt want to look at them. I went and signed in, and then hid behind my hubby. I wanted to cry. Then 3 very pregnant bellies, came walking out, from the back. Again, another first. I must always be there when he is doing non OB stuff. but not today. After waiting about 15 minutes, the nurse, came out to tell me that he was just called to the hospital, for an emergency surgery. I guess some other doc messed something up, and he had to go fix it. I told he i didn't want to reschedule, but whatever had to happen. She said she would go assess the situation. She knew i wanted to see him, and didnt want to see his PA that i have never met. After a few minutes, he came to the door and called us back. He wanted a urine sample, but i didnt have to go. I didnt think i would need to give one. I guess he wanted another pregnancy test, to see if everything was back to normal.
We went to the room, the same room where we couldnt find a heart beat, 3 weeks ago tomorrow. he asked how i was doing, and i told him, physically i was OK> i described some symptoms i was having and he said there really is no normal but it sounded OK. Then i told him, emotionally, i am a mess. I started to cry, and he handed me tissues. I went on to tell him i cant figure this out, and i don't know why my babies keep dying. I told him i cant think, eat, or sleep. My daughter was burned while camping this weekend and i didn't even know how to help her, and i had to call my mom. It is a 3rd degree burn, and i didn't even know to think ice then hospital. I told him that i am really having bad panic attacks, and i have really dark thoughts. and i feel like i messed with my head, by having a d and c, even though i didn't want it.

He was very kind. He kind of told me, my chances of another baby were not good. Maybe 25-30% chance of a good outcome, and he seems to be recommending i get sterilized, but he told me to take my time, and wait to make sure i am ready.
He told me i have no reason to think i did anything wrong. That i should be proud of how i carried myself, thru the good times, and the bad, with each pregnancy, and never forgetting who i am, or what i believe. He said that while many people might frown upon my choices, to do things naturally, he said i should be able to look back and know i did what was right for me. He told me i should work on trying to quiet the arguing in my head ( how did he know that i was fighting with myself?) he told me that over time, one voice will quiet, and i will know what is right for me and my family, if it is to be "done" or if we decide to try again. he was very supportive.
He offered to do some more testing on me as well. he said there is something "wrong" with me, but they haven't figured it out yet. and possibly never will. He said there is so much that can go wrong with pregnancy, and they have only just started figuring stuff out.
He went on to tell me the testing on the baby is not complete, but the nurse called to check, and they will have the results bu the end of today, so he will likely call me tomorrow. It has been 2 and a half weeks, and i am hoping this isn't a sign that they were not able to complete testing. I was hoping maybe for an answer, but most of all, to know, without a doubt, the gender of my baby. I want to know if we have a Mira or a Noah.
I asked for drugs and while he was reluctant, and reminded me, that grief needs to be worked on, and there was no magic pill, ( would be nice if there was huh?) he prescribed me Zoloft. He said he doesn't know that much about those types of drugs, and he doesn't know if it will work or not. I would be happy to be knocked out for 6 months, until my due date, and all the freaking December babies are born. We will see. I have battled depression before, and have had PPD with 2 of my children. I feel myself getting to a bad place, and while i don't believe in drugs, i don't know how else i can go on. He gave me 4 months worth.

He really wanted a pregnancy test, to see if my hormones are back to normal, and i couldn't pee, so i will head to the dollar store tonight, so i can tell him tomorrow. I really don't want to look at a negative test, but i feel like i should make sure that they got everything out.

He told me, anytime i want to talk about this, he is open for me to make an appt and go in and talk. He wasn't rushing me at all, but he HAD to get to an emergency at the hospital, and he was very apologetic. I think he was very sincere.

he left a script at the desk, told me to call if i need anything, and told me he will be in touch soon.

After the appt, my hubby and i sat in our car for about 30 min talking about all we talked about in there. It was hard. It feels raw again. He told me he doesn't want to get "fixed" and he doesn't want me to either, right now. he feels we will regret it. I agree. He told me that he does want more kids, but he doesn't want to go thru this again. He doesn't want ME to go thru this again. I feel lost, and he knows it.

I don't know what to do or think today, but i am trying to keep it together. The appt took a lot out of me.

Held by Natalie Grant

Song Lyrics for the song i just posted.

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
[Bridge]
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
We'd be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This is what it means to be held.....

This Is How It Feels

getting away

after experiencing an emotional blow, this weekend, with the news of a baby due, 3 days after i was due, and learning i will have to face this person, this holiday season, and stare at her belly for 4 days, it has come to me that i need to get away, NOW. I am struggling just to breathe. I have been in constant panic, since sunday. I need to relax before i go to the doctor on monday. I need to spend time away from TV and Computers, and people who just dont get it. I need to run, far away. However, i also know that i cant run forever. though it would be nice.

I am trying to plan a camping trip for my family. It is stressful how much work goes into a camping trip, but I know it will be a nice and peaceful time while i am away.

I am so filled with emotions these days. Today someone from church stopped by, and it was so nice to have a surprise visitor. She is so compassionate, and i am so glad that she has the calling she has. I dont think she will know, what her visit meant to me. It was nice to visit with a sincere soul, who was not trying to rush me over this. I cried a little while she was here, and a lot after she was gone. Her visit really just touched me. I guess, it was the first time, in about 2 weeks, i didnt feel alone.
Now i am left to decide if i go to church tonight or not. I really want to take the enrichment classes that are offered tonight, but i dont want to talk to anyone. My plan, if i do go, is to walk in 15 min late, and cut out 15 min early. That way i can learn, but i dont have to talk. I dont want to talk, and i dont want my presence at church to be seen as i am "over it".

I really need to get away. I hope this happens for me.

For El ADONAI's Children: YAHWEY and YESHUA Gives Us Unconditional Love ...

sad

I am feeling sad and panicked tonight. It was such a good day, and then all of a sudden it changed. I heard something,that should be happy news for me to hear. and instead, it set me into a panic. Heart racing, short of breath, sick to my stomach. I found out my sister in law is pregnant. I am sooo happy for her. I mean, it is always great to learn your family is going to get larger. However, i also learned, she is due the same week I was. How am i going to be able to deal with this. I am terrified to see her, this thanksgiving. I was not supposed to be able to travel to Idaho this holiday season, and now, because my baby died, i can. She is moving back to Idaho, so she will be able to be there as well. She will be just 4 weeks away from delivery and i will be anticipating my would be due date.
I know jealousy is not a good Christian feeling. But that is how i feel. I do not want her baby to die, i dont want another baby in the world to die, but i am jealous, because my baby died. I am jealous, that i dont get to keep my baby. I am jealous that she will get to see her baby grow up, and i will wonder what could have been, for the rest of my life.
This is so hard, and so not fair. It seems everyone is pregnant, and i should be. I want to feel good again. I want to have hope. I want to feel joy. At this moment, all these feeling are eluding me.
It has only been about 2 weeks, and i know that is nothing, on the grief time line, i just wonder, when, or if, i will ever feel better.

I'll hold you in heaven

I'll Hold You in Heaven

From the very beginning I loved you,
As I made plans to hold you and rock you:
You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,
But something went wrong and soon you were gone;
My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain,
I'd never known such heartache and pain.

I wonder who you look like, me or your dad,
Do you have my smile and his eyes?
Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?
We had dreams for you that reached to the skies.
It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,
Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven.

I'll hold you in heaven someday,
When my trials on earth pass away;
The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you,
I know you're waiting for me;
I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",
But I'll hold you in heaven someday.

(c) 1998 Jo Ann Taylor All Rights Reserved