I am trying so hard to start healing from all the trauma i have gone through. I am trying to heal in a way i have never tried before. I am writing. I am writing the stories of each of my children. I want to write about my full journey of motherhood. Including the hope, and the despair. It has been such a roller coaster for us, and I am struggling so much with the ride. I am trying to understand, as much as it is possible, what has happened. I feel like a freak. A freak that has all these dead babies. A freak that still has hope, that maybe one day, i will hold a tiny living baby again. Even though, my mind knows, it is highly unlikely. I am struggling with the decisions i have to make. I am glad i dont have to make any right now. I am looking forward to going to the doctor in a week. I hope he can provide me with answers. I know he will highly suggest that we never try again, and that we close up shop, and i know that hearing those words will hurt. It is so hard to give up the dream. I always wanted a large family. I know, many people think that 4 kids is a large family, but i dont think so. Especially when i have 6 holes in my heart. I know the holes will never be filled, even if i had 100 kids. I am not trying to fill the holes. The holes are part of who i am, and who i will be. I just wished so much, that my child bearing years could have ended in happiness, and not in grief. I guess that is the biggest struggle. The reality, that i have more than likely had my last baby. And i didnt get to birth my last baby. and my last baby was dead.
I hope that i can help others, in some way. I hope that i can have the strength to go on, even when i want to die. I hope that i can turn my babies deaths, into hope and strength for other. I hope that they will continue to matter, even in their death. I know they will always be a part of my family, and i know I will always miss them. It will be so wonderful if someday, their lives, will touch others, the way they have touched me, and that they too, will be recognized as more than just a miscarriage, or stillbirth, but as my children.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Piece of my Heart
How was it to be that I now am robbed of such joy?
Of watching you grow or finding out if you’re a girl or boy.
Never did I get to hear your cries or even see your tears,
Or kiss your little brow and hug away your fears.
I am just left here now with pain and few memories,
Of the days that were happy with you inside of me.
For you were loved and wanted oh so much,
What I would give just to have felt your touch.
The hours crawl by yet the time does not seem to slow,
I want to scream out to the world you are gone, why don’t they know?
How is the world still turning when I feel it should have stopped?
Why are people laughing and living when it feels like I can not?
Not enough tears can be shed to express the love we have for you,
No words can describe what we all wanted to be able to do.
I would have just held you and breathed in your sweet smell,
Shouted with joy and phoned all the people we wanted to tell.
But this time we called loved ones with the sad sad news,
That too little were you to live among us and we were meant to lose.
But nothing will ever erase those fourteen weeks we had together,
For a piece of my heart you now hold always and forever.
~Kerri-Anne Hinds
How was it to be that I now am robbed of such joy?
Of watching you grow or finding out if you’re a girl or boy.
Never did I get to hear your cries or even see your tears,
Or kiss your little brow and hug away your fears.
I am just left here now with pain and few memories,
Of the days that were happy with you inside of me.
For you were loved and wanted oh so much,
What I would give just to have felt your touch.
The hours crawl by yet the time does not seem to slow,
I want to scream out to the world you are gone, why don’t they know?
How is the world still turning when I feel it should have stopped?
Why are people laughing and living when it feels like I can not?
Not enough tears can be shed to express the love we have for you,
No words can describe what we all wanted to be able to do.
I would have just held you and breathed in your sweet smell,
Shouted with joy and phoned all the people we wanted to tell.
But this time we called loved ones with the sad sad news,
That too little were you to live among us and we were meant to lose.
But nothing will ever erase those fourteen weeks we had together,
For a piece of my heart you now hold always and forever.
~Kerri-Anne Hinds
Names
Last night, we decided on names for the baby. It feels more real, now that there is a boy and a girl name, and instead of saying the baby, i can say the names instead. I am really happy with the names, and the meaning of the names. They seem perfect. On July 12, we will go in, and meet with our doctor, and find out, for sure, if baby was a boy or girl.
I am hoping to find some more peace, with the appointment. I am hoping to have definite answers, as to why the baby died. I am hoping to get some help with my feelings of utter despair. I am walking around in a fog, and i am struggling to do everything i need to do. I feel pressured to put on a happy face. There is just so much going on in the world, my world, and I cant comprehend it all. It has only been about a week, though at times it seems like a year. And at times, it seems like just yesterday, i was feeling the baby move, within my womb.
I am hoping, when we finally know, and we can call baby by name, i might start to heal. For now, i am just sad, empty and confused.
I am hoping to find some more peace, with the appointment. I am hoping to have definite answers, as to why the baby died. I am hoping to get some help with my feelings of utter despair. I am walking around in a fog, and i am struggling to do everything i need to do. I feel pressured to put on a happy face. There is just so much going on in the world, my world, and I cant comprehend it all. It has only been about a week, though at times it seems like a year. And at times, it seems like just yesterday, i was feeling the baby move, within my womb.
I am hoping, when we finally know, and we can call baby by name, i might start to heal. For now, i am just sad, empty and confused.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Plans
Last night, i decided to heavily drug myself, in order to sleep. It worked. I went to bed around 11, and was still in bed at 9. I had some nightmares, and woke up soaking wet from sweat a few times, but at least i slept.
Today marks one week since my "procedure". seems surreal. Physically there is no sign of a pregnancy. I am done with my physical recovery. Emotionally there is a long way to go. I have a huge internal struggle, about what I need to do for my future. I know, That i want something good, to come from all these losses. Which is why i am recording, so many feelings. I know i want to look thru my journals, and my letters, i have written to my children. I know i want to find a way to help others. I feel compelled to compile, years of thoughts, tears, hopes, and fears, into a book, so i can share what i can gone thru with so many people. I am hoping this journey will be a positive one for me. I already know it will be emotional. I guess, i just feel, that for so many years, i have looked for information, and support for second trimster miscarriage, and stillbirth. There is so much information out there for early miscarriage, and a ton of information for late term stillbirth, but for those of us, that fall in between, there is not much out there. I have lost babies, both in the early first trimester, as well as mid, second trimester. Both are painful. Yet they are different. I hope, to help others, just like me. I have been a bereaved mother for many many years. Now i want to share my story, my journey with others. I know I am not alone, and I hope to help others know, they are not alone either.
Today marks one week since my "procedure". seems surreal. Physically there is no sign of a pregnancy. I am done with my physical recovery. Emotionally there is a long way to go. I have a huge internal struggle, about what I need to do for my future. I know, That i want something good, to come from all these losses. Which is why i am recording, so many feelings. I know i want to look thru my journals, and my letters, i have written to my children. I know i want to find a way to help others. I feel compelled to compile, years of thoughts, tears, hopes, and fears, into a book, so i can share what i can gone thru with so many people. I am hoping this journey will be a positive one for me. I already know it will be emotional. I guess, i just feel, that for so many years, i have looked for information, and support for second trimster miscarriage, and stillbirth. There is so much information out there for early miscarriage, and a ton of information for late term stillbirth, but for those of us, that fall in between, there is not much out there. I have lost babies, both in the early first trimester, as well as mid, second trimester. Both are painful. Yet they are different. I hope, to help others, just like me. I have been a bereaved mother for many many years. Now i want to share my story, my journey with others. I know I am not alone, and I hope to help others know, they are not alone either.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I am trying
Another night without sleep. How long can this really go on? I am getting to the point i am afraid to drive or do other things, because i feel so out of it. I am exhausted. I am trying to process what has happened. Trying to accept what it is, but it doesnt seem real. I feel guilty for some of my feelings i have. I feel guilty for not being a good mom to my kids right now. I might have to do something "special" with them today. I just dont know what.
I am trying. I am trying to be the mother to my kids. All 10 of them. I am trying to make sense of what has happened. I am trying to be present with my 4 kids here. I am trying to not be such a burden on others. I am trying to decide, what I need to do, medically, for me. Trying to get things together, for my husbands birthday, my moms birthday, which are just a couple days away. I wish so desperately i was "normal". That i never joined this "club" and that my membership would stop being renewed. Once a grieving parent, always a grieving parent. So why all this renewal?
I am trying. I am trying to be the mother to my kids. All 10 of them. I am trying to make sense of what has happened. I am trying to be present with my 4 kids here. I am trying to not be such a burden on others. I am trying to decide, what I need to do, medically, for me. Trying to get things together, for my husbands birthday, my moms birthday, which are just a couple days away. I wish so desperately i was "normal". That i never joined this "club" and that my membership would stop being renewed. Once a grieving parent, always a grieving parent. So why all this renewal?
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